a friday to myself,
feeling rather weird that i'm not working.

day of baking,
not too successful in my opinion.
but then again, maybe i was too adventurous.

suddenly i found myself at a loss with what i wanted to say.

dinnered with the family on a friday,
in fact i kind of miss it.
dont you love it when it rains,
the sound of rain when it hits the ground,
knowing that the weekend is ahead of me.

i'm amazingly excited for halloween!
though i'm working, i'll be working with fab people.
and i might possible be seeing classmates dressed up.
oh gawd, i'm veryvery excited, i just hope i dont get too tired!

and after this, its school work all the day.
):

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(via hellobeautiful)
++


i think this is probably my most favourite scene from the movie.
something about a bed, tumling between pillows on a chilly autumn night
that makes love seem so innocent and believable.

funny how i never saw us like that,
maybe i did and i forced myself not to.
because you never seem to see us that way.

i must be mad, i dont even want to know how much i spend.
thats what you do when you have the afternoon off school,
you go to town and you spend bah.
thinking about it, i nearly spent another hundred plus today.
luckily i didnt relent and ended up buying essentials for like, sixteen bucks?

seeing that i'm keeping my days free for the next two days,
i better get on down to do the things i've been wanting to do.
which basically boils down to getting some exercise first of all and of course schoolwork.
then again, schoolwork should come first for me.
seriously, what am i thinking?

thursday: schoolwork, maybe a run, confirming recipes, cutting decorations, meetup at dempsey for dinner
friday: schoolwork, bake, possible dinner if baking is done
saturday: halloween!

and after that, its schoolwork all the way.
i have no excuses for procrastination anymore.

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its the voice of hope, its the voice of peace,
its the voice of every man.
from a distance we all have enough,
and no one is in need.
-bette midler

+++


from a distance,
everything seems to look okay.

from a distance,
everything seems alright.
and it churns inside, bubbling bubbling away.

there are so many things i'd want to share,
so many things i wish you'd say.
there's no point waxing lyrical about you,
cos for all i know, the dramatic outburst might just be what i predicted.
they say i make love seem difficult, i say i make things easier for you.

longlong day,
i thot i might have enjoyed this day.
sure enough it might have been worse,
but sitting through talks one after the other makes my bum and mind sore.
definitely beats sitting in front of the moniter trying to work out my loose ends.
impossible and not planning to do any better argh.

early dinner with howe mummy after getting my overalls.
(yes i got them at an unruly price imo so it better be worth it)
i'm officially satisfied my thai cravings for another two weeks,
had em for lunch and now dinner.
quite full even though had dinner bout 3-4 hours ago,
but my mouth is itchy to put something in.
nom nom nom.

to a busy weekend,
to tie up loose ends for schoolwork.
monday, monday i will try again.
rooting for the best, but expecting the worst.

mumbles incoherently.

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i dont know what to say, really.
dont pull me up just to see me fall.

spare me and tell me we're not gonna make it,
i can take what you can give.

i just dont want to keep my hopes up,
spend so much time and effort just to be thrown like a rag doll.

i'm tired,
and i had the time of my life.
just so you know, the night was perfect.

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peiyong says i've to look scary for halloween,
so i'll have to look like that?!

bah, went down to haji to find the second hand shop,
but cant seem to find it.
why does it have to close down at this time?!

at the very least,
i'm done with my last few shots of slide film.
which means i need to spend again to buy new film and develop photos.
damn the middle of the month when i'm high and dry again.

okay looking through martha's website,
and i'm done deciding what does into the halloween goodie bag this year!
similar but it'll be replacing the pumpkin brownies i made last year.

now considering, whether i should get em overalls.
35 bucks for one night? arghhh.

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the day probably sucked more that i thought it would.
i didnt think it'll be that bad,
but from the moment i realized after my first yawn.
it went downhill from there.

it came to a point where i just told myself to leave,
and going back home really did its thang.
sleep never seem quite that good.
a good two hours at that.

really, i never felt the need to walk away before.
and now i've found a reason to,
plus severe dis-attachment from work.

epic failure.
its the littlest things that will bring you down gah.
school starts at one tomorrow, and i'm this close to not going for it at all.

