i really have to get down to work,
and stop thinking about kittens and all the other things that i would like to arrange my room for.
GAH.

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here i am with a mountain of work to do,
and all i'm doing is looking forlornly at a love songs compilation
and burning them into my playlist.

oh gawd, what am i doing?!

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i'm very tired.
all this that i was working for,
it is almost like getting married with the wrong person with inlaws and my own parents objecting.
actually, that kind of explains it quite aptly.

stop being selfish, mom.
and i'm old enough to choose what i want.
havent i done enough?
what more do you need to see?

seriously,
fuck it.
i might just go ahead with it.
):

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a huge thanks to the people who took the effort to come down,
and so much love for people who worked with me.

can i say this was probably the best part about turning twenty?
thanks to you guys.


aww shucks, i feel so loved.
<3

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it doesnt help if it starts feeling like this early.
i mean, ecstatic doesnt fully explain the high i've been feeling,
but it looks like any other sugar rush,
massive but still short-lived.

i'm guessing you're still not ready,
and i cant fault you.
only myself for elevating it higher than it originally was.

all signs point back to schoolwork
and i feel the pressure starting to mount and deadlines.
it takes a mountain to get this elephant to move.


why cant i just see beyond this pinhole?

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healing isnt straightforward, we heal in stages.
an injury destroys swiftly, but to heal - closing up is what's left gaping,
joining what was broken, scarring over to refuse a second hurt,
- that takes time.

sometimes we are caught unaware,
when people do understand, when they enjoy the panoramic truth
while we quint behind our pinholes.
but yet, pinholes make you see clearly,
sharp in contrast - the brutal truth, the deep truth, the microscopic truth.

the panorama lets you see everything,
as far as the eyes can see -
the great plans, the blue prints, the truth out there;
a truth of balances and prioritizing.


then i ask myself,
do i want to see through the pinhole again?

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something about this craves for something more.
imagination runs wild,
but perhaps off the cliff it might have gone.
hold the reins back, guowei.
and wait.

clearing my room gives me a sense of peace,
but brings schooling days into reality.
in eight hours, the bane of travelling for an hour starts again.
i know i'm excited for the wrong reasons,
and cracking the whip will make it start again.

inside, i'm hoping to rescue and at the same time be rescued.
adoption of a kitten gets one step closer!
*crosses fingers*

sighh,
wont things work out?
maybe i'll wait.

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you know what,
i'm actually excited about school.
maybe cos my life now is seemingly dragging down the dust in the doldrums.

working till this late at night should be banned.
cos guowei tends to talk too much when the night deepens.
sometimes singular materials dont even turn out correct.
under the watchful eyes of the moon huh.

on the other hand,
i'm really excited for freeconeday.
and maybe something more whee.
eggcites.

i hope i get to see everyone at freeconeday! (:
back to packing my room and watching friends.

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a birthday wishlist!
(though it doesnt give anyone much time left)

1. a kitten: japanese bobtail breed or a greywhite/tri shorthair variety. i believe i'm quite ready for some kitten loving!
2. a freitag bag: grey, white or green or all these colors. (:
3. black adidas hoodie: yes i dont have enough hoodies.
4. stayover with anyone
5. talking till daylight somewhere i've never been.
6. starbucks gingerbread latte which they dont make anymore.
7. date that begins with icecream and ends with icecream.
8. season five of grey's: cos i've got the rest.
9. please keep my GPA skyhigh this sem.
10. for you to say yes!

actually,
that doesnt say anything much that i want.
meoow, i was looking at kitten for adoption/sale ads and i cant help going aww
and preparing my house for a kitten!

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sometimes i'm really surprised how i can be
two of the most extreme people.
the judgemental and the easily fallible.

argh i am really dreading school to start.
moreover, i dont want to see my new project,
just gets the nerves going.
and there's hundreds of people who cant wait for then,
cos most of their uni exams would be over and the partying would begin.
and where would that leave me??
):

and cleaning my room out for the new school year makes me apprehensive,
for i would have to rediscover and finally set myself down on what i intend to finish or do.
its either that or lunch with zhengkai,
wow, it definitely has its perks huh.
speaking of that, its april and i havent made my new year resolutions yet gosh.
and even if i make a birthday wishlist,
would i even possibly or remotely get half of what i may want haha.

roars, am craving for giant sandwiches or dimsum now.
but there still isnt anyone to send one or the other to me.
squats.


now i wonder,
how much more do i need to deserve you.
to laugh and sing and listen to you.

