a chair is still a chair, even when there's no one sittin' there
but a chair is not a house and a house is not a home
when there's no one there to hold you tight
and no one there you can kiss goodnight
- glee cast

+++

i cant seem to seat my thoughts on the same train,
so here goes:

1. the latest glee episode 'home' has got me thinking, got me sad and got me despondent all at the same time. either the episode's really good or there is really something wrong with me.
2. managed to stay in school today with no help from anyone, and managed to get a present so kudos to me.
3. i cant seem to eat anything. after i eat, i feel like puking or forcing myself to. disgustingly so because i never enjoy anything i put in my mouth, not even for the sake to sustain my blood level.
4. kind of burst out to my mom when she needed help with her iphone. no specific channels from where it came from but it just came out unknowingly.
5. i want to coop myself in my room watching endless episodes of 'little nonya', because its the most easily accesible.
6. finally collecting my internship pay tomorrow. which also means its time to pay off debts.
7. i want to talk about it, but i dont know if i can.
8. i did it out of my own concern, and looks like my worst case scenerio came true. fine, i'll walk away. kicking up a fuss and telling you would do not help to me.
9. very tempted not to go to school to help groupmates tomorrow but work from home. the hell i will get is beyond me.
10. even sleep probably wont help, doubt binging either.
11. starving like mad, but i'm tempted to push the dinner plate away.
12. hope that tomorrow's h2h with bel and zkai will help.
13. very very tempted to delete everything.

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we had a kettle; we let it leak:
our not repairing made it worse.
we haven't had any tea for a week...
the bottom is out of the universe.
- rudyard kipling

+++

its the end of the week,
and it kind of felt that my birthday was like 2 weeks ago gosh.
time might actually be passing slower that i thought.

full of ups and downs,
but i'm glad for the people who made me smile.
i couldnt be more thankful for the little things that made me smile.

ever since wednesday,
i cant stop drinking tea, particularly earl grey.
there's nothing special about it, but the bergamot lingers.
and it strangely keeps me sane and slightly needy.
a little like a drug, a little like a warm hug.
something tells me that i hide in that little corner with my earl grey,
just because i know that i wont be found.
and that i have an excuse and a need without any judgement.
or is it?

i've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
and i thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
but i'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain.
to hell with my pride, let it fall like rain.

sometimes i'm surprised how much i cover up.
they say bottling's not good.
but unleashing the pandora's box not the best way.
still, i wonder how i can so easily dispense advice when i dont believe in them in my circumstance.

i know,
i lack something that drives my passion.

new week, many things to be joyous about.
right, okay.

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don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for,
i can't help it - there's nothin' i want more.
ya know it's true;
everything i do - i do it for you.
- bryan adams

+++

before you know it,
its already noon on this saturday.
and what have i done? nothing.

a week that got me thinking,
got me shivering at prospects and sinking at losses.
this promise that i made to myself takes balls to carry it through,
but it appears so much easier on paper.

i want to eat, i want to sleep,
and i regret it all.
oh bull shit, this is the ten minutes i'm allowing to mope about myself.

using a new scent on my last night really confused me.
i found myself very lost in terms of personality,
i kept snatching whiffs of it and wondering if it was me or someone else.
its hard to explain what it feels like,
but it almost felt like i didnt belong in this skin.
involuntary reflex or conscious thinking, i wasnt even sure.
it feels different, but i dont know if i like this change.

i dont like how my life works out with these pockets of spaces.

sunday: work
monday: school, ajchoir concert
tuesday: school, kelly clarkson concert
wednesday: school, schoolwork
thursday: school
friday: closing at usq
saturday: labour day aka nothing
sunday: schoolwork

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wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
can't get no love without sacrifice
if anything should happen, i guess i wish you well
a little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell
- mika

+++


mika never sounded sadder.
odd, i guess that is what growing old makes you.
reminiscing and thinking about everything past.
as many promises i tell myself about the future, doesnt exactly work.

well, time waits for no man.
my secret like for marshmallows in hot chocolate,
falling asleep in hoodies smelling of clean cotton.

in slightly under two hours,
i turn twenty one.
the consideration to sleep through it runs very high.

okay before it gets worse,
off i go.

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i dont want just a memory, give me forever.
dont even think about saying good-bye,
cause i want just one love to be enough.
and remain in my heart till i die.
- renee olstead

+++

i think renee has been on loop for the past 26 times.
something about her and olivia-one-esque songs make me never grow bored on a cold night like tonight.
makes me want to brew tea and tumble in an old tee and boxers.
(of which i'm not wearing either now)

first day back at school.
i actually really miss travelling to work aka internship.
the straight bus may mean less visual interest,
but there's comforting sitting in a bus rolling along with the aircon blasting from above.
all the same, i'm not complaining about school (yet)
because there are people in a worse position.

work begins.
starting tomorrow, i've got to bury my head in this new piece of work.
and finally get my priorities in check with my last year arriving on my shores.
to keep this momentum going, is going to be quite a terror.

expectations, dreams and wonders.
i'm hesitant but i want to embark on this.
why do i keep falling into such potholes?

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THANK YOU

thank you all for being part of my life,
being part of my grimaces and nuances,
being there when i cant seem to pick myself up,
accepting me for who i am,
to laugh and smile along with me,
for giving me a much needed slap whenever necessary,
giving me a chance to redeem myself,
for stepping in the mud to waddle along with me,
for being yellow.

i would thank you from the bottom of my heart,
but for you, my heart has no bottom.
(:

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We always wish for the most beautiful of all things;
just like how fallen flowers and leaves in autumn mean so much more than in the summer.
We begin life that way as with every beginning,
we want to live it to the maximum and to seize the greatest moments to make the day.
Did we learn to dream or is it natural within the biological makeup of our body-mind-soul?

+++


Pensive and maybe a little evaluative,
I cant help but think of such things when I'm in office.
Its not ethical I know but my colleagues are all off for meetings for the rest of the day, so i'm gonna sit myself down (though i'm sitting down most of the time) just to ponder;
and to put some of my thoughts out on words.

I have been asking myself what kind of lifestyle I am looking to.
Recently I find the need to readjust my outlook on life,
with the notion of age looming up behind me.
Sure enough people may say that it is just a number,
but the initial stigma and judgement does not fail to tail behind.

I watch, I see and I understand.
And I wonder if I can achieve what those people can do.
Veiling explicitly sometimes, I know that it is not easy to build upon something that leaves me more exposed to the world.
The rain ceases to pour and the clouds start to clear,
and the same bright sunlight filters in my room once again.
Then, I wonder what have I worked to accomplish.

I'm not a ungrateful child,
I am thankful for the family I have, the friends who listen to me and myself whom I sometimes appreciate.
But what if things could be different? For good and for worse?

We all want the most beautiful things in life,
so we buy the seeds, we sow and we scatter on the best fertilizer.
And we watch it grow, slowly and shakily till wee see the fruits of our labour;
having a beautiful flower as the pride and joy of our garden.
Sure it may not be the most beautiful nor the rarest of flowers,
but we do have something to be proud about, sometimes in other people's eyes.

But when the flower wilts,
what exactly do we have left?
A pile of soil, a truckload of the best fertilizer, and the ending of summer.
What now?

In a way, the fallen flowers are the most beautiful.
It spells the beginning of something new, but what is beginning no one knows.
So should we just sit by the soil and wait for a seed to sprout?

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