will you turn me away or touch me deep inside?
and before this gets old, will it still feel the same?
- pat benatar

+++

watched '13 going on 30 last night,
i didnt mean to watch the show because i cant remember the number of times,
and i kinda thought that i was bored with it.

but none of my shows seemed to load so i ate in front of jennifer garner,
and she amused me and made me fall in love all over again.
there's something about such old-school love that brings me back.
the photography, the random dancing and the wind in the hair,
always seems to get me.

it brought me back to when i was seventeen,
when i first fell so deeply, it took me so much to pull me back up.
i've not felt this feeling today since like what, four years ago?!
and it seemed like it was just yesterday.

the spontaneous shock of seeing you,
i cant believe the last time i blushed so furiously seriously.
oh gawd, i'm in such a mess.

to think that last night, i wanted to just heck it,
and give this up.
today turned it all around.

but really, i think i'm being self-indulgent.
to you, i may be this crazy maniacal fool.
i probably am and i never wanted to be this way.
i hate myself like this, a needy mess like a melting icecream cone.
i dont like sitting on the train thinking to myself, of the 'woulda coulda shoulda'.
because all of it will probably will never come true, because you were a castle on a cloud.

okay i have to stop it,
and stop moping and thinking that its real.
yes, you made my day but bumping into you but thats all.
no one likes kissing a fool.

expect nothing, live frugally on surprise.

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its now 1835h and i sat in frony of my laptop staring blankly.
as the week comes to a close, i try to collect my thoughts and what i've done.

dont get me wrong, compared to the school life i have almost gotten used to,
this is heaven poured into a drinking glass, easy on the tongue and thirst-quenching.
maybe its because i threw myself into this ongoing cycle too easily.
considering that i had my presentation on tuesday, i've worked every night closing till last.
and to think that i was this close to replacing shiyun for tonight.

i'm perfectly fine,
just that sometimes this masochism reminds me that i'm still alive.

but as the last speckles of light shines from my window,
i'm reminded that the week has really and truly ended,
and the procrastination to plan and pen down my the rest of the week.
naturally, to hopefully work out attempts to stop bumming around at home before scooping duties,
and try to see the faces of those whom i havent, in awhile.

i think i would want to just take a little time off,
though working would come top priority now,
seeing that i still have much to offset in terms of expenditure.
SIGH, munney woes.

and i realized, quite a few people drop by this blog.
though i have seriously no idea who they are haha.
scary, but sometimes nice to know that people give me encourgaement on the sidelines.
(:

monday: reading sessions, tea with chew, sam and tabby.
tuesday: swim, run errands, collect sunblock from bel's mom.
wednesday: lectures in school, closing at dempsey.
thursday: nothing.
friday: closing at dempsey, beach night! pot luck!
saturday: midshift sentosa, closing dempsey.

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back from work.
it was an overall fantastic morning.
i had a little reservation about what might transpire,
but everything turned out for the better, and yeah i had a great time.

it wasnt until i made my way home alone that i started freaking out.
freaking out about tomorrow's presentation which i am not ready for.
this time, i focused on getting it done and not so much the storyline and depth of understanding.
and i know that against the backdrop of classmates who improved by leaps and bounds,
i sorely fail in comparison and i just cant stand.

i dont really know what to do and expect tomorrow.
suddenly i am not ready and at a loss on what to do,
the buffer time and confidence is lacking and i can no longer spin tales out of air.
and convincing is no longer a forte of mine.

for one i'm glad its sooner than later,
at least the stab of reality hits me sooner.
then the sooner i get to really letting myself loose.
i'm worried, for the second time.
and worrying the first time got me into trouble.

for one, i need someone to believe in me and convince me.
that hasnt happened in a long time.
heck, that probably hasnt happened in a long time.
i dont want to go to sleep, though my body tells me so.
because waking up would highlight the fact that its a new day,
and looking over to the other side of the bed, i realise again that i'm alone.

looking at the things i saw, today and saturday.
funny as it is, mocked i attempted and laughed i tried.
these were probably attempts to deceive the fact that its killing me.
killing me that i could very well be one of them, killing me that i'm the one that isnt happy.

i want to stop trying so hard,
i want to start being the sloppy mess that i am,
and to be appreciated for it and smiled at.
i dont know, i just cant think straight now.
might it be presentation tomorrow or just that devout longing,
this lethal combination is killing me from the inside.

i should look at the notes before giving in to sleep.
its all to easy to escape into sleep when my frowns will ease.
but that will leave my mind blank tomorow.
i dont know, i dont know how strong to lift this nonsense anymore.

we'll see what happens tomorrow.
time might slow down, but it has to pass somehow.

tuesday: presentation.
wednesday: closing dempsey.
thursday: closing dempsey (black chunk fest)
friday: closing dempsey.
saturday: closing dempsey.

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