this is the book I never read
these are the words I never said
this is the path I'll never tread
these are the dreams I'll dream instead
- annie lennox

+++

so the week ends,
and in thirty minutes the week will start again.

okay reading through twitter feed reminds me that its a four day week.
as much as i want to celebrate,
i just know that there's gonna be work piling up.
but at least i will start the week well with an outing and submission.
its time to be positive as the next hurdle comes along.
let's do this right shall we?

monday: submission, out with tabby, dinner
tuesday: school
wednesday: school
thursday: school, movie with tabby, samyilin
friday: lunch, tone concert
saturday: trixy's twentyfirst.

comment? / top

it has been awhile,
and i kind of dont have any pent-up emotions as of now.
so i'll start off with this:

+++

1. when do you feel happiest?
when i wake up in the morning knowing that i have no deadlines on my back, or i dont have anything pending. seriously i cant remember when was the last time this happened because when i wake up, i spend about five minutes unconsciously going through the things i have to do. so yeah i really cant remember when was the last time i felt that way. with school for the next five months, i'm not sure when that is gonna happen :X

2. how do you take care of yourself?
i'm quite terrble at this, because sometimes honestly it comes to a point that i enjoy being masochistic to myself. as much as i want to discuss my fetishes, i actually enjoy pushing myself. i still remember a little over 1.5 months ago when i had a major submission, i literally spent the day from 7 in front of the computer doing my work and i didnt eat anything except to gulp down copious amount sugarless tea. and i was so delirious from the lack of sleep and sugar, my knees almost gave way from walking to the toilet. still, i insisted on not eating with the excuse that i would waste time. but yeah back to taking care of myself, one thing i would never forgo is sleep because it's when i let myself relax. unless i am really up to my neck with work, sleep will always > schoolwork. i make sure i get at least 6-7 hours of sleep every night.

3. are you internally (by yourself) or externally (by others) motivated?
i believe that i am internally motivated but more often than not, i fail myself. so only when people stress me and push me, do i really get things done. sometimes i'm really too easy on myself.

4. what do you do for fun?
okay if you mean a daily thing, i actually spend most of my free time catching up with tv shows, american ones at that. i dont know, maybe its the scriptwriting that gets me. sometimes you watch a show and you get enlightenment. i'm strange, sometimes it takes a fictional character on tv to tell me things :X i would love to draw and take photos, but its so much easier to nuah at home.

5. what intimidates you?
right now? the future or rather the lack-thereof.

6. what is something you’re proud of?
i dont like complimenting myself because i think its strange. but i guess building myself up to be a person who isnt scared of speaking. i used to be very timid but it came to a point that no one is getting the point across so i stood up and worked my way to speak out.

7. finish this sentence. I never _____________
sleep alone. i need my big stuffed lamb! :D

8. favorite vacation spot.
from my childhood memories, upstate in Whistler, Canada. i was never there to ski but there's something about sitting on the freezing porch in my pajamas and my jacket at 4am (due to jetlag) and watch the snowing landscape come to life.

9. today is a (rate from 1 – 10).
its only 1044am as of now so its hard to judge. but because i'm 98% done with my schoolwork and have a party to go to tonight, its a 7.5!

10. finish this sentence. If you knew me really well you’d know _____________
everything i've said in this entry and wouldnt find anything new.

+++

so i'm done with work,
and it has been a crazy two weeks.
i mean seriously school has started for only two weeks
and it really feels like hell.

have another major submission two weeks from now
with the time period dotted with intermittent projects.
i almost wish that it was february already but i know that there's still a long way to go.
so i'm not planning to do that last bit of the technical bit of submission today,
that will wait to sunday.

so i'm gonna nuah the rest of the day away and maybe stuff my mouth as usual.
watch my shows and pray that i dont get stuck to my chair.
huiting's 21st later tonight, and i hope it'll be smooth?
cos i havent seen alot of people in a long time,
and i hope awkwardness doesnt take over.
i've had enough of people asking when i'm gonna enlist,
and them telling me to work for my napfa and blahblah.
YES I GEDDIT, get off my back.

a mad week next week,
but maybe i'll get a breath or a break.
yeah who am i kidding?

comment? / top

suddenly my world's gone and changed its face
but I still know where I'm going (where I'm going)
I have had my mind spun around in space
and yet I've watched it growing,
- stephanie mills

+++

i'm glad i got to school on friday,
and met up with the schoolmates to visit the light exhibition along marina bay last night.
tired as i was, i kind of am glad that i gave myself a breather when i had the option to head home to sleep.
i guess it was the excuse to head out, and just not to think of school work.
and i guess i really needed someone to talk to.
i cant even remember when was the last time i really sat down or had one to one conversations.

sometimes you get so busy, or more so, caught up with your life,
that you just push all these things away.
you store, you muffle these sounds and poof, you're on to the next thing.
maybe that was what happened, and i never realised it.

talks about the future,
and then thinking about how the next few months is really all or nothing.
then maybe my life will really start and passion might finally be something i talk about.
even going through exhibitions last night made me think, could this be what i want to do?
thoughts thoughts thoughts, how they can take over me.

it almost scares me how i can almost enjoy the lack of social life,
because i feel that i am doing something productive.
so keeping things to the bare minimum and scraping to get my days past.
oh wish me luck, i need it really.

monday: school, ads test.
tuesday: school.
wednesday: school.
thursday: school.
friday: school, potluck at piong's house.
saturday: huiting's 21st
sunday: schoolwork
monday: dc submission, coffee with tabby.

