i want to play-doh waveforms in the hideaway,
want to get on with getting on with things.
i want to run in fields, paint the kitchen and love someone
and i can't do any of that here, can i?
- imogen heap

+++

i have to be honest,
amidst constant face-stalking on fb i found this picture of yellow and white balloons.
pretty aint it?
bright, pretty and reminds me of eggs haha.

home on a saturday night,
given that i had a steamboat to go to, and clubbing after,
circumstances have left me at home with sleep to catch up to.
i know its probably good for me, but something about me not being busy
makes me feel a little empty, physically empty.
somewhat different, almost to the point of uselessness.

maybe thats why i'm opting for this,
to make some kind of worth out of me.
but thinking again, its really quite a nice place.
and surrounding myself with items that keep calling out to me cant be very bad.
this is coming from my first visit haha.
well, we'll see how it goes next week,
for all i know it might not even work out.
just this nagging feeling that it might not.

as much as i want to be excited,
i just feel that i cant, not now.
but its a choice i have made, with its sacrifices.
with past experiences, i know that personal sacrifices are often not enough.
and mistakes have left me fully conscious thank you.
well, i guess we'll have to see how it goes.
no point going semi-paranoid when it has hardly started.
gah!

shaun said that i'm a masochist.
okay not in the sexual definition but in the other definition.
am i tiring myself out?
to me, not yet because i have seen people do worse,
what's more, on a regular basis.
i tell myself i have goals to look forward to,
and thats why i'm pushing myself now.
i havent seen the true calamity yet because all three areas have yet to converge,
so i definitely dont see the burn.

i was heading home in the cab after work last night,
and being the last one, i propped my hoodie up and closed my eyes.
obviously i promptly fell asleep and when i woke as the cab turned into bishan,
i feel so fatigued i barely had enough strength to change my position.
surprisingly, fifteen minutes later, i was fine after bathing.
maybe i am a masochist, because i crave times that i'm so busy running around everywhere.
the only time i have nothing to do is while travelling from one place to another.
but why not? life is too short to be spent nua-ing and watching the world go by sometimes.
even if there is a time for it, youth is quickly diminishing.
and now that term is ending,
even better.

i dont want to think of school,
all i am asking if probably an opportunity and a chance to move forward.
once tuesday is over, i will heave a sigh of relief.
what have i become? ):

i cant wait to start preparing for my birthday.
okay for honesty's sake, i have have started planning with emailing and all.
venue has been booked and queries about cake have been answered.
but actually ordering and paying (damned nonexistent finances) would only lead to fulfil my excitement!
damned, i wish i could plan other people's 21st instead haha.
it scares me that its slightly under two months, but i'm really excited too haha.
i'm weird, ruff.

tangyuan tomorrow,
spelling the end of the lunar new year.
then next week comes rolling along:

monday: breakfast with jasmine, opening at dempsey with tabby, closing at usq with kityee.
tuesday: portfolio collection (no interview please), mega rush to cab home with stuff and to work, work
wednesday: bbq with classmates, closing at dempsey.
thursday: closing at dempsey.
friday: nothing so please ask me out thx!
saturday: nomnom-ing outing for dimsum, closing at dempsey.

it doesnt help that it feels empty,
but yet craving and wanting wont help.
my only comfort is that i might not be ready.
now that may be a good or a bad thing, disgustingly.

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