in an hour, 2010 would have arrived.
and as i sit in front of my desktop with autocad in the next window.
i do wonder, how much has changed since the last year.

looking back, i never made any resolutions last year.
one of the reasons could be that i worked through the new year,
and as such, fatigued and irritable as i was, i procrastinated and promptly skipped it.

well, one year on and its time for reflection,
before i attempt to go back to do my work.

2009 in a nutshell:

1. distraction is an understatement for the many things that have happened. compared to the distractions i had the previous year, the ones in 2009 were hardly beneficial. it actually brought be down much further. schoolwork was probably hit the hardest followed by family and possibly friendships. consciously i knew all this was happening, and its time to learn from this so it wont happen again.
2. darwin was a production of persuasion and growing up. listening to the advice, i psyched myself that keeping a cat is easy and manageable. true it seemed so in the beginning, but it quickly grew to a realization that this is more that just about myself. he's lovable no doubt, but ended up as a topic when heated conflicts started, definitely something i did not predict. as he becomes a part of the family, i see him more and more as a human being, part of my everyday life, something that i have not regretted.
3. concerts seemed to highlight dates in this year. with jason mraz and lady gaga, i never thought that i would have spent (that much money) that much fun in a single night. something that i wont regret doing and possibly taking out important time on a schoolnight to participate in. imogen heap anyone?
4. relationship(s) that got me thinking. it wasnt very long nor it probably wasnt significant to the other, but i grew up. short emotional bursts and a long think. long-gone were those days of pining, but a more grown-up tone as i start to fully realize the capacity that it can take in my life. i lived through it and i learnt. i may not have liked where and how it ended but i appreciate knowing and giving part of myself to you.
5. family matters that got me realizing that these people are there for you. in good or bad, these people will always be stuck with you. conflicts and shoutings may appear now and then as opinions differ, but sometimes those walls of self-defence come crumbling down and you're that six year old boy again.
   

my year wasnt so much rounded up by significant events.
sure it helps alot to keep the year in check with dates,
but this year was about growing up.
about the realization that my life is just beginning and i am responsible for myself.
no longer am i blanketed by family.

maybe i push myself to grow up too fast,
turning one year older to spell the bright and glittery freedom that bedazzles me.
i know that it is somehow an illusion, because its my life,
and it is up to me to mould and grow.
it'll be nice to have what they have, but for now, i know that its probably impossible.
i'm not them.

this year coming scares me a little.
turning twentyone seems like a big deal to me, for that day i'm officially responsible for myself.
sure its not right-away but the burdens will start to pile and i'm afraid.
and the middle of the year will spell the last year of poly for me,
for that will determine where i go next and ohyeah, the rest of my friggin' future?
so sure, its a year of lasts, the last of me being a child and me being a tertiary student.

so as i write down the dates for my new planner (after i finish my work),
i start a new year, cliche as it is, armed with resolutions to make this year better with oozes of determination.


and no, i'm not gonna wait for the countdown.
cos it seems like my mindset's all geared for the dawn of the next day,
be it the first of the new month or the end of the last.
happy new year, and cheers to a new year of determination.

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now i just need to find the motivation to do work.
christmas is over,
now its time to stop singing those carols!

with the birthday party,
and work, and new year (its not like i get drunk).
but there seems to be every reason to celebrate!

okay (happy) things to do:
1. write card.
2. fill up little captions.
3. wrapping.
4. bake.
5. find scarf.
6. check if darwin's okay.
7. watch the 8408348 shows that i loaded.
8. decide if i should bake again.
9. pack up my room.
10. start convincing myself to do work and actually getting down to doing it.

funny how the most important thing is ranked the last.

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my eyes are tired,
so's my brain.
time passes so much faster when i'm looking up songs or even facebook.

maybe this will help me get through tonight and tomorrow.

sunday: model making.
monday: remaining model-making/sleep, dinner with peeps
tuesday: closing at dempsey
wednesday: talk at dempsey, closing at rafflescity (yogoru!)
thursday: class in morning, buying present, scoopy auditions, dinner with ehem.
friday: class in morning, elective presentation, arrange for dinner.
saturday: pack for trip, closing at dempsey.

i wonder if i should work more.

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i tell myself,
its just burning up the weekends.
then it will all be over, this terrible term that is.
whatever that comes next year is classified as the next year.
burning up this weekend for three weeks of leisure.

came across a blog,
a 40 year old man who describes loneliness in so many different ways.
and in some way, it kinda me think.

just what am i looking for?
sure enough i dived in this headfirst,
not even checking or wondering whether any ties were present.
i guess it has always been obvious, just that i consciously blinded myself.
and i only have myself to blame.
but i'm not lying if i said that i was attracted by the intellect and possibly that pretty face.

sometimes i ask myself what am i looking for.
and honestly, thinking back, i think i'm lying to myself.
many a time.

yes i'm still lost,
cos the only comfort i seek isnt in someone else or other people or myself,
but insisting on making myself incredibly tired so i wont have the time nor energy to think.


it seems like i'm sabotaging myself,
and yet, i'm reassuring myself that it will be okay.

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