i think the reason why i'm craving food so much
is that i watch too much tv shows that revolve around food.
abstaining from rachael ray and martha stewart (talking about gardens) helps.

running at ten am is not a good idea,
cos after one round i decided that it was really far too warm
and perspiring enough after four rounds.
so i went home for crunches in front of the telly.
quite healthy right?

and my mondays are looking up,
having shows like desperate housewives, american dad, family guy and simpsons.
all ready for a showdown when i'm back from work tonight.

i wonder if i should bring jetjet out today.
cos i've to drop by the developer for my photos, the dentist then work.
so i might pass by some interesting places.
(considering that though i have directs to the dentist, i have honestly no idea how to get there)


there are times like this i really cant be bothered at what you're playing.
and i'm honestly tired.

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just have this damn insatiable urges to eat.
(right now i'm craving bananas though i had one less than 12 hours ago)

stop growing fat!

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with grey's season six loading in the background,
here i am with some time to burn.
or so to distract me from eating something,
i swear, a banana and a cinnamon bun makes me hungrier.

darn it,
i just seem to nurse a soft spot for em singers.

maybe this is a good sign,
not know what to do or what to say when you're around.
cos for now, i really dont know what to expect or know what to surmount.
i guess i might be thinking too much,
cos i see beginnings of paranoia and i dont like what i see.
but sanity stops me, and i know that i've to give you space.
because after all, you've seen it all and probably more.

but it scares me sometimes,
about how little do i know about you.
and to you, i'm just another toy?
faith babe, faith.

SIGH,
two options to choose.
do you want me to give you priority?

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a veryvery long day indeed.
or yesterday for that matter.

was so bushed i almost fell asleep into my kimchi.
though i really fell asleep nearing the end of dinner,
and conked out in the car on the way home.
i don't know how people do it,
but at the expense of what i'm being paid,
i'm guessing i'm being milked for what its worth.

and that was followed by a deep sleep till four/five in the morning.
ended up watching shows till late and back to sleep,
completely missing the emmy's this morning bah.
):

i'm still very hesitant on embarking on the two-hour-long season five finale of grey's.
unrealistic expectations of love much, but still hmms.

my mom asked me last night,
"why do i work myself so hard?"
that was then i stopped and ask myself that very same question.
i couldnt find an answer but i may be suffering the aftereffects of being burnt.
a little for now at best, but nonetheless very existent.


contemplation and i keep staring.
should i or shouldnt i?
being tossed around is not something i want to invest in again.

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but what do you say to taking chances,
what do you say to jumping off the edge?
never knowing if there's solid ground below
or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
what do you say,
what do you say?
- glee cast

+++


it must be nice to sleep,
to know what once you wake up,
everything will be back to normal.

it felt like that,
and i never want it to end.

finding a drive and motivation,
that's probably the thing helps to keep me going.

it felt so right,
it felt so good.
will it still be like that?

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i marvel at the way my whole morning revolves around rachael ray and martha.
i wake up and judge my online time and wash-up time according to how much time till rachael.
and then its a complete blank-out until martha ends.
funny thing, i will decide what to eat for breakfast/lunch during the commercial breaks.

darn my life is completely weird hurhur.

well tomorrow will be interesting!
finally going to get down to baking yays.
for now its a tie between butterscotch cookies or pound cake.
(and it doesnt help that i'm opening more foodblog tabs that offer more choices)
and for lunch, its prawn aglio olio that i've been craving since forever.
the clam olio for lunch today doesnt quite hit the spot haha.

and then its off to movie, then ayam penyet loving and then geylang serai!
gonna bring jetjet along for the ride with his new pet flash.
we'll see how them photos turn out haha.

quite excited at the thought of a fulfilling day!
(but that depends if i can avoid waking up late gahh)


please dont play with me?
i dont want to invest in something that wont work out again.

