the week off school has been terrifyingly great.
up to a point that school seems so far away,
until the text of doom pops by which i have conveniently have been trying to avoid and scorn it.

i finally feel the real need to step out and see a little sun.
and the need to start fulfil my social activities that i have been forced to avoid.
it feels real great aint it?

the last sunday of the semester smells of rain.
seemingly like the last summer rain and the beginnings of fall,
which spells the new comings of the fall tv schedule and a possible travel fever.
there has never been a time i have suffered such an immense bout of wanderlust.
naturally the possibility of travelling to far enough places wouldnt happen now,
but at least the possible planning near the year end would be good.

it seems so odd that i should reject a schooltrip to hongkong in oct,
but at this point of time, i really cant deal with another mention of school.
i just want to do what is require of me and shove off (to something better).
even the mention deadlines or names of lecturers names sends me into a squirming fit.
eeks the horror.

as this blissful week branches out into the next,
its time to get over what seems impossible
and to tie up loose ends (or rather loose submissions) still left frayed.
nonchalance and work will help me through this week.
fat and whiny asses would not stand a chance.

i guess i understand your need now.
and if you seem to have others following you,
so you know what, i will just have to accept what is obviously not true.
maybe this is what they mean by having no strings attached.
there's really no point in harping on it.


just seven days!
but let the partying begin (:

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seriously,
firefox has problems with everything!
from blogger to facebook.
and twitterific doesnt work for me now bah.

finally i'm done with school,
i could be bothered about essay submission this coming wednesday.
but you know what, i really cant be now.
relishing this goodness of time,
the flexibility of being able to sleep more than three hours feels good.
damn good in fact.

a whole week of goodness planned ahead,
mainly filled up with work, cos work keeps me up and happy.
pockets of free time waiting to be filled up and outings tomrrow and friday to look forward to.
never again will i lament of the free time i have,
cos i now know how special and important it is.

when i received the text at work today,
my heart sank knowing more rubbish would had to come.
but you know what?
i promptly deleted the message and pushed it to the back of my mind.
at this point, i cant fill this bottle anymore.

now, i can only pray for tomorrow.
please let everything go well and everything i have hoped for?
well, my horoscope says that it'll be good so let's keep it that way.
and i'll ignore the telltale signs to move away from you.

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crunching it for a few hours
and talking about it,
i think i finally understand.

i see why you're afraid of me pushing,
'cos taking it from someone else's shoes,
i think i would feel the same way too.

after all, we have all the time in the world aint it?
if this jigsaw fits right, it will.


maybe its the news of the (practically nonexistent) extension
that helps the slight peace in me.
talking about it definitely helps.
at least letting me know the reasons why and dislikes really helps.
knowing a little more underneath all of that fancy sugar-coating.

priorities should keep me in check,
look forward to what you have to do.

chin up, guowei.

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said i'm so sick of love songs,
so sad and slow.
so why can't i turn off the radio?


+++

taking a little time off to pen down the swirl of emotions i'm getting.
my model's kinda done, but its taking me a little more to do what is necessary.
it seemed so easy before, it makes last year seem so much like a breeze.

then i remember that i had constant backing and constant distractions,
or lack thereof in fact.

today's the day if i wonder if its right.
when i'm alone, my mind drags the crayon over a longer surface,
possibly making the reality a little bogged.

imperfection dwells in retrospection,
despite how many eyes i close, its in my face these little bumps in the road.
i try then, hard and furiously to find the foundation that made this possible.
but you know what, i cant find it.
or at least, i'm losing the faith.

bordering on disgust,
my bones refuse to let me go on.


please dont lead me on,
because i am slowly finding myself succumbing.
too easily, too fast.
i know that it might be too fast but you might just be what i'm looking for.
i understand your need to nudge me aside to take things slow,
but affirmation might be nice.

or should i leave right now,
before i fall any deeper?

/ top

yes, i do not take back my words at all.

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i'm really up to my neck with frustration.
i dont know where my life is going,
at least schoolwise and personal-life wise.

time goes a-wasting
and i am still here hooked up on things long gone.
with foam and plastic still waiting to be cut and stuck together,
reality slaps hard indeed.

i'm this close to losing it,
and throwing things across the room.
its this stoic silence that fuels this madness.
not now, not now, not ever.



like what she said last night,
"you can tell them that lady gaga said to fuck off."

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it toils on me wondering why i'm even caring,
and i ask myself repeatedly today if that random act of kindness meant anything.

well,
i'm wondering if i can keep this on hold.
priorities that matter should move up a notch.
lo and behold, i havent touched my schoolwork
and i've been working my ass off this entire weekend.
(i probably wont be regretting this when pay comes next month)

sometimes i'm so desperate for escape
that it makes me lose my mind on so many levels.



with that,
WELCOME TO THE FAMILY - BABY NEPHEW ANDREW & NEW BLACKBIRD FLY CAMERA JETJET!
(:

HAPPY 44TH SINGAPORE!

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back from Sing Dollar!
and if i didnt realise how long since the last time i went for a local play,
i wouldnt have actually known or realized.
okay so that didnt make sense, nevermind.

but i really enjoyed myself,
with the many splatters of languages and dialects thrown in
and a huge scoop of local talent.
me likey (:

its only when you start to listen to the voices closely,
do you realise how much power is behind each voice.
i enjoyed every single person of the cast immensely.


halfway through the show,
looking around at the people around me brought me back to years from where i was.
no doubt i'm older and probably more mature,
but it seems like the mind hasnt moved.
and i realize that i'm after the same thing,
or at least the same things i was craving or looking for back then.

and i ask myself,
what have i allowed myself to settle with?
something lesser something lower and maybe altogether undigestable.
its then i decided, i wont settle for anything lesser.
i wont settle for anything till the bunny comes hopping by.

i'm too tired to deal with anything,
i will only indulge in what i'm proud of.
you may not understand, you may complain, you may scoff.

deal with it.
cos thats where i'm going.
and i seem to be getting recognized.


a distant future it may well be.
but shortchanging my life for someone else just aint justified.

[c'mon, i didnt think that lady gaga's next week sheesh!]

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i wont say i lost passion in what i'm doing.
but more so, i dont see a future for where i'm heading.
and its scaring me, creeping up like moss growing from at the north face of a tree.

somehow i knew it wasnt going to last,
i told myself that i could take it even if it becomes overpowering.
but there's no point deceiving yourself and someone else.
i did the basic but still i could be doing so much more than necessary.
stupid aint it?
at least i think so.

i want to submerge myself in water,
i want to go walking and huddling and inspired by what's different.
but then thinking back, this is what keeps my life going and not becoming a standstill.

what am i doing?
i'll be the victim of my own demise.

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