Crying thru the rain.. Paintin' on a smile..

2010-10-31T23:10:00.003+08:00

this is the book I never read
these are the words I never said
this is the path I'll never tread
these are the dreams I'll dream instead
- annie lennox

+++

so the week ends,
and in thirty minutes the week will start again.

okay reading through twitter feed reminds me that its a four day week.
as much as i want to celebrate,
i just know that there's gonna be work piling up.
but at least i will start the week well with an outing and submission.
its time to be positive as the next hurdle comes along.
let's do this right shall we?

monday: submission, out with tabby, dinner
tuesday: school
wednesday: school
thursday: school, movie with tabby, samyilin
friday: lunch, tone concert
saturday: trixy's twentyfirst.

2010-10-30T10:14:00.003+08:00

it has been awhile,
and i kind of dont have any pent-up emotions as of now.
so i'll start off with this:

+++

1. when do you feel happiest?
when i wake up in the morning knowing that i have no deadlines on my back, or i dont have anything pending. seriously i cant remember when was the last time this happened because when i wake up, i spend about five minutes unconsciously going through the things i have to do. so yeah i really cant remember when was the last time i felt that way. with school for the next five months, i'm not sure when that is gonna happen :X

2. how do you take care of yourself?
i'm quite terrble at this, because sometimes honestly it comes to a point that i enjoy being masochistic to myself. as much as i want to discuss my fetishes, i actually enjoy pushing myself. i still remember a little over 1.5 months ago when i had a major submission, i literally spent the day from 7 in front of the computer doing my work and i didnt eat anything except to gulp down copious amount sugarless tea. and i was so delirious from the lack of sleep and sugar, my knees almost gave way from walking to the toilet. still, i insisted on not eating with the excuse that i would waste time. but yeah back to taking care of myself, one thing i would never forgo is sleep because it's when i let myself relax. unless i am really up to my neck with work, sleep will always > schoolwork. i make sure i get at least 6-7 hours of sleep every night.

3. are you internally (by yourself) or externally (by others) motivated?
i believe that i am internally motivated but more often than not, i fail myself. so only when people stress me and push me, do i really get things done. sometimes i'm really too easy on myself.

4. what do you do for fun?
okay if you mean a daily thing, i actually spend most of my free time catching up with tv shows, american ones at that. i dont know, maybe its the scriptwriting that gets me. sometimes you watch a show and you get enlightenment. i'm strange, sometimes it takes a fictional character on tv to tell me things :X i would love to draw and take photos, but its so much easier to nuah at home.

5. what intimidates you?
right now? the future or rather the lack-thereof.

6. what is something you’re proud of?
i dont like complimenting myself because i think its strange. but i guess building myself up to be a person who isnt scared of speaking. i used to be very timid but it came to a point that no one is getting the point across so i stood up and worked my way to speak out.

7. finish this sentence. I never _____________
sleep alone. i need my big stuffed lamb! :D

8. favorite vacation spot.
from my childhood memories, upstate in Whistler, Canada. i was never there to ski but there's something about sitting on the freezing porch in my pajamas and my jacket at 4am (due to jetlag) and watch the snowing landscape come to life.

9. today is a (rate from 1 – 10).
its only 1044am as of now so its hard to judge. but because i'm 98% done with my schoolwork and have a party to go to tonight, its a 7.5!

10. finish this sentence. If you knew me really well you’d know _____________
everything i've said in this entry and wouldnt find anything new.

+++

so i'm done with work,
and it has been a crazy two weeks.
i mean seriously school has started for only two weeks
and it really feels like hell.

have another major submission two weeks from now
with the time period dotted with intermittent projects.
i almost wish that it was february already but i know that there's still a long way to go.
so i'm not planning to do that last bit of the technical bit of submission today,
that will wait to sunday.

so i'm gonna nuah the rest of the day away and maybe stuff my mouth as usual.
watch my shows and pray that i dont get stuck to my chair.
huiting's 21st later tonight, and i hope it'll be smooth?
cos i havent seen alot of people in a long time,
and i hope awkwardness doesnt take over.
i've had enough of people asking when i'm gonna enlist,
and them telling me to work for my napfa and blahblah.
YES I GEDDIT, get off my back.

a mad week next week,
but maybe i'll get a breath or a break.
yeah who am i kidding?

2010-10-23T19:55:00.002+08:00

suddenly my world's gone and changed its face
but I still know where I'm going (where I'm going)
I have had my mind spun around in space
and yet I've watched it growing,
- stephanie mills

+++

i'm glad i got to school on friday,
and met up with the schoolmates to visit the light exhibition along marina bay last night.
tired as i was, i kind of am glad that i gave myself a breather when i had the option to head home to sleep.
i guess it was the excuse to head out, and just not to think of school work.
and i guess i really needed someone to talk to.
i cant even remember when was the last time i really sat down or had one to one conversations.

sometimes you get so busy, or more so, caught up with your life,
that you just push all these things away.
you store, you muffle these sounds and poof, you're on to the next thing.
maybe that was what happened, and i never realised it.

talks about the future,
and then thinking about how the next few months is really all or nothing.
then maybe my life will really start and passion might finally be something i talk about.
even going through exhibitions last night made me think, could this be what i want to do?
thoughts thoughts thoughts, how they can take over me.

it almost scares me how i can almost enjoy the lack of social life,
because i feel that i am doing something productive.
so keeping things to the bare minimum and scraping to get my days past.
oh wish me luck, i need it really.

monday: school, ads test.
tuesday: school.
wednesday: school.
thursday: school.
friday: school, potluck at piong's house.
saturday: huiting's 21st
sunday: schoolwork
monday: dc submission, coffee with tabby.

2010-10-21T21:19:00.002+08:00

images of broken light which
dance before me like a million eyes,
that call me on and on across the universe.
- the beatles

+++

six weeks of holiday,
and now i'm here at the last stretch.
the last stretch before i finally graduate from this that has been my life for the past 2.5 years.

really, i'm not entirely sure if i grasp the whole story.
but i'm just submerging myself with school work that isnt drawing any further.
its kind of cliche to say this but on the first day back,
i already had my next five weeks planned out for me.
two major submissions and intermediate nonsense.
i kinda masochistically enjoy that the schedule is planned out,
so we dont get any surprises and last minute two week submissions.

so obviously school is back in full force,
i appreciate the immediate work but i'm losing what little drive i have.
the only thing that is keeping me on my game is the fear.
the very fear of lagging behind so far behind that i can no longer catch up to do the bare minimum.
its scaring me that i might not have anywhere to go at the end of the day.
so all i can do now is try to seize the day and try to get work done.

i guess the end is really coming.
for both joyous and nervous tingles.
it comes to stage when im babbling and have no idea what i'm doing.
okay bye.

2010-10-09T13:46:00.002+08:00

loving someone
means taking the risk that they might fuck up your nicely ordered life.

having the person love you back
means you're one step closer to contentment.

2010-10-03T20:16:00.002+08:00

of all the things I still remember
summer's never looked the same
the years go by and time just seems to fly
- daughtry

+++

time seems to fly really.
and i'm back on a sunday and in this space.

you dont realize till its all over,
f1 weekend, a five day shift week and Mrs Lee's passing, RIP.
and suddenly you wake up and there is no longer daylight passing through the windows,
its only then you realize that a new week is starting.

i think you dont have to be crazy to understand me, but it really helps.
sometimes i think i'm living in a world of my own seriously,
because i dont see time by the future but by a day-to-day basis.
and thats very dangerous.
the only reason why recently i see my life in weeks is only because my scheduling of work,
and thats about all.

lunch today with the family.
so with the cousin-in-laws, awkward conversation commenced.
so yeah, i know my future isnt secured.
results are gonna be out in about 12 hours time?
i know i didnt fail anything but will this sem's results pull my disgusting GPA up?
everyone keeps talking about universities and it scares me really.
because the application process will finally make me realize how disgusting my results are,
and i might end up not even going anywhere.
that freaks me out, such that i tossed and turned in bed till about five thirty this morning.
(the timing was a wild guess but it felt almost so cos i switched my bedside lamp off at around three)

naturally the cheerleader in me would love to get into a local university,
be it my first choice in course or my next in line.
seeing photos of friends living and breathing a more adult life with books almost makes me choke on jealousy,
probably to the obsessive point that i cut out their faces and put mine in.
okay NOT, but bordering on delusional.

but yeah, maybe i am not loving this tecnical aspect or what i'm doing.
so doing something i love like research studies actually seduces me like no other.
i know that it might not be exactly what it cuts out to be, but still?!
my parents have been breathing down my back to work out my NS administration,
of which i have kind of completed what i can,
which includes pushing back my napfa test to December with is a sigh of relief.

i guess i really have to sit down one day next week to think,
to work out my options and what i can or cannot do.
the odds are for that there are alot more things i cant do.
plus grades that determine my GPA are coming out tomorrow so congratulations to me.
tempted to sleep on it, but chances of me sleeping early tomorrow isnt gonna happen.

i wonder if i can go vegetarian the whole week next week.
plus i'm gonna start my exercise regime, with the hitting the runs and the pool.
i really have to start shaping for my napfa test now that i manage to push it back.
and i'm clearing my schedule from work, so that shouldnt give me any excuses.
i need to get back the rush i used to get from exercising, which hasnt happened in a long time.

let's see what this week brings.
and you, wont have any say.

monday: lunch, movie with tingers, closing @ dempsey.
tuesday: closing @ dempsey
wednesday: dinner or bbq with classmates
thursday: -
friday: clubbing? we'll see.
saturday: closing @ dempsey

2010-09-22T23:47:00.002+08:00

will you turn me away or touch me deep inside?
and before this gets old, will it still feel the same?
- pat benatar

+++

watched '13 going on 30 last night,
i didnt mean to watch the show because i cant remember the number of times,
and i kinda thought that i was bored with it.

but none of my shows seemed to load so i ate in front of jennifer garner,
and she amused me and made me fall in love all over again.
there's something about such old-school love that brings me back.
the photography, the random dancing and the wind in the hair,
always seems to get me.

it brought me back to when i was seventeen,
when i first fell so deeply, it took me so much to pull me back up.
i've not felt this feeling today since like what, four years ago?!
and it seemed like it was just yesterday.

the spontaneous shock of seeing you,
i cant believe the last time i blushed so furiously seriously.
oh gawd, i'm in such a mess.

to think that last night, i wanted to just heck it,
and give this up.
today turned it all around.

but really, i think i'm being self-indulgent.
to you, i may be this crazy maniacal fool.
i probably am and i never wanted to be this way.
i hate myself like this, a needy mess like a melting icecream cone.
i dont like sitting on the train thinking to myself, of the 'woulda coulda shoulda'.
because all of it will probably will never come true, because you were a castle on a cloud.

okay i have to stop it,
and stop moping and thinking that its real.
yes, you made my day but bumping into you but thats all.
no one likes kissing a fool.

expect nothing, live frugally on surprise.

2010-09-12T17:59:00.002+08:00

its now 1835h and i sat in frony of my laptop staring blankly.
as the week comes to a close, i try to collect my thoughts and what i've done.

dont get me wrong, compared to the school life i have almost gotten used to,
this is heaven poured into a drinking glass, easy on the tongue and thirst-quenching.
maybe its because i threw myself into this ongoing cycle too easily.
considering that i had my presentation on tuesday, i've worked every night closing till last.
and to think that i was this close to replacing shiyun for tonight.

i'm perfectly fine,
just that sometimes this masochism reminds me that i'm still alive.

but as the last speckles of light shines from my window,
i'm reminded that the week has really and truly ended,
and the procrastination to plan and pen down my the rest of the week.
naturally, to hopefully work out attempts to stop bumming around at home before scooping duties,
and try to see the faces of those whom i havent, in awhile.

i think i would want to just take a little time off,
though working would come top priority now,
seeing that i still have much to offset in terms of expenditure.
SIGH, munney woes.

and i realized, quite a few people drop by this blog.
though i have seriously no idea who they are haha.
scary, but sometimes nice to know that people give me encourgaement on the sidelines.
(:

monday: reading sessions, tea with chew, sam and tabby.
tuesday: swim, run errands, collect sunblock from bel's mom.
wednesday: lectures in school, closing at dempsey.
thursday: nothing.
friday: closing at dempsey, beach night! pot luck!
saturday: midshift sentosa, closing dempsey.

2010-09-06T22:07:00.003+08:00

back from work.
it was an overall fantastic morning.
i had a little reservation about what might transpire,
but everything turned out for the better, and yeah i had a great time.

it wasnt until i made my way home alone that i started freaking out.
freaking out about tomorrow's presentation which i am not ready for.
this time, i focused on getting it done and not so much the storyline and depth of understanding.
and i know that against the backdrop of classmates who improved by leaps and bounds,
i sorely fail in comparison and i just cant stand.

i dont really know what to do and expect tomorrow.
suddenly i am not ready and at a loss on what to do,
the buffer time and confidence is lacking and i can no longer spin tales out of air.
and convincing is no longer a forte of mine.

for one i'm glad its sooner than later,
at least the stab of reality hits me sooner.
then the sooner i get to really letting myself loose.
i'm worried, for the second time.
and worrying the first time got me into trouble.

for one, i need someone to believe in me and convince me.
that hasnt happened in a long time.
heck, that probably hasnt happened in a long time.
i dont want to go to sleep, though my body tells me so.
because waking up would highlight the fact that its a new day,
and looking over to the other side of the bed, i realise again that i'm alone.

looking at the things i saw, today and saturday.
funny as it is, mocked i attempted and laughed i tried.
these were probably attempts to deceive the fact that its killing me.
killing me that i could very well be one of them, killing me that i'm the one that isnt happy.

i want to stop trying so hard,
i want to start being the sloppy mess that i am,
and to be appreciated for it and smiled at.
i dont know, i just cant think straight now.
might it be presentation tomorrow or just that devout longing,
this lethal combination is killing me from the inside.

i should look at the notes before giving in to sleep.
its all to easy to escape into sleep when my frowns will ease.
but that will leave my mind blank tomorow.
i dont know, i dont know how strong to lift this nonsense anymore.

we'll see what happens tomorrow.
time might slow down, but it has to pass somehow.

tuesday: presentation.
wednesday: closing dempsey.
thursday: closing dempsey (black chunk fest)
friday: closing dempsey.
saturday: closing dempsey.

