i want to play-doh waveforms in the hideaway,
want to get on with getting on with things.
i want to run in fields, paint the kitchen and love someone
and i can't do any of that here, can i?
- imogen heap

+++

i have to be honest,
amidst constant face-stalking on fb i found this picture of yellow and white balloons.
pretty aint it?
bright, pretty and reminds me of eggs haha.

home on a saturday night,
given that i had a steamboat to go to, and clubbing after,
circumstances have left me at home with sleep to catch up to.
i know its probably good for me, but something about me not being busy
makes me feel a little empty, physically empty.
somewhat different, almost to the point of uselessness.

maybe thats why i'm opting for this,
to make some kind of worth out of me.
but thinking again, its really quite a nice place.
and surrounding myself with items that keep calling out to me cant be very bad.
this is coming from my first visit haha.
well, we'll see how it goes next week,
for all i know it might not even work out.
just this nagging feeling that it might not.

as much as i want to be excited,
i just feel that i cant, not now.
but its a choice i have made, with its sacrifices.
with past experiences, i know that personal sacrifices are often not enough.
and mistakes have left me fully conscious thank you.
well, i guess we'll have to see how it goes.
no point going semi-paranoid when it has hardly started.
gah!

shaun said that i'm a masochist.
okay not in the sexual definition but in the other definition.
am i tiring myself out?
to me, not yet because i have seen people do worse,
what's more, on a regular basis.
i tell myself i have goals to look forward to,
and thats why i'm pushing myself now.
i havent seen the true calamity yet because all three areas have yet to converge,
so i definitely dont see the burn.

i was heading home in the cab after work last night,
and being the last one, i propped my hoodie up and closed my eyes.
obviously i promptly fell asleep and when i woke as the cab turned into bishan,
i feel so fatigued i barely had enough strength to change my position.
surprisingly, fifteen minutes later, i was fine after bathing.
maybe i am a masochist, because i crave times that i'm so busy running around everywhere.
the only time i have nothing to do is while travelling from one place to another.
but why not? life is too short to be spent nua-ing and watching the world go by sometimes.
even if there is a time for it, youth is quickly diminishing.
and now that term is ending,
even better.

i dont want to think of school,
all i am asking if probably an opportunity and a chance to move forward.
once tuesday is over, i will heave a sigh of relief.
what have i become? ):

i cant wait to start preparing for my birthday.
okay for honesty's sake, i have have started planning with emailing and all.
venue has been booked and queries about cake have been answered.
but actually ordering and paying (damned nonexistent finances) would only lead to fulfil my excitement!
damned, i wish i could plan other people's 21st instead haha.
it scares me that its slightly under two months, but i'm really excited too haha.
i'm weird, ruff.

tangyuan tomorrow,
spelling the end of the lunar new year.
then next week comes rolling along:

monday: breakfast with jasmine, opening at dempsey with tabby, closing at usq with kityee.
tuesday: portfolio collection (no interview please), mega rush to cab home with stuff and to work, work
wednesday: bbq with classmates, closing at dempsey.
thursday: closing at dempsey.
friday: nothing so please ask me out thx!
saturday: nomnom-ing outing for dimsum, closing at dempsey.

it doesnt help that it feels empty,
but yet craving and wanting wont help.
my only comfort is that i might not be ready.
now that may be a good or a bad thing, disgustingly.

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i really kinda want a craft room like that!
i mean, i like the minimalistic look and all,
but there's something about the organized chaos in a craft room that gets me.

happen to have lunch with the friends at wheelock,
and while waiting for a table, we popped by the scrapbooking shop.
well, now with a birthday guestbook in mind,
mentally arranging and designing the cover happens with materials in front of you.
actually inside, i'm quite the craft freak,
i want to play with glue and stickers.
i know i mock tingers with she spends so much on these things,
but i secretly love them to bits.
cant wait to go birthday guestbk shopping with tabs and then craft-shopping woots.
omigosh, i sound like mr schuster's wife in glee cos i want a craft room.
like just a plain white room for me to store things.

then again, i should be using the room to do my model-making rubbish.

