i'm currently...


wishing: that my school work will magically do itself and turn out perfect.
disliking: how i find myself insanely inadequate.
reading: Cosette by Laura Kalpakian.
missing: having time with complete no worries.
wanting: someone to step in and flourish my life.
improving: my nonexistent progress for schoolwork.
realizing: that there really isnt much time till submission.
loving: planning events and spending time with people.
considering: a nap.
watching: Project Runway which i'm telling myself is adamant to a break.
regretting: the choice to join.
hoping: next weekend will come soon for Chunk Fest and tie-dye session cos by then i cant worry about submission no more.

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ended up not doing anything today.
sat around, watched half a movie, ate and ate and tried to sleep.
ended with inception and me holding a cup of koi now.
not exactly good for my health hmms.

seems like i've been thrown into this bout of holidays,
and i seem to be dreaming more often,
which sometimes show that i'm getting rest.
such that i have the energy to let my mind wander
and think about flying and all the jazz.

recovered from my bout of rage,
when all i decided was to give up and let the rest of the world deal with it.
but its worrying how scary i am when i'm alone with my thoughts sometimes.

an updated schedule of my week,
looks like its more organized and looking up.
now singtel, give me the call that my iphone is ready please?

tuesday: work
wednesday: work, dinner/david choi
thursday: school
friday: school, out with jasmine, collect moolah, shop
saturday: lunch with family, work?
sunday: picnic

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before i channel my rage into anyone,
this is the next best alternative.

i really hate it when i'm finally free and available,
no one is going to reply me or even bother.
so here i am vomiting paragraphs of what i want a selected few to hear.
may not be you, may be you.

seriously what the hell is wrong with you.
first you come pleading me to accompany you.
i had scheduled work so i couldnt give any promises,
but i almost gave in and canceled my shift just to accompany you.
and this is in reference that you didnt even bother to accompany me.
and your reason was, oh i'm tired and the time it takes is too long.
i said fine, its okay i will go myself and i did and i was alone.
so now here i am with a rescheduled shift and going with you.
and now you wont even bother replying my text regarding the time.
i am THIS close to staying at home and not bothering about you.
SERIOUSLY, then maybe you will consider my existence.
(okay you just replied with news that you want to back out now, thank you and f*ck you)

i know you're sad and all that,
but hellooo i entrusted you to help us do this.
and you're just dillydallying with your supposed sadness and lack of interest.
i dont want to push youm but i hope you dont regret it when it runs out.

stop treating me like shit,
the only reason why i act like i'm cowering is cos i'm tired.
and i find no other reason to piss you off, it no longer proves anything.
but how dare you change my slots without even having me in consideration.
i wanted to say this to you, and maybe one day i will. f*ck you and yours disgusting face and muffin top.
you gross me out really, if i didnt need this, you wouldnt even see me at all.
sometimes when i see you eat, i wish all the fats choke your kidneys.
yes, you are evil but my thoughts can kill.

reply, tell me what is up.
even if you dont care, have the decency to reply me.
i know i no longer see you as often, but hello have the courtesy to say no even you dont accept what i am proposing.
i dont see why i need to make so much effort to contact you.
you are gradually pissing me off when i am just trying.

i know you are busy,
life seems to have finally started.
but cant you even give two hoots?
do you know that 70% of the things that i came across,
all i want to do is to maybe show or buy it for you.
because you mean an essential part of my life, now at least.
here you are, just blowing the rest of me off.
fine, but i expected better of you.

okay i just have to stop thinking about this.
sometimes i really wish i could just take a jet off by myself.
then when i am finally not here, lets see what happens.

monday: school.
tuesday: work.
wednesday: work, david choi/dinner.
thursday: maybe school.
friday: maybe school.
saturday: lunch with family.
sunday: picnic at mysterious location.

i might regret this post now,
for those who figure out is them, may take offense.
but for now, the freedom of speech to express my rage is mine.

what i want, i can't have.
what they have, i don't have.
but yet, its said that everyone's lives are balanced,
with the good they have, the bad they are burdened.
now where exactly is any of my good?
tell me, cos i can't see.

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when i was young, i fell in love
iasked my sweetheart what lies ahead
will we have rainbows, day after day
- doris day

+++

here we are, at the end of the week.
didnt think how i managed to get through it,
but the end couldnt have come soon enough.

i couldnt quite believe i got through shipment,
and being bossed and tossed around without a sound from my indignant lips.
and for four days, day after day at that.
i usually want/need to have the last say,
so if i just give a blank stare and not comment, i must have lost some fire.

it came up to a point when i questioned myself if i was that incompetent.
naturally, there was a period when a 'f*ck you' was quite needed.

but that aside, i shouldnt harp,
because that is quite over and done with.

so i'm here sitting on my mom's bed,
blankly listening to songs and wiping sleep from my eyes.
this habit of rushing from school then to work isnt going to work.
no doubt it left me busy and bushed at the end of the day,
i cant help thinking of why i'm doing what i'm doing as i try to fall asleep at night.
sometimes i lay awake thinking, sometimes i just fall asleep due to fatigue.