comment? / top

images of broken light which
dance before me like a million eyes,
that call me on and on across the universe.
- the beatles

+++

six weeks of holiday,
and now i'm here at the last stretch.
the last stretch before i finally graduate from this that has been my life for the past 2.5 years.

really, i'm not entirely sure if i grasp the whole story.
but i'm just submerging myself with school work that isnt drawing any further.
its kind of cliche to say this but on the first day back,
i already had my next five weeks planned out for me.
two major submissions and intermediate nonsense.
i kinda masochistically enjoy that the schedule is planned out,
so we dont get any surprises and last minute two week submissions.

so obviously school is back in full force,
i appreciate the immediate work but i'm losing what little drive i have.
the only thing that is keeping me on my game is the fear.
the very fear of lagging behind so far behind that i can no longer catch up to do the bare minimum.
its scaring me that i might not have anywhere to go at the end of the day.
so all i can do now is try to seize the day and try to get work done.

i guess the end is really coming.
for both joyous and nervous tingles.
it comes to stage when im babbling and have no idea what i'm doing.
okay bye.

comment? / top

loving someone
means taking the risk that they might fuck up your nicely ordered life.

having the person love you back
means you're one step closer to contentment.

comment? / top

of all the things I still remember
summer's never looked the same
the years go by and time just seems to fly
- daughtry

+++


time seems to fly really.
and i'm back on a sunday and in this space.

you dont realize till its all over,
f1 weekend, a five day shift week and Mrs Lee's passing, RIP.
and suddenly you wake up and there is no longer daylight passing through the windows,
its only then you realize that a new week is starting.

i think you dont have to be crazy to understand me, but it really helps.
sometimes i think i'm living in a world of my own seriously,
because i dont see time by the future but by a day-to-day basis.
and thats very dangerous.
the only reason why recently i see my life in weeks is only because my scheduling of work,
and thats about all.

lunch today with the family.
so with the cousin-in-laws, awkward conversation commenced.
so yeah, i know my future isnt secured.
results are gonna be out in about 12 hours time?
i know i didnt fail anything but will this sem's results pull my disgusting GPA up?
everyone keeps talking about universities and it scares me really.
because the application process will finally make me realize how disgusting my results are,
and i might end up not even going anywhere.
that freaks me out, such that i tossed and turned in bed till about five thirty this morning.
(the timing was a wild guess but it felt almost so cos i switched my bedside lamp off at around three)

naturally the cheerleader in me would love to get into a local university,
be it my first choice in course or my next in line.
seeing photos of friends living and breathing a more adult life with books almost makes me choke on jealousy,
probably to the obsessive point that i cut out their faces and put mine in.
okay NOT, but bordering on delusional.

but yeah, maybe i am not loving this tecnical aspect or what i'm doing.
so doing something i love like research studies actually seduces me like no other.
i know that it might not be exactly what it cuts out to be, but still?!
my parents have been breathing down my back to work out my NS administration,
of which i have kind of completed what i can,
which includes pushing back my napfa test to December with is a sigh of relief.

i guess i really have to sit down one day next week to think,
to work out my options and what i can or cannot do.
the odds are for that there are alot more things i cant do.
plus grades that determine my GPA are coming out tomorrow so congratulations to me.
tempted to sleep on it, but chances of me sleeping early tomorrow isnt gonna happen.

i wonder if i can go vegetarian the whole week next week.
plus i'm gonna start my exercise regime, with the hitting the runs and the pool.
i really have to start shaping for my napfa test now that i manage to push it back.
and i'm clearing my schedule from work, so that shouldnt give me any excuses.
i need to get back the rush i used to get from exercising, which hasnt happened in a long time.

let's see what this week brings.
and you, wont have any say.

monday: lunch, movie with tingers, closing @ dempsey.
tuesday: closing @ dempsey
wednesday: dinner or bbq with classmates
thursday: -
friday: clubbing? we'll see.
saturday: closing @ dempsey

comment? / top

will you turn me away or touch me deep inside?
and before this gets old, will it still feel the same?
- pat benatar

+++

watched '13 going on 30 last night,
i didnt mean to watch the show because i cant remember the number of times,
and i kinda thought that i was bored with it.

but none of my shows seemed to load so i ate in front of jennifer garner,
and she amused me and made me fall in love all over again.
there's something about such old-school love that brings me back.
the photography, the random dancing and the wind in the hair,
always seems to get me.

it brought me back to when i was seventeen,
when i first fell so deeply, it took me so much to pull me back up.
i've not felt this feeling today since like what, four years ago?!
and it seemed like it was just yesterday.

the spontaneous shock of seeing you,
i cant believe the last time i blushed so furiously seriously.
oh gawd, i'm in such a mess.

to think that last night, i wanted to just heck it,
and give this up.
today turned it all around.

but really, i think i'm being self-indulgent.
to you, i may be this crazy maniacal fool.
i probably am and i never wanted to be this way.
i hate myself like this, a needy mess like a melting icecream cone.
i dont like sitting on the train thinking to myself, of the 'woulda coulda shoulda'.
because all of it will probably will never come true, because you were a castle on a cloud.

okay i have to stop it,
and stop moping and thinking that its real.
yes, you made my day but bumping into you but thats all.
no one likes kissing a fool.

expect nothing, live frugally on surprise.

comment? / top