all this thinking of school is driving me wild.
knowing how badly i'm gonna score keeps my heart continuously sinking into my stomach.
as much as i know how much i have to do, i should confess something: i'm prepping nothing.
yeah, i just hope everything goes well enough for portfolio review,
because if it boils down that i have an interview, i dont know how much can i defend myself.
of course it goes on to like how i cant wait to prove myself for next year,
yeah on and on, blah blah blah.

which reminds me of ke$sha's song 'blah blah blah'.
i'm actually getting quite addicted to it unfortunately.
but yes, not getting distracted.

i dont know if i'm burning myself out.
i havent started the work yet, but somehow my schedule seems really packed.
priorities and choosing over events werent much of an option.
it was difficult but thinking of it practically, it makes sense.
okay but thats really practical and somewhat superficial.
long term goals, short term sacrifices?

i dont know.
many things i'd like to rant here.
many things i want to say.
but passing judgement is never too difficult for others.
so yeah, just let it hover in my head and it might cease to exist.

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i'm quite the bipolar dude.
i want my future home to be a very minimalisitic loft with grey concrete walls and empty spaces,
but yet i like little explosions of colours like an entire yellow wall with something like this painted on top.
i'm not sure if anyone has seen this, but everytime i walk up dempsey hill to go to work,
i will pass by this furniture shop that has interesting furniture.
and on display is this patchwork sofa with lotsa colours.
i used to hate it, but somehow i've grown to like it and i can imagine it in a very concrete minimalist room,
sorta like a focal point.
man, i would be really sad if someone buys it.

my first post since the new year.
a little maddening with so many things happening,
but i enjoyed every single part of it.
though not so much when i had to haul my butt to school,
or do work at home.
not cool at all shingz.

it was really quiet without the cousins this year.
now that they're scattered all over the states,
i dont feel the want to stay at gma's place.
i still remember that we would plan the shows to watch during the first day on the eve.
and we would sink into the cushions on the second level with plates of pineapple tarts and a drowsy head.
so much has happened over this past year, and we're all kinda grown up with our own things to do.
definitely not a bad thing cos if we still do that in 3o years, we'd be fat and jobless.
so this chinese new year was kinda quiet, really.
luckily for the two new kids, i would really have been bored to death.

and i'm glad to be able to visit friends as well,
though i need to apologise to bel and ivan for not being able to attend.
i would have loved to drop by and i had already made my plans to come over.
if only it wasnt for school and going to my uncle's place.
and thanks peiyong and keith for having me over at your house.
the company and (bak kwa plus pineapple tarts) were really good.
you guys had be guffawing through the new year with good spirits and an excuse to wear new clothes haha.
i know there are pictures out there that are really quite unglam and terrible of me.
i must remember to stay calm and not laugh so loudly gah.

sometimes i wish i was so busy that i didnt have to think about the potential you.
and i do feel the need to occupy myself with something,
because it always feel like something's missing.
thinking about it, i'm not even sure i'm ready.
but i want to wake up with a purpose,
i want to wake up satisfied and ready.
i want to wake up knowing you'd be by my side.
cause right now, there isnt anyone and because of that,
the fifteen minutes longer i allow myself to sleep begins to snowball.

i would probably be uploading photos when i have time this week.
preferably i would like to edit them on tuesday but i must get on to do my portfolio submission.
goodness gracious, how school never fails to get me down.

my week in days and nights:
monday: opening at dempsey, closing at united square.
tuesday: year debriefing, lunch with shaun.
wednesday: home to do portfolio submission.
thursday: portfolio submission, work at holland.
friday: closing at dempsey.
saturday: alumni steamboat or work.

(if you're wondering why i put this down, its not to show you how busy (or lack thereof activities) i am.
but sometimes, writing things down makes my decisions a little more solid and more like reality.)