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still reveling with the last remnants of chunk fest.
besides from the physical reminder that my nose is flaking,
there's something about seeing everyone else that reminds me of what everything was like.
everything that was before.

i guess it didnt occur to me until today.
whatever happened, i held on that he was there.
but now something's obviously missing,
i just pray that it doesnt turn to hell from here.
why, i pray didnt he change anything if he was unhappy?
would tendering resignation keep the company from not falling?
i dont know if i'm more pissed or upset.

sent my photos for processing today.
hope at least a bunch of time turn out okay,
though i know that half of them would have their heads chopped off.
or gone anyways sheesh, i should have realised LONG ago.
but marbleslab was yummy, though i should have added more toppings hurhur.

planning this week scares me.
i dont usually plan things, or maybe its just that circumstances dont allow me too.
judging by weekly submissions with school,
now that i have free time, its leaves me time to plan.
i'm already considering the following week,
scary man, what have i become!

as surprised as i am,
i'm really confused on what you're doing.
you said to take things slow and keeping a close check,
it seems like you have more than enough other people to keep you busy.
so tell me, why are you doing this?
cos i have found every reason to give this up.


random cravings for tomyam soup, prata and mushrooms.

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waking up never seemed quite that peaceful.
as i wonder wistfully at what was gone,
i look at the time and its time for the future.

forgive me if i dont make time for you,
you never tried that hard anyways.

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firefox is messing up with my blogger and facebook.
and just as i'm trying to upload photos rahhs.
peanutbutterruff!

crazy weekend with extremely little sleep.
but it was all worth it!
work on friday was hellava fun and bringing it all to a close with chunk fest.
(i consider sunday as part of the next week cos i would probably be sleeping away)
i loved every part of chunkfest with its sun and icecream
which means that the high probability of photos in jetjet looking good.

very burnt but with two pints of oatmeal cookie chunk!
'sweet cream cinnamon icecream with oatmeal cookies and fudge chunk'
ohboy, a new favourite icecream flavour and this one wont change for a long time.
the bliss and euphoria!
:D


busy week with schedule outings and possibly a little rest,
bringing the worst on the weekends surviving on little sleep again.
but am loving every part of it.
(:

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a sudden thought.
what i would do if i'm in the states now,
sitting by a window watching the weather slowly turn into fall.

and with my two new books and dvd,
i'm already prepared.
its fall already damnnit!

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i've got the time and i'm wasting it slowly
here in this moment i'm half way out the door
onto the next thing,
i'm searching for something that's missing

there's gotta be more to life...
than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me.

+++


hellooo!
why am i doing up so late?
i should be waking up at eight and making my life worthwhile.
VERY MUCH MORE WORTHWHILE.
hmph!

sometimes thinking back,
i wonder if i'm taking into consideration at all.
just a passing phase, probably there when there's a need.
naturally, the immediate reaction to this would be:
"oh no, no lah. you krazee ah. of kors you matter!"
nah, i'm not getting into depression or what nots,
just wondering and letting that little train of thought linger at the edge of my mind.
it might fester it might not.

looking at past and future events,
i ask myself if i really want to be part of it.
there are hardly any close people with me,
and it seems like i wasnt asked or thought of during the planning.
its not that i feel blessed and honoured to be part of it,
but i ask myself if i was considered in your comprehensive planning.
probably not huh, i can kind of see that.
its then i ask myself if do i want this, at all.

or do i need this for some other reason i already know?

am terribly upset with last minute plans.
though i'm one for spontaneity,
when i've got everything planned out
i dont want to be running around looking for help like a crazed chicken.
ahh the word is helpless, i dont want to feel helpless.
but then again, i was damn craving for em h&m shopping and crazy good dimsum.



and then i said,
dude, your perspective on life sucks.