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HAPPY TWENTIETH SAFFS! :D
you make me feel so old knowing my birthday's a few days after yours argh.
but still, it makes us a year older.
to many more years of friendship!
((:
and thanks bel,
this made me smile just as things were starting to turn bad.
(:

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looking back,
i may have been too dramatic.
cos it was probably never meant to be.

but come to think of it,
i was only indignant cos well
you didnt reciprocate.
or more so, you left something hanging.
i mean, i didnt even get the chance to see things from your point of view.

i must be kidding myself,
seriously.


an amazing day,
with yummy food, great music and busy orders.
i practically had a smile affixed on my face the entire day.
if only musicals happened every day,
and i'll be broke tskk.

thanks bel for the tickets,
you made me smile today woooo.
yes no ho hi, oh my eye!

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easter,
a time of new beginnings that heralds in spring.
green grasses and purple crocuses,
robins and baby chicks.

its getting hard to look beyond into the future,
that has dark clouds looming forward.
but as time races,
i am forced to keep one step in front of the other.

looks like i'm not the only one.
and you? a sorry and well once beautiful grizabella.
meow, i'll see you up there jellicle cat.

happy easter.

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by some miracle i'm still not sleepy,
when actually i am.

when you say that,
how often i'm praying its sniping at me.
maybe at least i know i matter enough to be of concern.

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and the bright light turns to night.
seriously, get out of my life,
cos i cant keep this going anymore, really.

):

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i just came from reading someone's blog.
looks like overachieving is back in town.
if i'm sniping at what he's doing,
then why do i feel so inadequate right now?

i hadnt realised that by getting a diploma,
it kind of means the end of my future in pursuing a degree in an overseas university.
or rather the difficulty of getting is pretty much astronomical.
so its back to the local universities, and that's assuming that i even make it.
i shouldnt be worrying about the long tiresome journey but making it into the university in the first place.
inadequate is an understatement.

i mean in comparison,
the worries that i face seem like the faces of the ants under the feet of those people.
the frivolous indulgences that i engage in from birks, soup spoon and the carrie underwood youtube videos that i'm watching.
heck, i'm even loading videos private practice episodes to watch before i head to bed.
just what is wrong with me?

and i'm serious with the sudden carrie underwood obsession,
i cant help it if she puts down what i feel (about you) in lyrics right?
):

school hasnt even started and i'm fearing the first hour.
how's that for a brand new fantastic year huh.
listening to talk about the condominium project that lasts the whole year
is definitely scaring me a little.
i still remember how i started to lose steam midway of final project last sem.
it was disgustingly horrid to get feelings like that.
the phobia is coming back.

its not like
my grades at school are fantastic, romantic liaisons seemingly nonexistent, that i keep trepidations of work at bay and my limited power to please everyone at the same time, coupled with my constant inability with finances.


its not working out.
and despite what they say,
i wish that i'd be whisked off into comfort by you.
yup even in the doldrums, i cling on to darkness.
its not even a beautiful mess,
i'd like a day to say that the weight was so worth it.
):

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HAPPY EIGHTEEN TINGERS! ((:

HAPPY TWENTIETH XIANY! ((:

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i'm starting to dread the beginning of school,
seeing as my days pass by so fast with work and birthdays.
it scares me to know how fast we age,
and suddenly we're one year older.

some of us embrace the little financial independence we get,
some of us use the car as a vehicle to be more of an adult on the road,
and some of us take one step further with whom we love.
and some of us still get left behind, nervous and breaking into pieces,
a little reminder that we're not that old after all.
funny how all of these can be summarised into one concept.
not that it solves it at all.

i see it in a different way.
but for now, i'd suffice with being young.


+++

lately you make me feel all i am is a back-up plan
i say i'm done and then you smile at me and i forget
everything i said.

i buy into those eyes
and into your lies.

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what hurts the most
was being so close
and having so much to say
and watching you walk away
and never knowing
what could have been
and not seeing that loving you
is what I was tryin’ to do.

+++


i'm starting to love working again.
even with one hour plus of sleep,
somehow i wont or didnt mind.
sighh? i need to get some things back in order.

zomg, this is a little scary.

