back from work.
it was an overall fantastic morning.
i had a little reservation about what might transpire,
but everything turned out for the better, and yeah i had a great time.

it wasnt until i made my way home alone that i started freaking out.
freaking out about tomorrow's presentation which i am not ready for.
this time, i focused on getting it done and not so much the storyline and depth of understanding.
and i know that against the backdrop of classmates who improved by leaps and bounds,
i sorely fail in comparison and i just cant stand.

i dont really know what to do and expect tomorrow.
suddenly i am not ready and at a loss on what to do,
the buffer time and confidence is lacking and i can no longer spin tales out of air.
and convincing is no longer a forte of mine.

for one i'm glad its sooner than later,
at least the stab of reality hits me sooner.
then the sooner i get to really letting myself loose.
i'm worried, for the second time.
and worrying the first time got me into trouble.

for one, i need someone to believe in me and convince me.
that hasnt happened in a long time.
heck, that probably hasnt happened in a long time.
i dont want to go to sleep, though my body tells me so.
because waking up would highlight the fact that its a new day,
and looking over to the other side of the bed, i realise again that i'm alone.

looking at the things i saw, today and saturday.
funny as it is, mocked i attempted and laughed i tried.
these were probably attempts to deceive the fact that its killing me.
killing me that i could very well be one of them, killing me that i'm the one that isnt happy.

i want to stop trying so hard,
i want to start being the sloppy mess that i am,
and to be appreciated for it and smiled at.
i dont know, i just cant think straight now.
might it be presentation tomorrow or just that devout longing,
this lethal combination is killing me from the inside.

i should look at the notes before giving in to sleep.
its all to easy to escape into sleep when my frowns will ease.
but that will leave my mind blank tomorow.
i dont know, i dont know how strong to lift this nonsense anymore.

we'll see what happens tomorrow.
time might slow down, but it has to pass somehow.

tuesday: presentation.
wednesday: closing dempsey.
thursday: closing dempsey (black chunk fest)
friday: closing dempsey.
saturday: closing dempsey.

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