2010-08-28T15:58:00.003+08:00

i'm currently...

wishing: that my school work will magically do itself and turn out perfect.
disliking: how i find myself insanely inadequate.
reading: Cosette by Laura Kalpakian.
missing: having time with complete no worries.
wanting: someone to step in and flourish my life.
improving: my nonexistent progress for schoolwork.
realizing: that there really isnt much time till submission.
loving: planning events and spending time with people.
considering: a nap.
watching: Project Runway which i'm telling myself is adamant to a break.
regretting: the choice to join.
hoping: next weekend will come soon for Chunk Fest and tie-dye session cos by then i cant worry about submission no more.

2010-08-16T23:05:00.002+08:00

ended up not doing anything today.
sat around, watched half a movie, ate and ate and tried to sleep.
ended with inception and me holding a cup of koi now.
not exactly good for my health hmms.

seems like i've been thrown into this bout of holidays,
and i seem to be dreaming more often,
which sometimes show that i'm getting rest.
such that i have the energy to let my mind wander
and think about flying and all the jazz.

recovered from my bout of rage,
when all i decided was to give up and let the rest of the world deal with it.
but its worrying how scary i am when i'm alone with my thoughts sometimes.

an updated schedule of my week,
looks like its more organized and looking up.
now singtel, give me the call that my iphone is ready please?

tuesday: work
wednesday: work, dinner/david choi
thursday: school
friday: school, out with jasmine, collect moolah, shop
saturday: lunch with family, work?
sunday: picnic

2010-08-15T21:30:00.003+08:00

before i channel my rage into anyone,
this is the next best alternative.

i really hate it when i'm finally free and available,
no one is going to reply me or even bother.
so here i am vomiting paragraphs of what i want a selected few to hear.
may not be you, may be you.

seriously what the hell is wrong with you.
first you come pleading me to accompany you.
i had scheduled work so i couldnt give any promises,
but i almost gave in and canceled my shift just to accompany you.
and this is in reference that you didnt even bother to accompany me.
and your reason was, oh i'm tired and the time it takes is too long.
i said fine, its okay i will go myself and i did and i was alone.
so now here i am with a rescheduled shift and going with you.
and now you wont even bother replying my text regarding the time.
i am THIS close to staying at home and not bothering about you.
SERIOUSLY, then maybe you will consider my existence.
(okay you just replied with news that you want to back out now, thank you and f*ck you)

i know you're sad and all that,
but hellooo i entrusted you to help us do this.
and you're just dillydallying with your supposed sadness and lack of interest.
i dont want to push youm but i hope you dont regret it when it runs out.

stop treating me like shit,
the only reason why i act like i'm cowering is cos i'm tired.
and i find no other reason to piss you off, it no longer proves anything.
but how dare you change my slots without even having me in consideration.
i wanted to say this to you, and maybe one day i will. f*ck you and yours disgusting face and muffin top.
you gross me out really, if i didnt need this, you wouldnt even see me at all.
sometimes when i see you eat, i wish all the fats choke your kidneys.
yes, you are evil but my thoughts can kill.

reply, tell me what is up.
even if you dont care, have the decency to reply me.
i know i no longer see you as often, but hello have the courtesy to say no even you dont accept what i am proposing.
i dont see why i need to make so much effort to contact you.
you are gradually pissing me off when i am just trying.

i know you are busy,
life seems to have finally started.
but cant you even give two hoots?
do you know that 70% of the things that i came across,
all i want to do is to maybe show or buy it for you.
because you mean an essential part of my life, now at least.
here you are, just blowing the rest of me off.
fine, but i expected better of you.

okay i just have to stop thinking about this.
sometimes i really wish i could just take a jet off by myself.
then when i am finally not here, lets see what happens.

monday: school.
tuesday: work.
wednesday: work, david choi/dinner.
thursday: maybe school.
friday: maybe school.
saturday: lunch with family.
sunday: picnic at mysterious location.

i might regret this post now,
for those who figure out is them, may take offense.
but for now, the freedom of speech to express my rage is mine.

what i want, i can't have.
what they have, i don't have.
but yet, its said that everyone's lives are balanced,
with the good they have, the bad they are burdened.
now where exactly is any of my good?
tell me, cos i can't see.

2010-08-14T12:54:00.002+08:00

when i was young, i fell in love
iasked my sweetheart what lies ahead
will we have rainbows, day after day
- doris day

+++

here we are, at the end of the week.
didnt think how i managed to get through it,
but the end couldnt have come soon enough.

i couldnt quite believe i got through shipment,
and being bossed and tossed around without a sound from my indignant lips.
and for four days, day after day at that.
i usually want/need to have the last say,
so if i just give a blank stare and not comment, i must have lost some fire.

it came up to a point when i questioned myself if i was that incompetent.
naturally, there was a period when a 'f*ck you' was quite needed.

but that aside, i shouldnt harp,
because that is quite over and done with.

so i'm here sitting on my mom's bed,
blankly listening to songs and wiping sleep from my eyes.
this habit of rushing from school then to work isnt going to work.
no doubt it left me busy and bushed at the end of the day,
i cant help thinking of why i'm doing what i'm doing as i try to fall asleep at night.
sometimes i lay awake thinking, sometimes i just fall asleep due to fatigue.

seriously, i was watching an episode of something last night on my macbook,
and i woke up two hours later with a cramp in my leg and realizing that i fell asleep halfway through the show.
if i didnt have the cramp, i wouldnt have realized at all!

i try my hardest to scope in my social activities within the next two weeks,
or even more so, the next 1.5 weeks.
because i dont know when i'll be free again when school starts for me.
so with picnic cancelled this sunday, i guess i will have time for myself and the family.
even dinner with my paternal side seems to be cancelled tonight,
so i guess its me and the books.

speaking of books,
i realize that i still have 'precious' by sapphire on my table unread,
so maybe i should start with that.
the movie was really good so we'll see where that goes hmms.
and goodness, i still have not watched inception nor despicable me! ):

2010-08-09T21:58:00.002+08:00

come together everybody
fly the flag and share our story
live our wildest dreams
- corrinne may

+++

weekends are often accented with such happiness.
despite not really heading out too much,
i managed to sleep through the weekend.

ignorance is bliss,
and not knowing what is happening is a bliss on its own.
congratulations to the many couples popping up,
guo wei will try not to bother.

its the holidays,
and i've got the whole week planned out.
not very enjoyable considering some akhbdfshkajld woman placed me on night shifts.
which means i 'should' head to school in the mornings to do schoolwork,
then to work.

i forsee being really tired,
because i'd be bossed around at night and its not funny at all.
gahhh.

tuesday: school, closing
wednesday: school, closing
thursday: closing
friday: closing (picnic as of now)

2010-08-06T08:46:00.003+08:00

my favourite season has always been fall.
and if you check your calendar, it has already been august six days ago.
i know right, when did that every creep up on everyone?

just moments ago, i was proclaiming that 'california gurls' was my summer go-to song.
and now, i think i need to find something to slather on for the rest of the season.
if you think about it, summers are usually quite short.
summers dont usually start till june properly comes along.
then people would start chanting about the cliche beach activity and all that trash.
and then it will be followed by two months cos when august comes,
people start tightening their buttons in appreciation or detest of the coming months till october at least.

so just a quick one of things that remind me of fall.

1. august
just the idea of august arriving on my shores bring me hope that fall is gathering her petticoats. august never reminded me of anything other than fall. i mean really, associating august with summer is almost satanical.

2. holidays
poly holidays always messes me up, because then i always end up taking a (nonexistent) raincheck for outings with people that have a more regular holiday period with the rest of the world. july then becomes a really busy month with ranting and lots of breaking down from the existence of schoolwork.

3. fashion week
i'm not a fashion whore nor do i keep sight of what goes on with the fashion world. but the name itself is scattered in columns and shows everywhere. just two days ago, i remember watching the season premiere of 'project runway' and tim gunn mentioned about the finale being Fall Fashion Week in a new venue. it was then that it suddenly hit me, that fall was actually really coming soon or that being said, it was already here.

4. national day
with national day coming up in three days, i always make a yearly homage to this day. i wont go into the details but part of my groupie (and romantic) self would indulge in national day songs and that brings along 'home' by kit chan. i never really understood why, but maybe its the falling leaves in the music video tells of autumn. all the blues and browns tend to bring fall into mind.

5. and lastly, hoodies
you know fall is upon us when pullovers and hoodies start appearing in your favourite shops.

2010-08-05T22:30:00.002+08:00

i may be disturbed...
but won’t you concede
even heroes have the right to dream.
- five for fighting

+++

sometimes we should stop trying to be perfect
and we should stop trying to be a superhero.
its nice to fall and lay in the corner like a ragdoll,
then maybe you might actually learn to breathe.

submission's over.
as much as i want to muse and go all exaggerated,
this is only part one and there's helluva part to go.
but at least i get a break, and maybe a little time to earn some moolah.
and it starts with blood donation (?!?!), lunch and movie marathon tomorrow
and dinner on saturday.
if we get tickets tomorrow (pray so)
everything is definitely gonna go great!

out of the blue i started talking.
and it suddenly felt better to talk to someone older,
someone who knew how to sayang with the right things to say.
it takes a wealth of experience to know that sometimes the shit you're facing now isnt so bad.
your life doesnt start till you hit much later in life,
its just now that everything seems so much more blown of proportion.

thinking about it,
maybe i just need to talk.
for someone to really 'get' me.
its not that i havent had people to talk to,
but i dont know its kind of hard to put down in prose.
i guess i have to sing about it HAHA.

okay i'm obviously feeling a whole lot better.
(:

2010-08-03T10:37:00.003+08:00

i still believe in summer days.
the seasons always change
and life will find a way.
- ingrid michaelson, sara bareilles

+++

honestly, i really detest summer.
it has been a few years since i've really enjoyed it.
somehow it never makes(made) sense.

love winter, always did.
despite the cold that accompanies with travelling to the states.
one day, armed with a cuppa joe and a camera and my macbook.
we would be so fine.

a terrible week,
and it has only been two days.
who am i kidding, its 1043am on tuesday.
barely even two days and i know the week is bad.

hate submissions,
hate hate hate.
nothing expresses more crude disgust.

i better start opening the files to get a head start.
and this weekend will be fantastic.

thursday: submission.
friday: blood donation and movie and lunch with jasmine.
saturday: dimsum (?) and batch outing.
sunday: family lunch.

2010-07-24T16:24:00.002+08:00

wouldn't it just be rock and roll,
if liking someone meant that they had to like you back?
of course that'd be another universe,
and something else would probably suck.
- olive snook, pushing daisies

+++

one day,
i will match my pajamas with the wall paper in my house.
:D

these past few days had been such a sorry fest.
aching muscles and feeling really sick after the longest time.
i'm reminded how disgusting it feels like to be sick.
feeling sorry for yourself, lying in a bed that felt the same 15 mins ago,
not being able to sleep, waking up feeling even worse.

and i just discovered the best way to cough out phlegm,
but i shant spill for fear anyone pukes on their keyboard.

glad that the worst of it is over,
and now the dad is back from hongkong.
bearing nomnoms and a dash of good hearted-ness.
now, i'm left with phlegm and hot water bottles to ease the muscle aches.
i knew that it was a bad idea to head to the gym gah.

as much as i look forward to adulthood,
(assuming i will get myself somewhere)
i cant imagine life without my parents.
when i'm sick and down, who's gonna fuss and boil herbal teas?
heck, i might just die alone in my house and never be found till 3 weeks later.
well, its just a thought that ran through my mind while i clutched my arms in bed at four in the morning.

so at last this week approaches its end,
and deadlines start to loom.
which could only mean that holidays are coming.
and then, my second last semester would have ended.
with results like this, how i can get anywhere is really boggling.

this holiday spells alot of work for me.
and the only way is up.
tempted as i am, i need to resist mock social gatherings.
so there.

monday: school
tuesday: school
wednesday: school, corrine bailey rae (woots)
thursday: school
friday: ele's bbq!
saturday: schoolwork.

why does my week sound so much busier in my head?

2010-07-10T12:36:00.002+08:00

ever since last night,
i've had the mega-est craving for popcorn.
even after my tutukueh,
it just doesnt stop there, i want moore!

i guess there should be an obligatory post to toy story 3.
well, jasmine zkai and i caught it last night.
probably the last few before it ended its run,
so we ended up in yishun.
good lord, its really in the middle of nowhere.

it was good,
much much better than expected.
with the customary tearjerking moments and best of all,
there were countless moments that had me wide-eyed in disbelief
which was followed by cringing moments of laughter.
so, all was well.

i don't know why my mom keeps asking darwin to sit.
when its obvious that he wont do it haha.
and he only meows when he wants to be cuddled.
if only life is such a doting parent huh.

as this week comes to an end,
i'm gonna start planning the last two days.

saturday: spend quality time with school work, sample model
sunday: 'an education' and yenyen's 21st party.

chances would be that next week wont be any different.
though i would like to have sushi and tempura intermittently tossed in thanks!