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we're living in a den of thieves
rummaging for answers in the pages
we're living in a den of thieves
and it's contagious
-regina spektor

+++


a sunday thats almost gone,
funny how much sleep one person can get.

it is starting to feel like what i fell in love with again.
true enough, we all seem to have grown and matured,
a little different, a little strange.
but i'm glad to be feeling the same hype i started out with.

joni mitchell sure puts me in the mood for christmas.

it sure feels awkward,
but i have to take the blame for most of it.
i'm tempted to give up this whole mess and throw it away.
thinking back, i never had to feel this way.
i had enough laughs, enough rants and tears,
but seemingly enough, it has been reduced to this.
give it time or give it space or simply reducing it to abandonment?

(500) days of summer wasnt too bad.
came out of it feeling like a sheet of blank canvas,
completely unfeeling and wanting to rather bother about other things.
either that, or i chose not to relate anything to myself.
but one thing from the movie came to light,
never allow yourself to believe in fate.
it chooses to play with you and render you helpless with its done.

so why bother sometimes.
when life gives you lemons,
walk away and grab yourself an apple.

school starts tomorrow,
and i'm already dreading the train ride.
oblivious or overly enthusiastic.
i think i shall start the day with a blank face.


killing a squirrel might probably be easier than this.

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long day but i'm loving it so far,
and it means that i need an early night!

cake class today,
and i havent woken up at ungodly hours for quite a long time!
actually it wasnt that ungodly.
oatmeal breakfast at starbucks was quite pleasant actually.
plus it was raining so it was even better haha.
i love it when it rains, time to pull out the pullovers!

okay i really didnt recognize that pun.

walking in town just seems so much worse when you've no money,
or at least trying to save money for a rainy day.
its been less than a week since payday and i dont want to calculate how much i've spent.
very very bad haha.

i think good news makes me hungry,
cos after that i suddenly felt like eating!
though i was really too full and almost puked at the sight of food.
but still!
now i have every reason to start working so often again.

why am i suddenly craving for soupspoon's thai chicken salad.
need something tangy in my mouth mmms.


really am not making sense.
now craving for a huge buttery scone.
off to watch my movies, long day tomorrow with 14 hours in usq.

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back from dinner at grandma's.
and i realized it has been quite awhile since i've met them,
my extended family that is.

the topic came to school naturally.
earlier this week i was indeed thinking of school, i mean seriously.
cos i think i happen to be on the train heading to work or out,
i saw students, probably university students lugging around books for research or whatnots.
it made me think of how much i enjoyed lugging books around and setting up to study or do research papers.
i'm serious, i actually enjoy doing things like that.
it makes me feel accomplished and useful.

so it made me wonder what i'm doing now,
do i actually love it?

talk about architecture,
maybe i might like it better in university.
where architecture forms a more theoretical approach to this penumbrae.
and yes, it is definitely ranks as one of the top specialties of singapore, a growing one in fact.
seeing the number of architects in practice also should be quite exciting too, belonging into the arts industry.
i really dont know, seeing what i'm doing now.
i feel the need to push my passions further.

bah.

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i just felt like posting a photo.
looking back at the days i would spend my nights working,
i'm really gonna miss it when school starts.
gah, how i can lament the days that i had to work?

and that reminds me,
how i make completely make a full on judgement in a matter of minutes.
naturally, knowing what i knew yesterday, it made something die.
i questioned myself repeatedly what the hell i was doing here,
and it really made me understand the meaning of blind faith.
people that i have trusted so wholesomely suddenly seem ever so flawed.
but there's no need for blame or pointing fingers now,
it just makes me wonder if what i'm doing here is justified.
if i were to ask the batch earlier, would they stand up or do the same?

but thinking back,
if nothing happens, i wont hesitate to make the choice thats right for me.

just happened to drop past someone's facebook account.
well, it looks like moving on and more likely as a past tense has happened.
not surprisingly, i felt nothing.
but considering, it had been quite some time.
from what i see, what you thought you saw in me is actually not what you wanted.
you probably wont see this, but i'm glad you found the right one.

last week of holidays,
it didnt seem that fast did it?

monday: baking - tempted to try out them raspberry oatmeal scones
tuesday: cake class, dinner, shopping?
(MUST REMEMBER TO SIGN UP FOR ELECTIVE!!)
wednesday: cake class, closing usq
thursday: opening dempsey, dinner with howe mummy!
friday: setup closing dempsey, steamboat!
saturday: mid-shift dempsey, bel's birthday partay.


somehow i get hungry when i start moody-ing up.
and it doesnt help that i see food in the house gah.
you probably will say that you never even started anything.