Name: guowei
Date: 4/5/2009
Colorgenics Number: 02473165

---

You feel that everything is going against you and you are worn out and exhausted by all the conflict and quarrelling. You are trying to protect yourself but at the same time you are hiding your feelings, hoping that by so doing, you can avoid exposing yourself to attack. Hopefully this will give you the chance to get on with your life. Nevertheless, you should be very careful to try to avoid stirring up any opposition which might endanger your plans.

The way things are at this time is causing you considerable stress and anxiety. Your friends and acquaintances consider you to be - to say the least - difficult and unapproachable. Now it is because of this that you need to find some sort of solution. By doing nothing and waiting for matters to right themselves will only make things worse, but don't rush into making hasty decisions - make haste slowly.

Everyone, sooner or later gets that feeling that one has been cut off from reality, cut off from everything that's going on around them. It usually happens when there is a complete lack of understanding and co-operation - be it from friends, family or loved ones. So what can one do about it? Instead of pondering as to what the future may hold, do something different. Make a cup of coffee. Have a shower. Read a book. Watch your favourite soap opera. Because as soon as you become involved in something different, the original disassociated feelings will dissipate.

For whatever the reason, you find it extremely difficult to sustain relationships - that is to sustain them in the manner that you would wish. You are a very gentle sort of person, full of feeling, sensitivity and susceptible to love and affection, looking and longing for a partner with whom you can enjoy 'All things bright and beautiful' - someone with whom you can seek out the more esoteric things of life. But up to now this person has only existed in your imagination. You are very choosy, appreciative, refined and extremely artistic in temperament and it is your hope to seek others who will allow you to form and express your own taste and judgement and who at the same time may assist you in your intellectual or artistic growth.

In the past your trusting attitude has often been misunderstood and so you have needed to protect yourself against your tendency to be abused and taken advantage of. As a consequence you possibly adopt an aloof and critical attitude and you are only willing to let your guard down once sincerity and trustworthiness can be assured.

colourgenics test: www.goldinuniverse.com

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i just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
i just want to feel something today
i just want to know today, know today, know today
know that maybe i will be ok

+++



sometimes you realise that it has always been in your face,
its just that you choose to not see it.
taking out frustrations of this to another,
maybe on another day i would have been milder.
like a creamy goat's cheese.

but i was an extra sharp monterey jack,
little nibble, large flavour.
just maybe, i thought that you wanted to see me this way.

honestly, i talk and talk,
but no one seems to understand the magnitude of it in my face.
so? i'm confused, livid, nonchalant, bummed.
all at the same time.

you know what,
i've a feeling that it'll be a blur till the crunch time of school starts.
and then, the line will finally be visible to me.

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say you love me every waking moment,
turn my head with talk of summertime.
say you need me with you now and always,
promise me all you say is true -
that's all i ask for you.

+++

its weird how you can dream of
choreographing an entire musical in the matter of 45 mins.
i'm serious haha.

the last thing i remember was checking my phone at eight in the morning,
then a full-fledged musical and me running up stairs talking to a bunch of fourteen fifteen year olds.
then waking up and checking my phone to realise that its only eight forty five.
shrugs, and i had 'all i ask of you' ringing in my head while i trudged groggily around the house.

socially retarded situations,
thats when you start working too much haha.
you start conversing with people in a too-professional kind of way.
i almost had the fear that something like that might have happened yesterday,
but lo and behold, a little music and jason mraz definitely kept the evening lively.
i'm glad i chose this over anything else,
cos i'd rather be with the people who crack me up than being under-appreciated.

and suddenly i'm immune,
it still stings a little but definitely lesser.
the ball's in your court and unless you serve it back
i'm just gonna walk away from this game.
you win.

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its getting a little easier,
not to think that much.
cos suddenly perfection seems miles away.

mustmustmust wake up early to pack room,
prepare healthy lunch and do erm something about my life.
or praying that cleaning up my impossible room would make things a little clearer.
ohgawd, craving for food at this time?
you must be kidding me pfft.

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shushu senior!
i'm going to miss you,
walnut too.
tho walnut was born only a week ago but he misses you already!
i never thought that i would say goodbye to someone again.
i always thought that you'd be there for like the longest time
and in a flash, i said bye to you for the last time.

how fast time flies, how quickly this world turns.
sighh, you wouldnt believe how much we'll miss you! ):



on a happier note,
my birthday would be celebrated with free cones! (:

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