2010-07-07T21:13:00.002+08:00

i am the flower you are the seed
we walked in the garden; we planted a tree
don’t try to find me,
please don’t you dare
just live in my memory, you’ll always be there
- heart

+++

listening to this song made me (almost) nostalgic.
cos i was wondering where i first heard this song,
then i realized that it was part of my friday nights, or saturdays nights too if you will.
i still remembered the time when my only agenda was just to work my ass off.
i dont know if i still have the energy or agenda do it anymore.
maybe i'm lazy, maybe i'm getting old.

home on the wednesday night,
stuck with an ulcer that makes makes me talk like i have a lisp,
a headache that appeared after my nap,
and a slice of banana cake and a blueberry muffin.
okay the last two things are necessarily bad things,
but i'm too full to even think of them.
i should start eating lesser because lately i have been stuffing my face,
and not even with things i'm enjoying.
just because its there, and maybe even moral obligation to have dinner at home.
i have honestly no complaints to have dinner at home,
but sometimes when i get too full, i question why i ate in the first place.

its quite scary to think about the next three weeks.
after looking at today's schemes from a coupla of good students at the de-briefing,
i'm worried, complete with a good dollop of inadequacy.
i have to buck up really, because thats the only way up.
LE SIGH.

2010-07-06T20:32:00.002+08:00

just happen to be browsing decals,
and i saw this!
can someone buy it for me?
together with a new macbook pweease?
(:

decisions,
whether to go for dimsum tmr,
to do work or watch 'new moon'.
plus i'm getting sleeeeepy meow.

okay going off.

2010-07-05T20:09:00.003+08:00

but you with me
'cause in your company,
i feel happy, oh so happy and complete.
and it's a good excuse, put our love to use.
- kanis grannis

+++

back from bintan,
and oh what a joyride it was.
(i would like to believe that we got back last night,
which would thus give me enough excuses for today)

i'm actually tremendously glad that it worked out.
i was really worried that it might not have worked out.
it even came to the point whereby i deliberately didnt want to announce to the world,
cos concrete plans havent been made so there were chances that i would spend the long weekend at home.

i didnt realize until now, how long it has been since i've been with ma choir peeps.
despite not having an alias to refer to this group,
they form such an impressionable part of my life.
and in the company, i just fall into something so familiar.
like old songs and warm pancakes, however that makes sense.
it almost makes me want to stop time and not go back to reality.
we're definitely not the most psycho and havok-wrecking type,
but it makes me smile knowing even the small teasing words warm the heart.
thats why i faintly remember being upset once regarding the group's amity really long ago,
and being upset to the point of constituting phone calls that lasted for hours,
well it shows how much i treasure it.

in any case,
i'm glad we made this happen.
i didnt particularly needed this holiday,
but it sat down very well on little timmy (my tummy) of mine.
i don't know if future trips are currently on the line,
but i would do it all over again, seasickness and all.
(almost)

well i better bounce back from waxing lyrical.
its time to get my life back in order,
considering that i know that i didnt do well for the previous submission.
hesitant about putting my face on the grinding stone again,
because it hurts so and it saps so much of myself away.
its not that i hate it, on a certain level, i ALMOST like it.
but i have to crawl up such a steep slope to get there.

torn and terrified.
because i could have nothing to hold on to, in the end.
and i'm much to selfloathing to bother doing that thing tomorrow,
but if i never stake myself out, i will never find out.
still, i can name numerous things that i could do instead.

2010-06-27T17:21:00.002+08:00

am fully back from a very long week.
a long week of travelling,
dragging myself to and fro places
and just simply collapsing due to pure fatigue.
but now i'm kinda done so good for me!

hongkong was good,
and visiting macau was deffo a first.
it was really interesting,
simply because i havent been in a tour group in the longest time.
and speaking of hongkong,
i really should get to develop my photos with saffie's goldenhalf,
cant wait to see what kind of photos turn out though haha.

it still hasnt really occurred to school starts next week.
the insanely short holidays has been filled with schoolwork and hardly any sleep.
as much as i want to say that it has been fulfilled,
i still secretly relish emptiness and complaining about having too much time.
then again, dont we all?

a good week ahead,
with just decisions to what i should do on tuesday and wednesday.
i deserve it, the following week can wait.
:D

today: finish up documentation, maybe do a new model.
monday: submission - mood board/documentation, presentation in the afternoon.
tuesday: movie?
wednesday: lunch?, maybe heading down to dempsey.
thursday-saturday: BINTAN! :D

2010-06-14T20:05:00.002+08:00

make it my fault, win the game
point the finger, place the blame
it does me up and down,
it doesn't matter now.
this is my interpretation,
and it don't, don't make sense.
- mika

+++

its the holidays already.
it kinda feels like the holidays,
but with this new program training from today will wedesday.
hardly any holidays at all.
as much as i want to extend this little period of rest,
i'm kinda glad that its only two weeks.
because it would be so much easier to plan and schedule.

a week of fashion show has ended,
and with submission pushed till two weeks later.
i managed to really enjoy myself.
i didnt think that involving myself in school activites would benefit me,
but i actually really did enjoy running around and well, being busy ol' me.
i'm still tickled and running of that little bit of leftover adrenaline.

i really should get started on work,
so i have a much less hectic following week.
meooow.

tuesday: school, dinner with sam rachel kitty vanessa
wednesday: school, back home to cook, picnic at marina barrage
thursday: unconfirmed playdate with tashiepoo
friday: HONGKONG
saturday: HONGKONG
sunday: HONGKONG

2010-06-07T19:12:00.002+08:00

circus life,
under the big top world;
we all need the clowns to make us smile.
- journey

+++

its summer and i'm already wishing for fall.
i still remember the two weeks of fall i spent in the east coast of the states.
the crisp days and cold toilet seats.
wanderlust strikes, particularly when everyone seem(s/ed) to travel there.

as the skies darken,
the light that glows on my face brighten.
cos my legs are too numb to switch on the lights,
maybe cos that would the night has officially begun.

not so much a sleepless night,
but one i need to avoid sleeping to challenge my limits.
work, oh how it delights and kills me so.

comments aside,
i wonder why do i actually pen stuff here.
when the flicker of interest dies,
i'll see where this leads me.

2010-06-01T11:10:00.002+08:00

but it was a trick and the clock struck twelve.
well make sure to build your home,
brick by boring brick;
or the wolf's gonna blow it down.
- paramore

+++

well hello,
its 1114h and i'm at home.
no surprise which day i ended up not going for class.

a combination of sudden realization of work unfinished,
and the presence of a lecture that bores the hell out of me.
well having said that, i have to finish up my spatial planning and the damned timeline today.
so then bright and early tomorrow, i would be able to redeem myself for today.

as the world whizzes pass,
it almost seems like my life is stagnant;
unperturbed by sleep.
still at the back of my mind, i know i asked for it.
so there shouldn't be anything i have to complain about.

with a rough time schedule for the month ahead,
it is indeed finally time to get down to my obligations,
and to work out the times i am actually free.
surprisingly, i actually relish in this planning.
what happened to spontaneity on my part?

june spells the end of one term, and the start of another.
with lessons that could make or break my fyp,
a short trip with the family (hopefully),
and the planning for a trip with the choir peeps of which hopefully will come to fruition.

today: sketching (which is probably harder than i think), AP timeline, doctor's, satc2 with jasmine
wednesday: lecture, photographer's meeting, collecting photos, dinner with bel
thursday: whole day of school, dinner with zkai and nigel
friday: out with shaun or sleeping at home
saturday: photography seminar with samyilin, dinner with rachel mummy.

2010-05-29T21:39:00.003+08:00

trying to be perfect,
trying not to let you down.
honesty is honestly,
the hardest thing for me right no;
- kris allen

+++

for once, i am glad today is saturday.
finally i have time to rest my head and well, rest.

i'm so glad i made time for the food hunt.
i havent seen them peeps in the longest time,
and it was nice just to hang loose and not bother at all.
back to times that were simple and ever so filled with laughs.
thats what you get with friends whom you've known for so long.
so if you see this, thanks for yesterday.
i really needed it (:

a sudden conversation led to love that makes your heart race.
so i asked, 'do you believe in love that makes your heart race?'

my answer is no.
i did, i really did.
i wore the rosiest-tinted glasses.
but now, its such a joke that i laugh so chillingly that i amuse myself.
love does not make your heart race, it simply tickles and amuses me.
to me, instant gratification works, and all these games do not last.
one day, you will finally wake up and knock your head.
and you will realise how stupid you have been.

its weird how harsh i am now.
definitely not pessimistic but a turn for something worse.
it might have been the fatigue or the food talking,
but the darkness has never been more welcoming.

okay maybe its the fatigue talking,
cos i feel a light buzz thats getting me irritable.

week seven,
and i kind of have no idea what's going on.
we're moving into the project,
and honestly it has scaring me shitless.
cos now, i'm all on my own;
and i don't know if i can push myself.
on the same note, its not like i have a choice.

let me sleep on this,
to mull over this like hot wine.
and that i'm gonna take another step.

2010-05-26T21:19:00.002+08:00

the truth is incontrovertible,
malice may attack it,
ignorance may deride it,
but in the end; there it is.
- winston churchill

+++

i'm just beyond tired today goodness.
almost slept in tashie's house today.
and i'm muttering nonexistent words,
with a gradual headache growing.
i tell you, its the lack of sleep and the heat.

i want to eat scrambled eggs,
i want to eat chicken and a huge chunk of salmon.
meat, sweet murder.

cant wait for darwin and prada's playdate next friday hurhur.
that being said, i better buy travel supplies for darwin.
i'm actually quite amused and excited hahaha.

okay gonna sleep early with a sampling of glee and himym.
cant wait to see the peeps for makan food hunt on friday! :DD

2010-05-24T22:49:00.002+08:00

it's a fact, once you get on board,
say good-bye cause you can't go back.
oh it's a fight, and i really wanna get it right.
where I'm at, is my life before me,
and this feelin' that i can go back
- leann rimes

+++

seriously, i kind of feel like that.
and it could probably mean that i look as much as a mess like that.
i cant remember which disney movie she is from but she looks mighty familiar,
like from hercules or something.
okay maybe not hercules.

i succumbed to sleep at seven,
so now i am wide awake with my eyes wide open.
because i have kinda too much energy and that really sucks.
with a long day tomorrow, i need all the sleep i can possibly get.

i cant help falling back into you.
but every single time i think about it,
i just want to puke.
i literally get bile in my throat.

okay going to start my sketching.
this whole blogging everyday has to stop.

2010-05-23T21:13:00.002+08:00

MEREDITH; But, I’m good actually. I feel like it’s all gonna be okay. Like we’re all gonna keep our jobs, and we’re all gonna be amazing people, and live amazing lives. [he feels her forehead, she giggles] Unstable childhood.
DEREK; Ah, yes.

Grey’s Anatomy, 6x03 I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watchin’ Me

+++

two days on,
and yes i'm feeling the after-effects.
i feel the need to constantly update myself,
and i've given in quite a few times today.
need to get a grip.
well, given the consideration that i was struck by grey's anatomy today,
i must say that i was only properly conscious and sober for one day.

i need to make a conscious effort to fill up my time properly now.
wanted to bake today,
but the lack of cream cheese at home left me lazy and needy for a nap.
and five hours later, i heard sounds of my mum's semi-unsuccessful cake.
(i mean my mum making sounds, not the cake)
so me being too lazy, i made pickled carrots which should be ready in a day's time.
but i have a feeling that i may have left the carrots boiling for too long.

too much to think,
too much time.
or so i think.

monday: school
tuesday: school
wednesday: school
thursday: school, family dinner
friday: makan food hunt!
saturday: work, family dinner at oriole!

you know what,
i have too much energy now.
i should head out to run.

2010-05-20T22:05:00.002+08:00

sweet dreams till sunbeams find you,
sweet dreams that leave our worries behind you.
but in your dreams whatever they be,
dream a little dream of me.
- glee

+++

one of my favourit-est songs,
and its beyond sad when artie sang it cos i then realized how differently the song can be interpreted.
cant seem to stop humming the song to myself now.

done with my submission for the week!
with no classes on fridays, it always feels alot better to have my weekends starting early.
but why it doesnt feel that way i wonder,
i dont always work fridays these few weeks,
so it shouldnt have any other explanation.
well, its sure beats me.

site analysis is over and done with,
i wouldnt say that my group did a fantastic job.
but for what its worth, i honestly didnt put much of a heart in it either.
yet, tashiepoo and i just knew exactly what spots to tickle,
and our mood board came away with a rave review.
looks like all my rubbish i didnt manage to get away with in second year pulled off in the third.

third year seems strangely different.
a more cohesive plan for the year promoting design and inspiration.
i mean, look at next week's schedule, we're doing a fashion show.
seriously, hahaha i have no idea where to go with this.
application for the fashion show committee turned out with me as one of the three photographers,
to think that i put emceeing as the first choice.
getting my second choice wasnt too bad i guess,
except that i'm worried that i am not up to standard to the other two photographers.

on a better note,
a photo of mine was complimented openly in class by the lecturer.
okay there were minor photoshopping changes, but still.
:D

i guess it is time to stop.
to focus on what is important this time,
cant procrastinate anymore.
whether i will take this as my past that i will never touch again,
or possible revisiting, i am taking a firm stand this time.

the wonders of facebook brought me to this architecture student's profile.
he has graduated and spent his last two university years in carnegie mellon university as part of an exchange while pursuing his degree in nus.
and now, he interns at firms and URA while doing side-line work design sets for local musicals.
can i just say wow?

i'm just beyond flabbergasted on what studying architecture has done for him,
and well it goes more than just the literal work that school has thrown upon me.
now, i'm seeing the light slowly, because aims and goals are starting to form.
that can only be a good thing.

i'll see where that goes,
and maybe i'll take the rest of this week to think about it.
so as i finish off my obligations, i should start preparing myself for the next few weeks.
it can only get better, and i can only grow up from here.

on a completely different note,
i cant wait for my package to arrive (please arrive tmr)
and i'm going to hide under the covers with either 'dear john' or 'valentine's day' that have just finished streaming.
okay bye, wish me luck.