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its only after my carbofilled brunch,
that i remember that i shouldnt be eating now.
cos i will only fall asleep later in the afternoon before going to work.
i'm starting to fill waves of fatigue hitting me.
all i want to do is watch a few minutes of how i met your mother and go straight to sleep.
*yawns*

and i'm craving for the koko krunch mcflurry mmmms.
yumms.

a little worn down by work,
but working mornings give my body clock its schedule back.
and by eleven or twelve, i'm off to bed to a sound sleep again.
(it must be the lack of naps that get me in)
but going out yesterday with howe mummy was great.
even travelling in the georgie alone makes it all worth it!
i really dont know what life would be like when she leaves,
and then i ask myself if i'm ready for this challenge.

it seems like its fraught with so many undesirable things i dont even want to think about.
thinking about it will somehow make me consider it.
despite all these things that may come,
i'm not sure if i can handle this with schoolwork.
looking at how horribly last sem went,
i dont know if i can even keep up working.

thinking about school makes me go mad and depressed.
even sometimes seem ongoing facebook conversations with schoolmates or lecturers,
i feel like killing myself omg.


lunch tomorrow with shopping.
now let me just take a nap and scoop my life away while i still can.

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and i can help if you'll only let me try.
you touch me and something in me knew,
what i could have with you,
well i'm not ready to kiss that dream goodbye.

+++


right in the middle of my sem break.
and true enough as expected,
i end up working so often that sometimes thats all i talk about.
it doesnt scare me that much, but it makes me realise how much i'm missing.

and then, the rest of the time
i try to keep myself abreast with the fall tv schedule.
and i amuse myself with the different ways that i can fall asleep.

i have this sudden urge to do something dramatic,
like to paint my room all over again.
but even starting to plan, i lose steam hurhur.

maybe i should start baking again.
maybe i should do charity work.
maybe i should start reading again.
maybe i should start alone.

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and now it chills me to the bone,
how do i get you alone?

+++


for once, i would like to believe that you had me in mind.
slowly i find myself pulling myself away.
i tell myself thats to protect myself and nothing else.

i just need you to ask yourself if you want to take than chance.
maybe i should ask myself that first.

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finally a day spent at home,
the whole day without going out nor working.
actually it makes me feel more obliged now to stay at home,
not that i have anything exciting to do at home,
but at least to stay with family.
despite the dozen people i could be going out with.

bummer!
but at least it helps me to save money,
until pay comes.
good lord, i have been absolutely dry argh.
plus i need to cut my hair gah.

there are probably a million things i would buy when pay's out.
> haversack from spin the bottle
> hoodie from topman
> hoodie from fox
> basic tees in different colours
> pair of jeans
> cap from springfield
> striped shorts from fox

there are probably more things to buy,
but that will be for another day.
either that or i havent seen or found em yet.

certain things, sometimes i wish i didnt know.
but knowing that some people are leaving strikes me every time i start work.
its this sinking feeling and i just want to give everyone a big hug.
like thats gonna solve anything.

still, being able to do music in the future really spurs me on.
and its something i havent had in quite a awhile.

at the rate i'm eating,
one day i'm gonna be sent to the hospital needing treatment.
alternate days of extreme deprivation and normal consumption.
unintentional of course but even normal consumption seems like a kill

i see steps moving forward, or attempts to.
but the nonchalance of before never fails to remind me of its existence.
so what am i to do, cos i'm really confused.
it actually came to a stage when i was questioning the possible reality of bipolarity.
yes, i am quite serious here.

so if you wonder why if i wasnt excited,
this is why and i dont want to be leading myself on again.

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