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‘Beauty is a form of genius--is higher, indeed, than genius, as it needs no explanation. It is of the great facts in the world like sunlight, or springtime, or the reflection in dark water of that silver shell we call the moon.’
- oscar wilde

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what do you get when you fall in love?
a guy with a pin to burst your bubble.
that's what you get for all your trouble.
i'll never fall in love again.
i'll never fall in love again.
- carpenters

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but in your life you'll do things greater than
dating the boy on the football team,
but I didn't know it at fifteen.
when all you wanted was to be wanted
- taylor swift

+++


it seems like closing at usq does give one
unexplainable singing tendencies to taylor swift.

awesome closing with shermaine last night.
it has been really very long since i last sat down to talk with someone from older days.
kinda reminded me of how gungho i was about everything last time,
all the obsession and awe about choir.
it certainly made me wonder where i put all that drive and motivation in.

there was definitely a time when i breathed and talked choral talk,
now it seemed all so foreign and strangely non-enticing.
but nevertheless, it was really great to start talking about things close to heart.

i could get used to this, really.
the taylor swift, the quiet-ness and the children walking past.
i'm not tying myself down, but i will keep my options open.

considering that i have options on my mind,
its actually signs that submission and presentation is over.
now i have remnant school days with mild schoolwork to do,
it feels awesome to be able to breathe, like a normal human.

dinner with shaunny and the classmates on tuesday after a good job interview test.
and i never knew i could eat so much, its really bad considering i would fatten up for cny.
but laughing quite so hard was something i really havent done in the longest time.
i literally had to squat down and i had my eyes closed the whole time.
so if you saw a dude sprawled on the floor at suntec in laughter, chances of that would be me.
gosh, how i miss those days.

if you have too much fun and keep thinking that the next day is the weekend,
chances are that you're enjoying life.
and suddenly i dont have time to go online or worry about my birthday.
ironic isnt it haha.

why yes i'm getting tired of your ways
and your every new excited tone.
you know what, whatever, you can deal with it and enjoy your bloody success.

lunch and shopping in awhile,
then a hopefully good presentation on friday.
and then its chinese new year with the family (:

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i was playing with my hair during submission week.
and thats how i look with bangs.
okay shits not cool, but i swear it has the ability to look much better.
zzz.

submission's over,
for one i definitely feel a sense of relief now thats its all done.
but its slowly eating away inside of me with crit on monday.
i dont think i'm ready, in the great comparison as everyone else.
though i really appreciate the sleep.
its felt so bloody good to wake up and not worry about work and laze in bed tossing in and out of sleep for the next hour.
awesome stuff.

i'm not gonna talk about how this week and the last has been an absolute bitch,
but i cant wait for the times ahead to come, or more so the next two-three weeks.
naturally knowing the nature of this terrific course, there're intermediate submissions.
and i'm all up for it because it is better than any of this rubbish that i've done.

one thing i have realised is that my parents dont really understand to the full extent the atrocities of this course.
somehow it seems to them as the nonequivalent of an exam or a test,
and as such, it isnt worth bothering or what nots.
i'm not gonna bitch about it, i'm beyond this and i'm higher than that.

as much as i want to be happy to be able to intern at an impressive firm,
i hate it that i have to go through so much trouble and at the expense of a favour.
it almost comes to a point that i want to just give it up.
well to me, six weeks is pretty long but i do understand the lack of time to study technicality.
i dont know, i just want everything settled and preferably up to expectations.

and could i have a side of fried chicken with that too?

dye-ing hair phail.
why didnt the colour show?
i knew i should have mixed the colour a little more and applied more.

next week:
monday - presentation for project, maybe traversing around singapore or a movie alone, closing at dempsey
tuesday - interview test for module, rich's bbq or movie with tabby
wednesday - closing at usq with shermaine
thursday - doing up elective slides, shopping/ramen with bel/piong/gerald
friday - presentation for elective, closing at night
saturday - new year's eve
sunday - new year first day!

ohyeah and bel, this is for you.
i forgot to take a picture of the final product.
so this an intermediate that i happened to take!

i havent stuck down the levels so thats why it looks a little lopsided.

actually, a pretty exciting week ahead,
as long as i get pass monday, i hear fantastic days to come!
(:

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IT COMES TO A POINT THAT FTW MEANS FUCK THE WORLD.
WAKING UP AND REALIZING THE AMOUNT OF WORK LEFT IS NOT AMAZING.
AND I THINK I'M GONNA HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
I WANT TO SING DANCE RUN BUT NOT DO FREAKING ARCHITECTURE.
DRAWINGS AND STYROFOAM AT THE BACK OF MY MIND.
SERIOUSLY WTH AM I DOING?

okay had to rant.
i think its done.
and having all these stupid thoughts fifteen mins after i wake is not funny.

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