2010-05-17T21:34:00.002+08:00

took a walk down to little india today.
with my camera, and lugging around a girl that kept fussing over the sun.
i was probably on the verge of fussing too,
but i kept quiet cos any sudden movement could make my perspire even more.

i guess this was my first time heading to a cultural site.
and it made me want to embrace photography even more.
but it says alot, if you cant take good photos.
so what if you have a good camera, when you lack in skills.
SIGHH.

as i edit the colours for my photos,
i realise that my skills are quite lacking.
most of my photos in quite scanty in the areas of depth and focus.
as much as bokeh is concerned, it is forced and doesnt sufficiently tell the story.
meow.

it almost feels like everything's falling apart.
i tell myself its just today, but i'm beginning to see a trend.
sigh my head is rolling over and under and my back hurts.
should i completely abolish its existence and move on with life?
and that spells for more than one thing.

tuesday: school, buffet at oc.
wednesday: school, complete site study
thursday: school, presentation.
friday: work - opening, closing - dempsey.
saturday: work - midshift.

2010-05-14T22:03:00.003+08:00

my eyes are wide open
but all that I can see is, chapel bells are callin for everyone but-a me.
but I don't worry cause,
mama said there'll be days like this,
there'll be days like this mama said.
- the shirelles

+++

i really dont remember watching the original 'alice in wonderland' movie!
i dont remember no caterpillar and no red hearts.
but yet, the blue dress and purple/pink stripes ring a bell.

i get my fridays off,
and i wanted plans and plans to make it worthwhile.
but i ended up staying at home, with basically nothing to do.
i'm not sure if this little fever was psychologically induced,
because later at five in the afternoon, it was the sleep that made it go away.
i regretting cancelling plans, because i kind of knew this virus might somehow be self-induced.
it doesnt help that i dont feel any much better now.

i like making plans for myself,
scheduling one little bubble of activity after another.
so this day was one that kept me stumped.
in the end , i planned activities and movies on my laptop.
of which both categories were definitely not satisfactorily completed.
only sleep was sufficiently fulfilled, but the thing is that i'm not even lacking (much) in sleep.
my guesses are probably correct.

i dont like to be taken as dispensable,
so i work hard for my money.
however, if it comes to a point that i've had enough of this,
i am convincing myself to let go, in more ways than one.
i doubt, in a third person's perspective, that this is an attention-seeking gesture.
so if anyone even remotely suggests this, well screw you.

with the rest of the night to go,
i'm listed things to do.
pack my windswept-like room, get down to write the notes,
maybe binge again and then down with rest of the shows i loaded.
then its pink dot tomorrow and then blooie's with great people.

le sigh,
le bye.

2010-05-10T21:09:00.002+08:00

every move you make
every vow you break
every smile you fake
every claim you stake, i'll be watching you

- the police

+++

got myself listening to this old song after seeing the link from saffie's fb.
such an old song, but it got me crooning along.
well, as far as my bass notes will shakily mumble along.

well it seems like last week only ended today.
with an almost nonexistent workload this week,
i'm able to do the things i've wanted to do for awhile,
like to meet up with peeps and just hang around.

i wonder if i should pick days to skip school hmmms.

not so much thinking,
but i'm wondering if i may be overdoing the whole busy thing.
i still have time to breathe, but maybe i shouldnt be doing it.
well i dont really know, i'm lost.
and well, everyone wants to be saved right?
okay no idea what i'm talking about.

tuesday: presentation in afternoon, collect bbf photos, dinner with rachel
wednesday: watching presentations in the morning, tabby's 21st!
thursday: watching presentations in afternoon, dinner with clarissa joyceh tabby at ootoya!
friday: photo outing with bel (pweety please)
saturday: pinkdot, dinner with sharon and khing!

awesome week,
let's hope all the events work out!

2010-05-06T22:38:00.002+08:00

no more sailin'
so long sailin'
bye bye sailin'...
move on out captain
- bobby darin

+++

i've been oddly in a disney mood these few days.
very very weird, i think it must be the 'enchanted' over the last weekend.
and disney movies get me mopey.
i tell you, i'm the most terrible person to watch a movie with.

this week has been quite crazy,
probably because of the intensive school work.
it's only a case study but its grinding to the bone.
this is probably what it feels like to be a year 3 student.
considering that this has only been three weeks since school started,
i cant imagine what the rest of the academic year would be like.

i'm so glad i watched chicago last night.
it wasnt exactly what i expected,
maybe cause i expected the musical to be as compelling as the movie.
the movie scene of 'cell block tango' is the sex seriously,
all the garters and dancing.
phew haha.

i forgot what it was like to watch a musical,
so it indeed refreshing to hear some live singing.
and all the dancing makes me want to get my feet tapping too hurhur.
maybe one fine day, i'll will get my ass up to join a dance class.
might do me some good too haha.

i think these few days have really been messed up.
as much as i want to blame schoolwork,
i dont think its justifiable.
i blew up at my groupmate this afternoon, for real.
(and i remember just a few days ago, my friend was telling me that i never ever flare up)
plus this is considering that i cant even remember the last time i blew up.

and i survived on half an apple, a handful of wheat squares and a bottole of pink dolphin today.
until i got home at eight thirty, and i gobbled.
now i feel like puking urgh.

gosh, what has become of me.
i guess i havent really been much of myself,
sometimes a little over the top.
overly excited, overly gleeful, and overly mopey.
i dont know, really.

nah i should sleep.

2010-05-02T21:32:00.002+08:00

we're so close, to reaching that famous happy ending
and almost believing this was not pretend.
let's go on dreaming for we know we are
so close, so close, and still so far.
- jon mclaughlin

+++

watching enchanted always makes me feel...
as if my stomach is cramping and tied into a knot.
okay thats enough stagnancy.
i'm going off to do something proper.
kbye.

2010-05-01T22:41:00.001+08:00

'A professor stood before his philosophy class
And had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly,
He picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students, if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open Areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively
filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things - family,
children, health, Friends, and Favorite passions –
Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, Your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else --The small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' He continued,
'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for the things that are important to you.

So...

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play With your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

'Take care of the golf balls first --
The things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled.
'I'm glad you asked'.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

2010-04-29T20:09:00.002+08:00

a chair is still a chair, even when there's no one sittin' there
but a chair is not a house and a house is not a home
when there's no one there to hold you tight
and no one there you can kiss goodnight
- glee cast

+++

i cant seem to seat my thoughts on the same train,
so here goes:

1. the latest glee episode 'home' has got me thinking, got me sad and got me despondent all at the same time. either the episode's really good or there is really something wrong with me.
2. managed to stay in school today with no help from anyone, and managed to get a present so kudos to me.
3. i cant seem to eat anything. after i eat, i feel like puking or forcing myself to. disgustingly so because i never enjoy anything i put in my mouth, not even for the sake to sustain my blood level.
4. kind of burst out to my mom when she needed help with her iphone. no specific channels from where it came from but it just came out unknowingly.
5. i want to coop myself in my room watching endless episodes of 'little nonya', because its the most easily accesible.
6. finally collecting my internship pay tomorrow. which also means its time to pay off debts.
7. i want to talk about it, but i dont know if i can.
8. i did it out of my own concern, and looks like my worst case scenerio came true. fine, i'll walk away. kicking up a fuss and telling you would do not help to me.
9. very tempted not to go to school to help groupmates tomorrow but work from home. the hell i will get is beyond me.
10. even sleep probably wont help, doubt binging either.
11. starving like mad, but i'm tempted to push the dinner plate away.
12. hope that tomorrow's h2h with bel and zkai will help.
13. very very tempted to delete everything.

2010-04-25T20:18:00.003+08:00

we had a kettle; we let it leak:
our not repairing made it worse.
we haven't had any tea for a week...
the bottom is out of the universe.
- rudyard kipling

+++

its the end of the week,
and it kind of felt that my birthday was like 2 weeks ago gosh.
time might actually be passing slower that i thought.

full of ups and downs,
but i'm glad for the people who made me smile.
i couldnt be more thankful for the little things that made me smile.

ever since wednesday,
i cant stop drinking tea, particularly earl grey.
there's nothing special about it, but the bergamot lingers.
and it strangely keeps me sane and slightly needy.
a little like a drug, a little like a warm hug.
something tells me that i hide in that little corner with my earl grey,
just because i know that i wont be found.
and that i have an excuse and a need without any judgement.
or is it?

i've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
and i thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
but i'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain.
to hell with my pride, let it fall like rain.

sometimes i'm surprised how much i cover up.
they say bottling's not good.
but unleashing the pandora's box not the best way.
still, i wonder how i can so easily dispense advice when i dont believe in them in my circumstance.

i know,
i lack something that drives my passion.

new week, many things to be joyous about.
right, okay.

2010-04-24T12:12:00.002+08:00

don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for,
i can't help it - there's nothin' i want more.
ya know it's true;
everything i do - i do it for you.
- bryan adams

+++

before you know it,
its already noon on this saturday.
and what have i done? nothing.

a week that got me thinking,
got me shivering at prospects and sinking at losses.
this promise that i made to myself takes balls to carry it through,
but it appears so much easier on paper.

i want to eat, i want to sleep,
and i regret it all.
oh bull shit, this is the ten minutes i'm allowing to mope about myself.

using a new scent on my last night really confused me.
i found myself very lost in terms of personality,
i kept snatching whiffs of it and wondering if it was me or someone else.
its hard to explain what it feels like,
but it almost felt like i didnt belong in this skin.
involuntary reflex or conscious thinking, i wasnt even sure.
it feels different, but i dont know if i like this change.

i dont like how my life works out with these pockets of spaces.

sunday: work
monday: school, ajchoir concert
tuesday: school, kelly clarkson concert
wednesday: school, schoolwork
thursday: school
friday: closing at usq
saturday: labour day aka nothing
sunday: schoolwork

2010-04-20T21:51:00.002+08:00

wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
can't get no love without sacrifice
if anything should happen, i guess i wish you well
a little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell
- mika

+++

mika never sounded sadder.
odd, i guess that is what growing old makes you.
reminiscing and thinking about everything past.
as many promises i tell myself about the future, doesnt exactly work.

well, time waits for no man.
my secret like for marshmallows in hot chocolate,
falling asleep in hoodies smelling of clean cotton.

in slightly under two hours,
i turn twenty one.
the consideration to sleep through it runs very high.

okay before it gets worse,
off i go.

2010-04-19T20:49:00.002+08:00

i dont want just a memory, give me forever.
dont even think about saying good-bye,
cause i want just one love to be enough.
and remain in my heart till i die.
- renee olstead

+++

i think renee has been on loop for the past 26 times.
something about her and olivia-one-esque songs make me never grow bored on a cold night like tonight.
makes me want to brew tea and tumble in an old tee and boxers.
(of which i'm not wearing either now)

first day back at school.
i actually really miss travelling to work aka internship.
the straight bus may mean less visual interest,
but there's comforting sitting in a bus rolling along with the aircon blasting from above.
all the same, i'm not complaining about school (yet)
because there are people in a worse position.

work begins.
starting tomorrow, i've got to bury my head in this new piece of work.
and finally get my priorities in check with my last year arriving on my shores.
to keep this momentum going, is going to be quite a terror.

expectations, dreams and wonders.
i'm hesitant but i want to embark on this.
why do i keep falling into such potholes?

2010-04-19T20:35:00.002+08:00

THANK YOU

thank you all for being part of my life,
being part of my grimaces and nuances,
being there when i cant seem to pick myself up,
accepting me for who i am,
to laugh and smile along with me,
for giving me a much needed slap whenever necessary,
giving me a chance to redeem myself,
for stepping in the mud to waddle along with me,
for being yellow.

i would thank you from the bottom of my heart,
but for you, my heart has no bottom.
(:

2010-04-06T14:34:00.010+08:00

We always wish for the most beautiful of all things;
just like how fallen flowers and leaves in autumn mean so much more than in the summer.
We begin life that way as with every beginning,
we want to live it to the maximum and to seize the greatest moments to make the day.
Did we learn to dream or is it natural within the biological makeup of our body-mind-soul?

+++

Pensive and maybe a little evaluative,
I cant help but think of such things when I'm in office.
Its not ethical I know but my colleagues are all off for meetings for the rest of the day, so i'm gonna sit myself down (though i'm sitting down most of the time) just to ponder;
and to put some of my thoughts out on words.

I have been asking myself what kind of lifestyle I am looking to.
Recently I find the need to readjust my outlook on life,
with the notion of age looming up behind me.
Sure enough people may say that it is just a number,
but the initial stigma and judgement does not fail to tail behind.

I watch, I see and I understand.
And I wonder if I can achieve what those people can do.
Veiling explicitly sometimes, I know that it is not easy to build upon something that leaves me more exposed to the world.
The rain ceases to pour and the clouds start to clear,
and the same bright sunlight filters in my room once again.
Then, I wonder what have I worked to accomplish.

I'm not a ungrateful child,
I am thankful for the family I have, the friends who listen to me and myself whom I sometimes appreciate.
But what if things could be different? For good and for worse?

We all want the most beautiful things in life,
so we buy the seeds, we sow and we scatter on the best fertilizer.
And we watch it grow, slowly and shakily till wee see the fruits of our labour;
having a beautiful flower as the pride and joy of our garden.
Sure it may not be the most beautiful nor the rarest of flowers,
but we do have something to be proud about, sometimes in other people's eyes.

But when the flower wilts,
what exactly do we have left?
A pile of soil, a truckload of the best fertilizer, and the ending of summer.
What now?

In a way, the fallen flowers are the most beautiful.
It spells the beginning of something new, but what is beginning no one knows.
So should we just sit by the soil and wait for a seed to sprout?

2010-03-28T21:44:00.004+08:00

i dont want to say i'm tired anymore.
i just want a rush again,
and to be swept into that feeling.

i need a hug,
and everything to be perfect.
but we all know thats not gonna happen.
okay goodnight.