seriously, i was watching an episode of something last night on my macbook,
and i woke up two hours later with a cramp in my leg and realizing that i fell asleep halfway through the show.
if i didnt have the cramp, i wouldnt have realized at all!

i try my hardest to scope in my social activities within the next two weeks,
or even more so, the next 1.5 weeks.
because i dont know when i'll be free again when school starts for me.
so with picnic cancelled this sunday, i guess i will have time for myself and the family.
even dinner with my paternal side seems to be cancelled tonight,
so i guess its me and the books.

speaking of books,
i realize that i still have 'precious' by sapphire on my table unread,
so maybe i should start with that.
the movie was really good so we'll see where that goes hmms.
and goodness, i still have not watched inception nor despicable me! ):

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come together everybody
fly the flag and share our story
live our wildest dreams
- corrinne may

+++

weekends are often accented with such happiness.
despite not really heading out too much,
i managed to sleep through the weekend.

ignorance is bliss,
and not knowing what is happening is a bliss on its own.
congratulations to the many couples popping up,
guo wei will try not to bother.

its the holidays,
and i've got the whole week planned out.
not very enjoyable considering some akhbdfshkajld woman placed me on night shifts.
which means i 'should' head to school in the mornings to do schoolwork,
then to work.

i forsee being really tired,
because i'd be bossed around at night and its not funny at all.
gahhh.

tuesday: school, closing
wednesday: school, closing
thursday: closing
friday: closing (picnic as of now)

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my favourite season has always been fall.
and if you check your calendar, it has already been august six days ago.
i know right, when did that every creep up on everyone?

just moments ago, i was proclaiming that 'california gurls' was my summer go-to song.
and now, i think i need to find something to slather on for the rest of the season.
if you think about it, summers are usually quite short.
summers dont usually start till june properly comes along.
then people would start chanting about the cliche beach activity and all that trash.
and then it will be followed by two months cos when august comes,
people start tightening their buttons in appreciation or detest of the coming months till october at least.

so just a quick one of things that remind me of fall.

1. august
just the idea of august arriving on my shores bring me hope that fall is gathering her petticoats. august never reminded me of anything other than fall. i mean really, associating august with summer is almost satanical.

2. holidays
poly holidays always messes me up, because then i always end up taking a (nonexistent) raincheck for outings with people that have a more regular holiday period with the rest of the world. july then becomes a really busy month with ranting and lots of breaking down from the existence of schoolwork.

3. fashion week
i'm not a fashion whore nor do i keep sight of what goes on with the fashion world. but the name itself is scattered in columns and shows everywhere. just two days ago, i remember watching the season premiere of 'project runway' and tim gunn mentioned about the finale being Fall Fashion Week in a new venue. it was then that it suddenly hit me, that fall was actually really coming soon or that being said, it was already here.

4. national day
with national day coming up in three days, i always make a yearly homage to this day. i wont go into the details but part of my groupie (and romantic) self would indulge in national day songs and that brings along 'home' by kit chan. i never really understood why, but maybe its the falling leaves in the music video tells of autumn. all the blues and browns tend to bring fall into mind.

5. and lastly, hoodies
you know fall is upon us when pullovers and hoodies start appearing in your favourite shops.

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i may be disturbed...
but won’t you concede
even heroes have the right to dream.
- five for fighting

+++

sometimes we should stop trying to be perfect
and we should stop trying to be a superhero.
its nice to fall and lay in the corner like a ragdoll,
then maybe you might actually learn to breathe.

submission's over.
as much as i want to muse and go all exaggerated,
this is only part one and there's helluva part to go.
but at least i get a break, and maybe a little time to earn some moolah.
and it starts with blood donation (?!?!), lunch and movie marathon tomorrow
and dinner on saturday.
if we get tickets tomorrow (pray so)
everything is definitely gonna go great!

out of the blue i started talking.
and it suddenly felt better to talk to someone older,
someone who knew how to sayang with the right things to say.
it takes a wealth of experience to know that sometimes the shit you're facing now isnt so bad.
your life doesnt start till you hit much later in life,
its just now that everything seems so much more blown of proportion.

thinking about it,
maybe i just need to talk.
for someone to really 'get' me.
its not that i havent had people to talk to,
but i dont know its kind of hard to put down in prose.
i guess i have to sing about it HAHA.

okay i'm obviously feeling a whole lot better.
(:

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i still believe in summer days.
the seasons always change
and life will find a way.
- ingrid michaelson, sara bareilles

+++


honestly, i really detest summer.
it has been a few years since i've really enjoyed it.
somehow it never makes(made) sense.

love winter, always did.
despite the cold that accompanies with travelling to the states.
one day, armed with a cuppa joe and a camera and my macbook.
we would be so fine.

a terrible week,
and it has only been two days.
who am i kidding, its 1043am on tuesday.
barely even two days and i know the week is bad.

hate submissions,
hate hate hate.
nothing expresses more crude disgust.

i better start opening the files to get a head start.
and this weekend will be fantastic.

thursday: submission.
friday: blood donation and movie and lunch with jasmine.
saturday: dimsum (?) and batch outing.
sunday: family lunch.

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