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five things you wish you could say to five different people now:
- wake up, start thinking about the rest of the world.
- please stop leaving me hanging by a thread.
- i would have liked to be the first to be asked by you.
- i'm glad i have you to turn to.
- i will miss you when you leave, its like i will suddenly have no one to look up to.

ten things about yourself:
- i get neurotic when whatever i bake doesnt turn out right.
- if something's destined to fail, i would not put any more effort into it, its useless.
- i have this penchant for thinking that i dont have enough grey clothes.
- i love werther's original but i hate caramel.
- i hope for the best but i expect the worst.
- i love space, lots of it.
- despite not liking it, i need constant care and concern.
- i secretly want people to take pictures of me, not tha naughty types of course.
- i believe that i see the best in people.
- if i bother to exercise, i can probably lose em fats i've been complaining about.

seven ways to win my heart:
- be spontaneous.
- see the best in me when i dont.
- be there when i least expect you to.
- understand me and my commitments.
- say whatever i cook is nice.
- lend me a shoulder, life to me seems hard.
- hold my hand because you want to.

seven things that cross your mind alot:
- nonexistent moolah.
- whether i look decent.
- food cravings.
- sleep.
- my age.
- how to get through the rest of the day.
- how to get from one place to another without perspiring.

four things you do before you fall asleep:
- contemplate if eating something would be worth the calories.
- work out plans for next day.
- decide what time to wake up and set alarm clock.
- decide which pillow to hug to sleep.

four things you see right now:
- a tealight candle.
- my camera charger.
- a reading printed wrongly.
- 8 days magazine.

three songs you listen to often:
- city by sara bareilles.
- fly away by corrine may.
- change the world by eric clapton.

two things you want to do before you die:
- live with someone i love.
- be proud of the career i have made for myself.

one confession:
- i cover up what i cant do and i bottle it up.

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there's too many things i havent done yet,
too many sunsets, i havent seen.
you can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down.

+++


probably not the most 'age-old' question you'd find.
but i ask myself time and time again what my priorities should do.
and where my time should go.

friends, family, work or even myself.
and yesterday is proof that time spent on my own (or somewhat) is really bad.
especially when my wallet isnt too empty bah.
boom and suddenly hundred and fifty bucks is gone.

where has those long hours of work spent scooping gone?
on a pullover (which i am lurving) thats on 50% sale.
still substantial and now thinking back, it stings.
ouch!

decisions decisions,
all with the potential to miss out something.
or just go with the flow?


you've been missed.

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woke up dreaming of preparing a choc fudge brownie vermonster
and preparing to eat it.
urghs, vomits.

got down to finally clearing my room.
my bed officially has space for two!
(not that i need/have someone to share the sheets)
but it feels kinda liberating to finally have space on my bed,
without it being cluttered by books, items of clothing or random pieces of styrofoam.

time to work out what to do during this fall break.
mustmust compile list to force myself to be more productive!

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its funny how addictive this runaway life can be.
i saw minuscules of light that seemed to remind me of you,
but seeing what i saw kept flashing in front of me.
unfortunately, it seems like i cant treat you like something more.
cos you're just not looking for the same thing.

lunch was good,
followed by work at night that really got my blood going.
somehow time seems to go so much faster,
and not being able to think really clearly.
but then again looking back, what do i really need to think clearly about?

good music fuels time and booty shaking behind the dipcase.
the company really makes me crack up and the laughing was such a relief.
let's just say provided the people stay, i'm in it for the permanent shifts.

i'm questioning passions.
what do i really want to do,
and am i in this for the long run.
definitely nothing to do with school,
cos i'm done with it for another six weeks.
but with this, i dont want to force myself to do something i dont want.
recognition and first hand knowledge would be nice,
still, do i want to succumb myself to the disposal of someone else?

well,
its really time to start a list for the holidays.
and find someone to accompany to bring jetjet out for a ride.
(:

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new layout,
new step.

contemplation filled my dreams,
i wonder if i'm rested.
ultimately, i'm starting to lose hope,
and that may be a good thing.

and keeping myself busy is always a good thing.

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