2010-03-25T21:10:00.003+08:00

like the little school mate in the school yard,
we'll play jack and uno cards.
i'll be your best friend if you'll be mine,
valentine.
- fergie

+++

disney love,
how very much cliche.

i know hatred is bad.
the bible tells us not to hate, but to love thy neighbour.
but my hatred is largely fuelled by jealousy, stemmed from more than one thing.
i hate you for having so much and more,
and i hate you for having so little
till you are swept up the moment your feet touch the ground.

another not so restful week.
sometimes i wonder what keeps me going,
i would really like to know.
i love how free-cone day reminded me how adrenaline could fuel me.
cos suddenly i was up and ready for anything,
i think i almost bounced from wall to wall.
and it definitely helped when i saw so many familiar faces in the span of a day,
even some that i have not seen for months.
but every part of the day seemed awesome,
i still cant stop smiling as i see albums being uploaded.

the weekend comes rolling in again,
reminding me of commitments i'm happy to oblige.
and it counts down the end of a week of another till i allow myself to take a break.
i am kind of not looking forward to having time again though.
shrugs.

gambatte!
(seriously, i cant believe i'm actually midly optimistic)

2010-03-21T13:38:00.002+08:00

little did i think this weekend would be such a killer.

i think this is a long time since i fell asleep every night due to sheer fatigue.
not that its a bad thing of course,
it sure hells beat insomnia and lying in bed for hours, hands down.
so i guess i'm kind of embracing this almost masochism-like lifestyle.

right now,
my back aches a little,
with my upper arms hanging down like limp sausages.
yet i can strangely not think of things that i did that might have caused it.

i think i still have leftover sleep debt from last week,
considering that i havent had a full night's rest since wednesday,
i dont think i'm gonna repay it anytime.
oh well, it certainly beats getting mopey especially when it rains.

and mentioning about it,
i think i have about 6 hours of shows loaded an unwatched since 2 weeks ago.

looking for films is sucha bitch.
its too difficult to go searching.
no time and almost no energy,
i really hate it when people dont reply promptly with clear answers.
an undetermined angst brews inside, ready to lash out.
it doesnt take much to reply and give the right words.

damn, i dont want to settle for less.
because i deserve more than just an 'okay' for the amount of effort i put in.

this week:
monday: work, doctor, peninsular (?), collect fcd shirts hopefully and possibly movie.
tuesday: opening at dempsey, fcd at oc.
wednesday: work.
thursday: work.
friday: work, closing at dempsey.
saturday: holland, closing at dempsey.
sunday: can we bake bread again please?

why do i have this feeling i have something happening on wed and thurs?

2010-03-18T14:08:00.002+08:00

am at work.
full from two cinnamon buns, an apple and tub of yogurt,
and all i want to do is teleport home and fall asleep.

i'm very tempted to repeat this cycle again.
cos sometimes when fatigue hits you hard,
you lose all sense of self and your day seems shorter, faster and live-able.

maybe i do know what i want for my birthday.
white sheets on a rainy morning,
dreamy eyes and tousled hair,
playful laughter, sleeping in the car,
breakfast the whole day through,
and someone to make it come all together.

i havent slept through a rainy morning in the longest time.
but then again, when was the last time i woke up knowing life is perfect as it is?

2010-03-09T21:47:00.002+08:00

tell me someone who doesnt like balloons?
they give pretty effects like that yays.
i want that to be me on my birthday haha.

internship for two days,
and i already feel that i'm done with it.
i still havent gotten my computer,
so i cant even do any work.
i want to read quite badly,
but i dont want to seem like i'm such a douche.
its really not nice to be reading when people are doing work.

but then, its not like i can.

i'm oddly domestic,
though i'm there for only six weeks.
i start pinning stuff up (passwords and emails and all that)
and arranging an in & out tray.
i'm a funny thing.

thinking that i have five and a half more weeks,
omg die.

its not bad though.
i am thankful for the journey,
i can wake up at 745 and be at office by 845.
the bus is ever so convenient cos it drops me right outside my house.
the people are quite nice, and i have candy for my eyes.
so definitely not bad.

maybe i'll get my computer tomorrow,
then i'll complain about it sigh.
probably about how much work i have to do.

something about buses in the morning gets me.
as much as i would like to take it a little earlier,
i have been able to get a seat, to see the greenery.
its almost like wearing glasses tinged with a little blue,
cos the sun doesnt seem to willing to rise.
and on the way home, the sun casts such beautiful hues of yellow and blue.
how these colours match i dont know.

okay hope i get my computer tomorrow!
for now, much needed sleep.

2010-03-05T15:06:00.002+08:00

i'm going off to rest,
my tummy hurts and my head had a mild party going on.

i'm not going to worry,
i'm not going to bother.
too many things to want,
too many things calling out to me.

the sky's turning dark,
maybe it might rain.

so smile,
let people know you're stronger than yesterday.

2010-02-27T20:44:00.003+08:00

i want to play-doh waveforms in the hideaway,
want to get on with getting on with things.
i want to run in fields, paint the kitchen and love someone
and i can't do any of that here, can i?
- imogen heap

+++

i have to be honest,
amidst constant face-stalking on fb i found this picture of yellow and white balloons.
pretty aint it?
bright, pretty and reminds me of eggs haha.

home on a saturday night,
given that i had a steamboat to go to, and clubbing after,
circumstances have left me at home with sleep to catch up to.
i know its probably good for me, but something about me not being busy
makes me feel a little empty, physically empty.
somewhat different, almost to the point of uselessness.

maybe thats why i'm opting for this,
to make some kind of worth out of me.
but thinking again, its really quite a nice place.
and surrounding myself with items that keep calling out to me cant be very bad.
this is coming from my first visit haha.
well, we'll see how it goes next week,
for all i know it might not even work out.
just this nagging feeling that it might not.

as much as i want to be excited,
i just feel that i cant, not now.
but its a choice i have made, with its sacrifices.
with past experiences, i know that personal sacrifices are often not enough.
and mistakes have left me fully conscious thank you.
well, i guess we'll have to see how it goes.
no point going semi-paranoid when it has hardly started.
gah!

shaun said that i'm a masochist.
okay not in the sexual definition but in the other definition.
am i tiring myself out?
to me, not yet because i have seen people do worse,
what's more, on a regular basis.
i tell myself i have goals to look forward to,
and thats why i'm pushing myself now.
i havent seen the true calamity yet because all three areas have yet to converge,
so i definitely dont see the burn.

i was heading home in the cab after work last night,
and being the last one, i propped my hoodie up and closed my eyes.
obviously i promptly fell asleep and when i woke as the cab turned into bishan,
i feel so fatigued i barely had enough strength to change my position.
surprisingly, fifteen minutes later, i was fine after bathing.
maybe i am a masochist, because i crave times that i'm so busy running around everywhere.
the only time i have nothing to do is while travelling from one place to another.
but why not? life is too short to be spent nua-ing and watching the world go by sometimes.
even if there is a time for it, youth is quickly diminishing.
and now that term is ending,
even better.

i dont want to think of school,
all i am asking if probably an opportunity and a chance to move forward.
once tuesday is over, i will heave a sigh of relief.
what have i become? ):

i cant wait to start preparing for my birthday.
okay for honesty's sake, i have have started planning with emailing and all.
venue has been booked and queries about cake have been answered.
but actually ordering and paying (damned nonexistent finances) would only lead to fulfil my excitement!
damned, i wish i could plan other people's 21st instead haha.
it scares me that its slightly under two months, but i'm really excited too haha.
i'm weird, ruff.

tangyuan tomorrow,
spelling the end of the lunar new year.
then next week comes rolling along:

monday: breakfast with jasmine, opening at dempsey with tabby, closing at usq with kityee.
tuesday: portfolio collection (no interview please), mega rush to cab home with stuff and to work, work
wednesday: bbq with classmates, closing at dempsey.
thursday: closing at dempsey.
friday: nothing so please ask me out thx!
saturday: nomnom-ing outing for dimsum, closing at dempsey.

it doesnt help that it feels empty,
but yet craving and wanting wont help.
my only comfort is that i might not be ready.
now that may be a good or a bad thing, disgustingly.

2010-02-23T22:02:00.002+08:00

i really kinda want a craft room like that!
i mean, i like the minimalistic look and all,
but there's something about the organized chaos in a craft room that gets me.

happen to have lunch with the friends at wheelock,
and while waiting for a table, we popped by the scrapbooking shop.
well, now with a birthday guestbook in mind,
mentally arranging and designing the cover happens with materials in front of you.
actually inside, i'm quite the craft freak,
i want to play with glue and stickers.
i know i mock tingers with she spends so much on these things,
but i secretly love them to bits.
cant wait to go birthday guestbk shopping with tabs and then craft-shopping woots.
omigosh, i sound like mr schuster's wife in glee cos i want a craft room.
like just a plain white room for me to store things.

then again, i should be using the room to do my model-making rubbish.

all this thinking of school is driving me wild.
knowing how badly i'm gonna score keeps my heart continuously sinking into my stomach.
as much as i know how much i have to do, i should confess something: i'm prepping nothing.
yeah, i just hope everything goes well enough for portfolio review,
because if it boils down that i have an interview, i dont know how much can i defend myself.
of course it goes on to like how i cant wait to prove myself for next year,
yeah on and on, blah blah blah.

which reminds me of ke$sha's song 'blah blah blah'.
i'm actually getting quite addicted to it unfortunately.
but yes, not getting distracted.

i dont know if i'm burning myself out.
i havent started the work yet, but somehow my schedule seems really packed.
priorities and choosing over events werent much of an option.
it was difficult but thinking of it practically, it makes sense.
okay but thats really practical and somewhat superficial.
long term goals, short term sacrifices?

i dont know.
many things i'd like to rant here.
many things i want to say.
but passing judgement is never too difficult for others.
so yeah, just let it hover in my head and it might cease to exist.

2010-02-21T22:39:00.004+08:00

i'm quite the bipolar dude.
i want my future home to be a very minimalisitic loft with grey concrete walls and empty spaces,
but yet i like little explosions of colours like an entire yellow wall with something like this painted on top.
i'm not sure if anyone has seen this, but everytime i walk up dempsey hill to go to work,
i will pass by this furniture shop that has interesting furniture.
and on display is this patchwork sofa with lotsa colours.
i used to hate it, but somehow i've grown to like it and i can imagine it in a very concrete minimalist room,
sorta like a focal point.
man, i would be really sad if someone buys it.

my first post since the new year.
a little maddening with so many things happening,
but i enjoyed every single part of it.
though not so much when i had to haul my butt to school,
or do work at home.
not cool at all shingz.

it was really quiet without the cousins this year.
now that they're scattered all over the states,
i dont feel the want to stay at gma's place.
i still remember that we would plan the shows to watch during the first day on the eve.
and we would sink into the cushions on the second level with plates of pineapple tarts and a drowsy head.
so much has happened over this past year, and we're all kinda grown up with our own things to do.
definitely not a bad thing cos if we still do that in 3o years, we'd be fat and jobless.
so this chinese new year was kinda quiet, really.
luckily for the two new kids, i would really have been bored to death.

and i'm glad to be able to visit friends as well,
though i need to apologise to bel and ivan for not being able to attend.
i would have loved to drop by and i had already made my plans to come over.
if only it wasnt for school and going to my uncle's place.
and thanks peiyong and keith for having me over at your house.
the company and (bak kwa plus pineapple tarts) were really good.
you guys had be guffawing through the new year with good spirits and an excuse to wear new clothes haha.
i know there are pictures out there that are really quite unglam and terrible of me.
i must remember to stay calm and not laugh so loudly gah.

sometimes i wish i was so busy that i didnt have to think about the potential you.
and i do feel the need to occupy myself with something,
because it always feel like something's missing.
thinking about it, i'm not even sure i'm ready.
but i want to wake up with a purpose,
i want to wake up satisfied and ready.
i want to wake up knowing you'd be by my side.
cause right now, there isnt anyone and because of that,
the fifteen minutes longer i allow myself to sleep begins to snowball.

i would probably be uploading photos when i have time this week.
preferably i would like to edit them on tuesday but i must get on to do my portfolio submission.
goodness gracious, how school never fails to get me down.

my week in days and nights:
monday: opening at dempsey, closing at united square.
tuesday: year debriefing, lunch with shaun.
wednesday: home to do portfolio submission.
thursday: portfolio submission, work at holland.
friday: closing at dempsey.
saturday: alumni steamboat or work.

(if you're wondering why i put this down, its not to show you how busy (or lack thereof activities) i am.
but sometimes, writing things down makes my decisions a little more solid and more like reality.)

2010-02-18T23:03:00.001+08:00

‘Beauty is a form of genius--is higher, indeed, than genius, as it needs no explanation. It is of the great facts in the world like sunlight, or springtime, or the reflection in dark water of that silver shell we call the moon.’
- oscar wilde

2010-02-15T22:22:00.001+08:00

what do you get when you fall in love?
a guy with a pin to burst your bubble.
that's what you get for all your trouble.
i'll never fall in love again.
i'll never fall in love again.
- carpenters

2010-02-11T08:30:00.002+08:00

but in your life you'll do things greater than
dating the boy on the football team,
but I didn't know it at fifteen.
when all you wanted was to be wanted
- taylor swift

+++

it seems like closing at usq does give one
unexplainable singing tendencies to taylor swift.

awesome closing with shermaine last night.
it has been really very long since i last sat down to talk with someone from older days.
kinda reminded me of how gungho i was about everything last time,
all the obsession and awe about choir.
it certainly made me wonder where i put all that drive and motivation in.

there was definitely a time when i breathed and talked choral talk,
now it seemed all so foreign and strangely non-enticing.
but nevertheless, it was really great to start talking about things close to heart.

i could get used to this, really.
the taylor swift, the quiet-ness and the children walking past.
i'm not tying myself down, but i will keep my options open.

considering that i have options on my mind,
its actually signs that submission and presentation is over.
now i have remnant school days with mild schoolwork to do,
it feels awesome to be able to breathe, like a normal human.

dinner with shaunny and the classmates on tuesday after a good job interview test.
and i never knew i could eat so much, its really bad considering i would fatten up for cny.
but laughing quite so hard was something i really havent done in the longest time.
i literally had to squat down and i had my eyes closed the whole time.
so if you saw a dude sprawled on the floor at suntec in laughter, chances of that would be me.
gosh, how i miss those days.

if you have too much fun and keep thinking that the next day is the weekend,
chances are that you're enjoying life.
and suddenly i dont have time to go online or worry about my birthday.
ironic isnt it haha.

why yes i'm getting tired of your ways
and your every new excited tone.
you know what, whatever, you can deal with it and enjoy your bloody success.

lunch and shopping in awhile,
then a hopefully good presentation on friday.
and then its chinese new year with the family (:

2010-02-06T09:45:00.003+08:00

i was playing with my hair during submission week.
and thats how i look with bangs.
okay shits not cool, but i swear it has the ability to look much better.
zzz.

submission's over,
for one i definitely feel a sense of relief now thats its all done.
but its slowly eating away inside of me with crit on monday.
i dont think i'm ready, in the great comparison as everyone else.
though i really appreciate the sleep.
its felt so bloody good to wake up and not worry about work and laze in bed tossing in and out of sleep for the next hour.
awesome stuff.

i'm not gonna talk about how this week and the last has been an absolute bitch,
but i cant wait for the times ahead to come, or more so the next two-three weeks.
naturally knowing the nature of this terrific course, there're intermediate submissions.
and i'm all up for it because it is better than any of this rubbish that i've done.

one thing i have realised is that my parents dont really understand to the full extent the atrocities of this course.
somehow it seems to them as the nonequivalent of an exam or a test,
and as such, it isnt worth bothering or what nots.
i'm not gonna bitch about it, i'm beyond this and i'm higher than that.

as much as i want to be happy to be able to intern at an impressive firm,
i hate it that i have to go through so much trouble and at the expense of a favour.
it almost comes to a point that i want to just give it up.
well to me, six weeks is pretty long but i do understand the lack of time to study technicality.
i dont know, i just want everything settled and preferably up to expectations.

and could i have a side of fried chicken with that too?

dye-ing hair phail.
why didnt the colour show?
i knew i should have mixed the colour a little more and applied more.

next week:
monday - presentation for project, maybe traversing around singapore or a movie alone, closing at dempsey
tuesday - interview test for module, rich's bbq or movie with tabby
wednesday - closing at usq with shermaine
thursday - doing up elective slides, shopping/ramen with bel/piong/gerald
friday - presentation for elective, closing at night
saturday - new year's eve
sunday - new year first day!

ohyeah and bel, this is for you.
i forgot to take a picture of the final product.
so this an intermediate that i happened to take!

i havent stuck down the levels so thats why it looks a little lopsided.

actually, a pretty exciting week ahead,
as long as i get pass monday, i hear fantastic days to come!
(:

2010-02-04T09:27:00.001+08:00

IT COMES TO A POINT THAT FTW MEANS FUCK THE WORLD.
WAKING UP AND REALIZING THE AMOUNT OF WORK LEFT IS NOT AMAZING.
AND I THINK I'M GONNA HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
I WANT TO SING DANCE RUN BUT NOT DO FREAKING ARCHITECTURE.
DRAWINGS AND STYROFOAM AT THE BACK OF MY MIND.
SERIOUSLY WTH AM I DOING?

okay had to rant.
i think its done.
and having all these stupid thoughts fifteen mins after i wake is not funny.

2010-01-26T23:36:00.002+08:00

some will win, some will lose,
some were born to sing the blues.
oh the movie never ends,
it goes on and on and on and on.
- glee

+++

right now i just feel like charlie brown does.
sometimes sitting alone with a brown bagged lunch,
and seemingly unable to kick that stupid friggin' football.

still nursing from a headache from this afternoon,
the nap did seem to cushion the pain,
but when my dad woke me up, the split second that i turned my head,
it was back.
popped panadols and the throbbing is less obvious now.

maybe it wasnt such a good idea to go online.
(well hello duh, it was obviously the worst idea)
now that mild stalking is so quintessential to me,
i see conversations and suddenly i feel so very alone.
its almost like i'm just sitting on the bench self-consciously munching my apple.

schoolwork that's having reality hitting me so hard in the face
is keeping me at home so i cant do any action towards it either.
but it makes me pine, it makes me whiny and seemingly lovesick and i dont like it.
because it makes me think of all the 'what if'-s and well, i put you straight in that position.
and then, i dont have to worry or bother what others do or think.

but, you probably dont feel the same do you.
so vague and ever so unwilling to extend the probably-nonexistent conversation.
and you got me whining again.

and for the umpteenth time,
i wonder if i was born to sing the blues.

time to get back to work.
cos then, i might actually deserve to go to hk with the family this weekend.

2010-01-20T21:45:00.005+08:00

a hug is like an emotional heimlich.
someone puts their arms around you
and they give you a squeeze
and all your fear and anxiety come shooting out of your mouth in a big wet wad
and you can breathe again.

- chuck, pushing daisies

+++

i will not admit that i like tumblr and am tempted to start one
despite school and its monstrocities.
i am merely 'tumbling' along.

2010-01-20T09:48:00.002+08:00

when you're happy, things don't look the same as when you're sad.
when you're happy, the colours seem brighter,
and you notice such things as flowers and bunnies and playful artwork.
when you're depressed, you notice the grays of the carpet,
the dirt on the window and the angry shouts from the screen-writing class next door.
things are not going well for that teacher, she thinks.

- the fiction class

2010-01-17T18:21:00.002+08:00

browsing through tumblr,
and no, i will not jump on that bandwagon of addiction.
i dont really like spiders, icky things.

+++

its been quite a good weekend,
minus-ing today when all i wanted to do is sleep.

despite having little sleep on thursday night,
i actually managed to attend all the activities i am obliged to do on friday.
before anyone thinks that its anything exciting,
its actually a gruelling day of school and not-so-gruelling work.
i wouldnt have minded school if there wasnt such a long break in between.
that being said, i managed to get through school and turned up for my elective.
it ended early so i made my way home to drop off my bag and laptop, only to find myself with no keys.
zzzz.

saturday was awesome in comparison!
brunchy with sammy and tabby at epicurious.
unsteady feet from (the-lack-thereof) sleep was quickly fixed by eggs and french toast mmms.
yummy yummy food! it feels so good to not be restricted, which can always be a bad thing.
photos will be up on facebook soon i hope.
cant wait for the next makan outing, meanwhile its good to save money. (:

back from ba-ku-teh lunch and bedsheet shopping at robinsons.
with my dad in chicago for the coming week, i probably wont have homecooked food this week.
as a plus point, i could possibly do away with dinner for the whole of this week.
which brings me to the fact that i'm sitting in front of my laptop with a pudge i need to get rid of.
newyear and wholesome-faux-healthy-ness might be a motivation.
at the very least, i managed to evade the evil calls of twister fries last night for supper at work.
i might just be getting good at this, now just to lose all this weight i seem to be pregnant with.

checking off the days i'm skipping school to stay home to do work.
i really need to start now cos the workload is really considerable.
up to the point, its one of the first things that i have on my mind when i wake up every morning.
whether i do anything about it is a whole other story.

for this week:
monday: school (?), photocopy certs for resume, work - closing
tuesday: school (?)
wednesday: school (?)
thursday: school (?)
friday: school, shopping for birthday present, work - closing
saturday: gerald's 21st

i just really hope i can this friggin inertia going,
so i do work but yet still comply with obligations and time for myself.
the only thing keeping me (kinda) motivated is planning for my birthday and that there's prob a little more than a month of school left.

2010-01-14T23:01:00.003+08:00

and he said take my hand,
live while you can
don't you see your dreams lie right in the palm of your hand
- vanessa carlton

+++

WO YAO CHI NU JI!
this actually means i want to eat buffalo chicken.
i actually made the effort to buy chicken breast meat today,
but so that today's my friggin' vegetarian day so i could eat the chicken.
why i even came up with two bloody days of vegetarian-ism is beyond me sigh.

i only want to eat my buffalo chicken tenders now!

i dont know why but i'm talking to everyone online in chinese.
and i think half the time no one understands me and the other half of the time my hanyupinyin is wrong.
but i think its quite fun, and irritating at the same time.

i cant seem to get myself to do work.
all i want to do is celebrate, sleep and eat.
i should really stop thinking and do work, this is what i have to do to enjoy my hols.
now just let me realise that fact.

2010-01-10T22:56:00.003+08:00

as much as i dont want to admit,
i'm considering skipping school tomorrow.
but maybe that so-called important class will turn out to be good.
i kind of know what to expect, a major irriating project submission again.

i just dont know what to do after lecture.
because then its work later tomorrow night hmms.

strangely enough,
i'm starting to get hooked on work again.
maybe its because last night had a bunch of fantastic people working with me,
or somehow this odd groove went back into place.
all the same, i'm working thrice this week and i hope it doesnt go to shame.

just had to post something on facebook.
looks like lunchy on saturday is on, with eggs and lotsa butter and pancakes.
i just realised that i'm working the night before so lunch would definitely end up as breakfast for me.
i cant wait for something remotely alcoholic to enter my system though,
it feels like something needs to escape.

sick of living is not a want of death.
just like the opposites that play love and hate,
its a profound laziness or elaborate fanfare of whining.
i'm quite certain it doesnt qualify as a form of suicide though.
i should quit thinking, because when it comes down to actual interaction and chemistry.
still, it certainly makes me wonder if it is possible.
and how much, well, you might bring a new perspective to my life.

2010-01-06T21:20:00.003+08:00

cause i am giving up on making passes,
and i am giving up on half empty glasses.
and i am giving up on greener grasses,
i am giving up.
- ingrid michaelson

+++

one word: bored.
not exactly sure what i should be doing right now,
and i'm only online just to allow my downloading to expedite.

till this point,
the first week of school has been treating me really well!
considering i had submission and presentation on monday,
i actually had quite a relaxed first day of school.
because that was followed by considerable retail therapy then dinner with good company!

and then tuesday had me travelling around singapore to run errands with a test in school,
then an awesome dessert dinner with tabby at 1 caramel.
gosh, i didnt think that the desserts would actually fill me up that much!
really good i must say, and i am really impressed by the lemon roulade.
considering that i have been craving for anything with lemon curd since i got back from the states,
it really hit the right spots. (:

tabby and i walked around and ended up watching the 940 movie of sherlock!
i never realized how goodlooking robert downey jr. is haha.
very spontaneous since we felt quite full and yawned numerous time while walking around.
thinking back on what we ate, i wonder if the desserts made up the calories we try to prevent from inhaling the whole day haha.
in fact, i wouldnt mind another slice right about now.

okay i got distracted for a whole half hour searching on other places to have desserts at.
looks like this might end up being a dessert tour (that i wouldnt mind) around singapore.

tomorrow spells another day at home for me.
i'm not sure whether i'm up for another swim tomorrow hmms.
had an exciting night planned out initially but family gathering rules over it.
i dont want to know how much my mom will say if i kept my dinner plans with friends on.
oh the horror.

blogging for the sake of updating,
now i think i should go for a run to get em fats running too.

2010-01-03T15:36:00.003+08:00

was kinda done with schoolwork,
so i did myself (dad's nagging) a favour and cleared up my table and my room.
and the very least, my bed's back to its original usage for two people to sleep.
but not that i'm going to share it with anyone, somehow my cat doesnt even want to sleep with me.

anyways, back to the point.
i found this big black book hidden behind papers and books.
and it turned out to be a diary/notebook that i bought two years (or more ago).
i only managed to get through the first two pages and one is a measly six-pointer newyear resolution.

but i reread the awesome cover again,
and it made me think again.
i know the picture above is mirror-imaged,
only realised my mistake after taking the photo.
so yeah, deal with it haha!

so based on the points on the cover on the book,i will do my new year's resolutions for this year.
so without worrying about any repercussions, here goes:

1. live with intention
to me, this means taking each step or action with purpose. so this year, i aim to take a second look at what i'm doing. and before doing it, by questioning myself if this is what i want to do and if i'm ready for what it might bring. too many times have i stepped into actions not wanting or bothering to know what consequences it may bring along this cumbersome duty. so with this year, to be able to be responsible for my actions and to think twice. i dont want to be left dumbfounded when questioned.

2. walk to the edge.
do something daring that challenges my limits. for now, i'm definitely unsure on what it is going to be right now. but i want to do something that can potentially my life physically. okay that didnt sound too exciting but do something like scaling a rock or possibly parachuting from somewhere. the academic year probably restricts any of these things happening but standing on the edge of a cliff might possibly work too. anything that takes my breath away literally with me cussing and repeatedly reminding myself why i am doing this. this will be interesting how i can accomplish this.

3. listen hard
listening was a trait that i prided myself in having before but as the months and years go by, i find myself not doing so anymore. mere dismissals and not sitting down to listen and dissect. so for this year, to take time to listen to those who bother to talk to me.

4. practice wellness.
okay everyone practically has this exercise resolution thing going on, and likewise, it is going as one of the list. with army coming soon, i need to take time off to exercise. i've got the necessary clothes (bought from factory outlet) so its time for me to get down to exercise. plus all these excess baggage that i'm getting used to is not a good thing. i need to get back the psychotic adrenaline that i used to get from exercising!

5. play with abandon
too often this past year have i played with a nagging worry in the back of my head wondering if i have unfinished schoolwork or some other worry. so this time if i'm playing, i must let go and play with abandon!

6. laugh
laugh more, smile more, there are too many things in this world to be happy for.

7. choose with no regret
i think its kind of self-explanatory but yeah. i think for this year, there's no more rush for me to get into things with that kind of vigour and abandonment. i dont know if its the sudden loss of energy or otherwise, i feel that from now, choosing each step carefully and not taking risks. risks often dont lead to successes for me so far, so taking chances wont be an option. so, to choose knowing what to expect and to go forth with it with no regrets.

8. continue to learn
learning something new other than in school always continue to bewilder me. i never seem to (make/have) any time to do so. so this year, to learn something new and completely. maybe it is to learn a new language (french?) or learn a new skill (like volunteer work) or even (God forbid) to dance.

9. appreciate your friends.
to spend more time, to listen to what they have to say and to keep abreast of their lives. to appreciate the existence of them in my life.

10. do what you love
i guess other than the everyday things that i love to do, one of the things i would like to continue doing is photography. now armed with a dslr of considerable quality, and a blackbird-fly, i should be taking it out more often to take photos! whether or not i have company should not matter!

11. live as if this is all there is
to stop sitting in front of my laptop day-in-day-out but to go out, for a reason or without one to experience lift, and live as if this is all there is.

and that is what i achieve for this new year, the beginning of a new decade.

2009-12-31T23:05:00.002+08:00

in an hour, 2010 would have arrived.
and as i sit in front of my desktop with autocad in the next window.
i do wonder, how much has changed since the last year.

looking back, i never made any resolutions last year.
one of the reasons could be that i worked through the new year,
and as such, fatigued and irritable as i was, i procrastinated and promptly skipped it.

well, one year on and its time for reflection,
before i attempt to go back to do my work.

2009 in a nutshell:

distraction is an understatement for the many things that have happened. compared to the distractions i had the previous year, the ones in 2009 were hardly beneficial. it actually brought be down much further. schoolwork was probably hit the hardest followed by family and possibly friendships. consciously i knew all this was happening, and its time to learn from this so it wont happen again.
darwin was a production of persuasion and growing up. listening to the advice, i psyched myself that keeping a cat is easy and manageable. true it seemed so in the beginning, but it quickly grew to a realization that this is more that just about myself. he's lovable no doubt, but ended up as a topic when heated conflicts started, definitely something i did not predict. as he becomes a part of the family, i see him more and more as a human being, part of my everyday life, something that i have not regretted.
concerts seemed to highlight dates in this year. with jason mraz and lady gaga, i never thought that i would have spent (that much money) that much fun in a single night. something that i wont regret doing and possibly taking out important time on a schoolnight to participate in. imogen heap anyone?
relationship(s) that got me thinking. it wasnt very long nor it probably wasnt significant to the other, but i grew up. short emotional bursts and a long think. long-gone were those days of pining, but a more grown-up tone as i start to fully realize the capacity that it can take in my life. i lived through it and i learnt. i may not have liked where and how it ended but i appreciate knowing and giving part of myself to you.
family matters that got me realizing that these people are there for you. in good or bad, these people will always be stuck with you. conflicts and shoutings may appear now and then as opinions differ, but sometimes those walls of self-defence come crumbling down and you're that six year old boy again.

my year wasnt so much rounded up by significant events.
sure it helps alot to keep the year in check with dates,
but this year was about growing up.
about the realization that my life is just beginning and i am responsible for myself.
no longer am i blanketed by family.

maybe i push myself to grow up too fast,
turning one year older to spell the bright and glittery freedom that bedazzles me.
i know that it is somehow an illusion, because its my life,
and it is up to me to mould and grow.
it'll be nice to have what they have, but for now, i know that its probably impossible.
i'm not them.

this year coming scares me a little.
turning twentyone seems like a big deal to me, for that day i'm officially responsible for myself.
sure its not right-away but the burdens will start to pile and i'm afraid.
and the middle of the year will spell the last year of poly for me,
for that will determine where i go next and ohyeah, the rest of my friggin' future?
so sure, its a year of lasts, the last of me being a child and me being a tertiary student.

so as i write down the dates for my new planner (after i finish my work),
i start a new year, cliche as it is, armed with resolutions to make this year better with oozes of determination.

and no, i'm not gonna wait for the countdown.
cos it seems like my mindset's all geared for the dawn of the next day,
be it the first of the new month or the end of the last.
happy new year, and cheers to a new year of determination.

2009-12-26T21:26:00.002+08:00

now i just need to find the motivation to do work.
christmas is over,
now its time to stop singing those carols!

with the birthday party,
and work, and new year (its not like i get drunk).
but there seems to be every reason to celebrate!

okay (happy) things to do:
1. write card.
2. fill up little captions.
3. wrapping.
4. bake.
5. find scarf.
6. check if darwin's okay.
7. watch the 8408348 shows that i loaded.
8. decide if i should bake again.
9. pack up my room.
10. start convincing myself to do work and actually getting down to doing it.

funny how the most important thing is ranked the last.

2009-12-05T17:02:00.002+08:00

my eyes are tired,
so's my brain.
time passes so much faster when i'm looking up songs or even facebook.

maybe this will help me get through tonight and tomorrow.

sunday: model making.
monday: remaining model-making/sleep, dinner with peeps
tuesday: closing at dempsey
wednesday: talk at dempsey, closing at rafflescity (yogoru!)
thursday: class in morning, buying present, scoopy auditions, dinner with ehem.
friday: class in morning, elective presentation, arrange for dinner.
saturday: pack for trip, closing at dempsey.

i wonder if i should work more.

2009-12-04T22:11:00.003+08:00

i tell myself,
its just burning up the weekends.
then it will all be over, this terrible term that is.
whatever that comes next year is classified as the next year.
burning up this weekend for three weeks of leisure.

came across a blog,
a 40 year old man who describes loneliness in so many different ways.
and in some way, it kinda me think.

just what am i looking for?
sure enough i dived in this headfirst,
not even checking or wondering whether any ties were present.
i guess it has always been obvious, just that i consciously blinded myself.
and i only have myself to blame.
but i'm not lying if i said that i was attracted by the intellect and possibly that pretty face.

sometimes i ask myself what am i looking for.
and honestly, thinking back, i think i'm lying to myself.
many a time.

yes i'm still lost,
cos the only comfort i seek isnt in someone else or other people or myself,
but insisting on making myself incredibly tired so i wont have the time nor energy to think.

it seems like i'm sabotaging myself,
and yet, i'm reassuring myself that it will be okay.

2009-11-30T23:32:00.002+08:00

sometimes i wish i had a little more motivation,
sometimes i wish i had a little more to give,
sometimes i wish i would be noticed,
and sometimes i wish i could be loved.

then again, thats a terribly long shot.

maybe if i put my schedule up here,
i might actually do it.

tuesday: do work, might go to school early, letter-writing test in afternoon, back home to do work.
wednesday: lecture, talk in adrc, lunch at home then school work.
thursday: lecture, talk, lunch, site visit and maybe marble slab, work on ppt slides for friday's presentation.
friday: lecture, work in school, presentation for elective class, walk in town to buy hoodie.
saturday,sunday: i better be building models and cadding my life away.

2009-11-30T09:15:00.002+08:00

sometimes i ask myself,
why am i a perfectionist in things i shouldnt be perfecting?
like the way i try to arrange the way i sleep,
and making sure that i throw away failed baked goods.

when i should be perfecting my drawings and plans.
good lord, what am i to do?

right now,
i would like to have a 3pc chicken set from popeyes with two cups of corn,
not having to collect my online purchases,
and not having to attend the camera class though there's a need to.
but honestly, what would i rather do?

2009-11-25T22:31:00.002+08:00

catch a falling star
and put it in your pocket,
never let it fade away.

that has been kinda what i've been singing to myself the whole of today.
and part of it is to remind myself that i'm quite blissfully ignorant,
sometimes the struggles of other people simply opens my eyes beyond its slitty compartments.

i realise why sometimes i dont like to go out.
because i'm veryvery tempted to buy things espesh clothes.
i really how people can wear hoodies in this heat?!
i mean c'mon, i'm sitting on my table not exercising and i have beads of perspiration on my nose.
bah bah black sheep.

autocad is calling me,
but i'm just waiting for episode sixteen to just finish loading tsk.

i <3 birthday surprises! :D

2009-11-24T22:21:00.003+08:00

inspired?
not really.

was reading someone else's blog and the reason why he blogs,

"I want to write because we forget to remember sometimes.
Because in a world that moves too fast, writing slows us down and we consider ourselves?"

pretty true aint it?

okay, sometimes i read people's blogs because of their narcissistic way they post photos,
and how narcissistic they can make their life be.
i laugh and i wonder why am i not as bold as them.
and ohyeah, can i have an iphone too?

finally able to sleep through the night.
for previous reasons as to why i didnt,
i wont say for fear of cursing tonight's sleep.
its the most horrible feeling to be dead tired and not being able to sleep.
i'm such a baby like that.

maybe i'm starting to understand how this world works.
it seems like as i'm getting exposed, the more i learn.
tv shows may show exaggerated or unrealistic situations and scenerios,
but they are ultimately based on grounded facts.

yes its true how i'm sometimes unhappy with so many things around me
buts its probably time i learn to appreciate and start working on the things i can actually change.
like the man in the mirror, it starts with me.
let's hope i can even live to my own motivational speech.

2009-11-22T00:15:00.002+08:00

back from town,
armed with a new camera!

after a whole week's wait,
i finally managed to persuade my dad to get a dslr.
actually i think my dad was quite excited about it too,
guys and their gadgets haha.

but for now,
i think the only good test shot i managed to get of was a scissors.
and that was only because i was trying out a function haha.
okay this talk isnt very exciting but you can tell that i am.

this addtion kinda completes preparation for salt lake city!
with a new kickass camera (and the extra heavy lense that my dad bought),
i am well on my way to documenting this trip!
naturally, things like hoodies constantly distract me haha.
i was walking around town these few days,
and the thought of 'oh, this would look good AND keep me warm when i'm in the states.'
someone stop me!

and i just saw an online store with nice tees eeks.
(and great, i just spent another half hour looking at hoodies)

that being said,
i'm almost on the verge of forgetting work.
it does make me feel inadequate seeing how much work people do,
or how prepared they are.
my whiny conscience keeps telling me that i should start getting to work,
but lazing around watching the season finale of project runway seems so much easier right?

2009-11-18T21:24:00.003+08:00

i don't want another pretty face
i don't want just anyone to hold
i don't want my love to go to waste
i want you and your beautiful soul
- jesse mccartney

+++

i didnt realise what a popwhore i was!
i was watching singapore idol with my mom,
and when whot-his-name was singing beautiful soul by jesse,
i sang along and kept up with every single word.
my mom was surprised and i was even more so,
i didnt think i knew all the words gosh.

but it did make me take a closer look at the lyrics though.

suddenly this week as if its almost over.
i know i'm really pushing my luck considering that its only wednesday, but still!
thursday: mass talk, mass lecture in afternoon and model-making tutorial (argh models!)
friday: morning lecture, bumming around, elective class, dino's laksa!
and then its the weekend, and i've no idea what i'm gonna do!

though i pray hard that saturday would be a good day!

i planned to start doing some work,
and that obviously has come to no avail and i'm loading movies now.
goodness gracious, i'm actually tempted to do a little work hmms.

oh and it'll be nice is someone asks me out for chicago for my 21st next year! (:

2009-11-14T18:02:00.002+08:00

i'm still pretty amused with myself.
i woke up today thinking that it was already sunday,
and in my head i started lamenting to myself that the weekend had passed by too fast and how monday spells new school work.
then i started to wonder what i did the day before,
and i realised that it was only saturday.
you should have seen the glee on my face haha.

i'm glad i finally decided to go out for dinner with em peeps,
cos i was quite tired from school and the rain made it so much easier to stay at home.
but i'm glad i went to meet em cos i thoroughly enjoyed dinner and talking about dots and leprechauns haha.
nomnom, i feel like feasting on pasta and gratin from that italian place!

lohwei said my blog is terribly emotional,
but rawrs i cant help it!
its probably not that interesting to read anyways.
now while i'm craving friiied chicken now though.

should i cave in and buy kfc later?
hurhurhur, i can hear my stomach scolding me already.

i wonder if putting my shift down on monday was a good idea.
not too smart considering that i will probably receive news on microdetailing,
and that's when all the work starts.
hmms, but i'm not sure even how to feel when i'm back at work.

looking around for a semi-professional camera to bring overseas this dec.
am really not tempted to bring my semi-shingz digi camera to salt lake city.
of course i would like to ask my parents to purchase a new camera,
but it wouldnt be nice since they're already paying for the trip and extra.
i might just consider renting one but the dslr(s) available seems extremely un-userfriendly.

however, if there's anyone kind enough to lend(rent) me a professional-ish camera,
do let me know alrights?
*bambi eyes*

2009-11-12T21:29:00.002+08:00

i dont want to admit, i really dont want to.
but i miss you, with every beat.
of all things, its the last thing i want to think.

gawd, i refuse to be such a douche.

this week has been great,
considering there's lesser work with submission tomorrow.
it almost feels like year one again, with the emphasis of design.
definitely a breath of fresh air after all these submissions.

pondered over a long while.
you know what, i shant say anything more.
i'm just going to get myself some glee-loving.

2009-11-09T22:36:00.002+08:00

just felt the need to blog
to dispense that long previous entry.

day after week of submission,
and it feels good to wake up fresh(er) for school.
was given work to do for the rest of this week,
and i'm all too lazy to print out the handouts.

hmms, it almost feels like the holidays already.

oops got distracted looking at lomo cameras online.
i'm tempted to get a fisheye!
either that or i want to get a new digital camera hmms.
though it didnt seem that long ago when i got my last one,
its totally obsolete compared to the models available now.
which reminds me, i need to buy films for the trip end of this year!
and hopfully i get rent or borrow a decent digital camera with enough pixels to capture the beauty of salt lake city.

so quite excited,
though i wont be spending christmas in singapore.
this is probably the first christmas spent overseas,
and most likely literally over the sea cos i might be flying through christmas!
that isnt something to be excited about bah.

ohwells,
bothered or not to be bothered.
seemingly juvenile yet a peek at what the future would be.
sighh, hongkong this weekend.
dimsum here i come!

2009-11-07T12:33:00.002+08:00

'it was the third regional championships. it was like the emerald city to my yellow brick road.'
'wow, you actually made ice-skating sound gayer.'
-modern family

+++

i'm glad submission is over.
this is probably one of the times that i actually could wait for it to be over.
it has been a tough week, very tough week.
twelve hours (plus two hours) of sleep actually made everything seem a little better.

halloween was indeed fun,
i'm glad i got to spend it with the great people at work.
in my opinion, i thought the dressing up was definitely a success!

for the rest of the week,
it was probably dismal at best.
major argument w/ parents,
and let's just say its something i dont want live though this again.
i admit i'm in the wrong,
but bringing these overwhelming unfinished problems to light,
i was definitely at breaking point.

following submission,
i guess i finally understand when some people say that
its like a buffer to problems.
almost sadistically, its like a drug to stop thinking of things.

thinking back, maybe this ultimatum will work for me.

decided to take a break from work this month.
truth be told, sometimes i'm using work for escape.
a drug that i keep going back time and time again.
the satisfaction that i once enjoyed may just be a disguise to the fatigue that i'm getting now.
despite being given the green light again,
in the fit of indignation and quick decision,
i decided to give myself time to breathe again and open my eyes to something new.

lunched with shaunny yesterday after submission,
but that was after getting lost in braddell.
i'm definitely having the macbook blues,
sent it for repair and i would probably only get it late next week.
argh, the horror of now being chained to a desk facing a desktop.
now watching shows in the comfort of my bed is impossible.

dino's for laksa and icekimmoo where i succumbed to calories.
and i keep telling myself that post-submission calories do not count at all.
somehow, all these 'energy-giving' food will make up for the lack of sleep.
but it came to a point while eating my waffle that the lazy afternoon sun was hurting my eyes.
sleeping for an hour or two makes your eyes grow incredibly small and sensitive to sunlight.
i mean crazily so, seriously!

talked and talked.
sometimes its only when people bring out your issues,
then you take time to realize what you've been hiding or running away from.

i'm almost lost with this expense of time,
that weekends are finally days for healing and self-reflection.
it came to a point just now that i slept for an hour or two just to tell myself that i'm not waking early.
if you dont understand, its okay hahaha.

michael jackson later tonight,
will see if it lives up to the reviews.
but for now lunch, then bigbang theory, cougartown, gossipgirl, how i met your mother, modern family, antm, projectrunway and finally grey's anatomy.
just to catch of the shows i missed this week.

damn i watch too much telly.

2009-10-30T21:41:00.008+08:00

a friday to myself,
feeling rather weird that i'm not working.

day of baking,
not too successful in my opinion.
but then again, maybe i was too adventurous.

suddenly i found myself at a loss with what i wanted to say.

dinnered with the family on a friday,
in fact i kind of miss it.
dont you love it when it rains,
the sound of rain when it hits the ground,
knowing that the weekend is ahead of me.

i'm amazingly excited for halloween!
though i'm working, i'll be working with fab people.
and i might possible be seeing classmates dressed up.
oh gawd, i'm veryvery excited, i just hope i dont get too tired!

and after this, its school work all the day.
):

2009-10-28T22:55:00.000+08:00

(via hellobeautiful)
++

i think this is probably my most favourite scene from the movie.
something about a bed, tumling between pillows on a chilly autumn night
that makes love seem so innocent and believable.

funny how i never saw us like that,
maybe i did and i forced myself not to.
because you never seem to see us that way.

i must be mad, i dont even want to know how much i spend.
thats what you do when you have the afternoon off school,
you go to town and you spend bah.
thinking about it, i nearly spent another hundred plus today.
luckily i didnt relent and ended up buying essentials for like, sixteen bucks?

seeing that i'm keeping my days free for the next two days,
i better get on down to do the things i've been wanting to do.
which basically boils down to getting some exercise first of all and of course schoolwork.
then again, schoolwork should come first for me.
seriously, what am i thinking?

thursday: schoolwork, maybe a run, confirming recipes, cutting decorations, meetup at dempsey for dinner
friday: schoolwork, bake, possible dinner if baking is done
saturday: halloween!

and after that, its schoolwork all the way.
i have no excuses for procrastination anymore.

2009-10-22T21:34:00.002+08:00

its the voice of hope, its the voice of peace,
its the voice of every man.
from a distance we all have enough,
and no one is in need.
-bette midler

+++

from a distance,
everything seems to look okay.

from a distance,
everything seems alright.
and it churns inside, bubbling bubbling away.

there are so many things i'd want to share,
so many things i wish you'd say.
there's no point waxing lyrical about you,
cos for all i know, the dramatic outburst might just be what i predicted.
they say i make love seem difficult, i say i make things easier for you.

longlong day,
i thot i might have enjoyed this day.
sure enough it might have been worse,
but sitting through talks one after the other makes my bum and mind sore.
definitely beats sitting in front of the moniter trying to work out my loose ends.
impossible and not planning to do any better argh.

early dinner with howe mummy after getting my overalls.
(yes i got them at an unruly price imo so it better be worth it)
i'm officially satisfied my thai cravings for another two weeks,
had em for lunch and now dinner.
quite full even though had dinner bout 3-4 hours ago,
but my mouth is itchy to put something in.
nom nom nom.

to a busy weekend,
to tie up loose ends for schoolwork.
monday, monday i will try again.
rooting for the best, but expecting the worst.

mumbles incoherently.

2009-10-21T23:22:00.002+08:00

i dont know what to say, really.
dont pull me up just to see me fall.

spare me and tell me we're not gonna make it,
i can take what you can give.

i just dont want to keep my hopes up,
spend so much time and effort just to be thrown like a rag doll.

i'm tired,
and i had the time of my life.
just so you know, the night was perfect.

2009-10-20T21:21:00.002+08:00

peiyong says i've to look scary for halloween,
so i'll have to look like that?!

bah, went down to haji to find the second hand shop,
but cant seem to find it.
why does it have to close down at this time?!

at the very least,
i'm done with my last few shots of slide film.
which means i need to spend again to buy new film and develop photos.
damn the middle of the month when i'm high and dry again.

okay looking through martha's website,
and i'm done deciding what does into the halloween goodie bag this year!
similar but it'll be replacing the pumpkin brownies i made last year.

now considering, whether i should get em overalls.
35 bucks for one night? arghhh.

2009-10-19T21:36:00.002+08:00

the day probably sucked more that i thought it would.
i didnt think it'll be that bad,
but from the moment i realized after my first yawn.
it went downhill from there.

it came to a point where i just told myself to leave,
and going back home really did its thang.
sleep never seem quite that good.
a good two hours at that.

really, i never felt the need to walk away before.
and now i've found a reason to,
plus severe dis-attachment from work.

epic failure.
its the littlest things that will bring you down gah.
school starts at one tomorrow, and i'm this close to not going for it at all.

2009-10-18T21:19:00.002+08:00

we're living in a den of thieves
rummaging for answers in the pages
we're living in a den of thieves
and it's contagious
-regina spektor

+++

a sunday thats almost gone,
funny how much sleep one person can get.

it is starting to feel like what i fell in love with again.
true enough, we all seem to have grown and matured,
a little different, a little strange.
but i'm glad to be feeling the same hype i started out with.

joni mitchell sure puts me in the mood for christmas.

it sure feels awkward,
but i have to take the blame for most of it.
i'm tempted to give up this whole mess and throw it away.
thinking back, i never had to feel this way.
i had enough laughs, enough rants and tears,
but seemingly enough, it has been reduced to this.
give it time or give it space or simply reducing it to abandonment?

(500) days of summer wasnt too bad.
came out of it feeling like a sheet of blank canvas,
completely unfeeling and wanting to rather bother about other things.
either that, or i chose not to relate anything to myself.
but one thing from the movie came to light,
never allow yourself to believe in fate.
it chooses to play with you and render you helpless with its done.

so why bother sometimes.
when life gives you lemons,
walk away and grab yourself an apple.

school starts tomorrow,
and i'm already dreading the train ride.
oblivious or overly enthusiastic.
i think i shall start the day with a blank face.

killing a squirrel might probably be easier than this.

2009-10-13T21:23:00.002+08:00

long day but i'm loving it so far,
and it means that i need an early night!

cake class today,
and i havent woken up at ungodly hours for quite a long time!
actually it wasnt that ungodly.
oatmeal breakfast at starbucks was quite pleasant actually.
plus it was raining so it was even better haha.
i love it when it rains, time to pull out the pullovers!

okay i really didnt recognize that pun.

walking in town just seems so much worse when you've no money,
or at least trying to save money for a rainy day.
its been less than a week since payday and i dont want to calculate how much i've spent.
very very bad haha.

i think good news makes me hungry,
cos after that i suddenly felt like eating!
though i was really too full and almost puked at the sight of food.
but still!
now i have every reason to start working so often again.

why am i suddenly craving for soupspoon's thai chicken salad.
need something tangy in my mouth mmms.

really am not making sense.
now craving for a huge buttery scone.
off to watch my movies, long day tomorrow with 14 hours in usq.

2009-10-11T22:37:00.002+08:00

back from dinner at grandma's.
and i realized it has been quite awhile since i've met them,
my extended family that is.

the topic came to school naturally.
earlier this week i was indeed thinking of school, i mean seriously.
cos i think i happen to be on the train heading to work or out,
i saw students, probably university students lugging around books for research or whatnots.
it made me think of how much i enjoyed lugging books around and setting up to study or do research papers.
i'm serious, i actually enjoy doing things like that.
it makes me feel accomplished and useful.

so it made me wonder what i'm doing now,
do i actually love it?

talk about architecture,
maybe i might like it better in university.
where architecture forms a more theoretical approach to this penumbrae.
and yes, it is definitely ranks as one of the top specialties of singapore, a growing one in fact.
seeing the number of architects in practice also should be quite exciting too, belonging into the arts industry.
i really dont know, seeing what i'm doing now.
i feel the need to push my passions further.

bah.

2009-10-11T11:58:00.003+08:00

i just felt like posting a photo.
looking back at the days i would spend my nights working,
i'm really gonna miss it when school starts.
gah, how i can lament the days that i had to work?

and that reminds me,
how i make completely make a full on judgement in a matter of minutes.
naturally, knowing what i knew yesterday, it made something die.
i questioned myself repeatedly what the hell i was doing here,
and it really made me understand the meaning of blind faith.
people that i have trusted so wholesomely suddenly seem ever so flawed.
but there's no need for blame or pointing fingers now,
it just makes me wonder if what i'm doing here is justified.
if i were to ask the batch earlier, would they stand up or do the same?

but thinking back,
if nothing happens, i wont hesitate to make the choice thats right for me.

just happened to drop past someone's facebook account.
well, it looks like moving on and more likely as a past tense has happened.
not surprisingly, i felt nothing.
but considering, it had been quite some time.
from what i see, what you thought you saw in me is actually not what you wanted.
you probably wont see this, but i'm glad you found the right one.

last week of holidays,
it didnt seem that fast did it?

monday: baking - tempted to try out them raspberry oatmeal scones
tuesday: cake class, dinner, shopping?
(MUST REMEMBER TO SIGN UP FOR ELECTIVE!!)
wednesday: cake class, closing usq
thursday: opening dempsey, dinner with howe mummy!
friday: setup closing dempsey, steamboat!
saturday: mid-shift dempsey, bel's birthday partay.

somehow i get hungry when i start moody-ing up.
and it doesnt help that i see food in the house gah.
you probably will say that you never even started anything.

2009-10-07T11:34:00.002+08:00

its only after my carbofilled brunch,
that i remember that i shouldnt be eating now.
cos i will only fall asleep later in the afternoon before going to work.
i'm starting to fill waves of fatigue hitting me.
all i want to do is watch a few minutes of how i met your mother and go straight to sleep.
*yawns*

and i'm craving for the koko krunch mcflurry mmmms.
yumms.

a little worn down by work,
but working mornings give my body clock its schedule back.
and by eleven or twelve, i'm off to bed to a sound sleep again.
(it must be the lack of naps that get me in)
but going out yesterday with howe mummy was great.
even travelling in the georgie alone makes it all worth it!
i really dont know what life would be like when she leaves,
and then i ask myself if i'm ready for this challenge.

it seems like its fraught with so many undesirable things i dont even want to think about.
thinking about it will somehow make me consider it.
despite all these things that may come,
i'm not sure if i can handle this with schoolwork.
looking at how horribly last sem went,
i dont know if i can even keep up working.

thinking about school makes me go mad and depressed.
even sometimes seem ongoing facebook conversations with schoolmates or lecturers,
i feel like killing myself omg.

lunch tomorrow with shopping.
now let me just take a nap and scoop my life away while i still can.

2009-10-04T20:29:00.002+08:00

and i can help if you'll only let me try.
you touch me and something in me knew,
what i could have with you,
well i'm not ready to kiss that dream goodbye.

+++

right in the middle of my sem break.
and true enough as expected,
i end up working so often that sometimes thats all i talk about.
it doesnt scare me that much, but it makes me realise how much i'm missing.

and then, the rest of the time
i try to keep myself abreast with the fall tv schedule.
and i amuse myself with the different ways that i can fall asleep.

i have this sudden urge to do something dramatic,
like to paint my room all over again.
but even starting to plan, i lose steam hurhur.

maybe i should start baking again.
maybe i should do charity work.
maybe i should start reading again.
maybe i should start alone.

2009-10-03T13:05:00.004+08:00

and now it chills me to the bone,
how do i get you alone?

+++

for once, i would like to believe that you had me in mind.
slowly i find myself pulling myself away.
i tell myself thats to protect myself and nothing else.

i just need you to ask yourself if you want to take than chance.
maybe i should ask myself that first.

2009-10-01T17:30:00.002+08:00

finally a day spent at home,
the whole day without going out nor working.
actually it makes me feel more obliged now to stay at home,
not that i have anything exciting to do at home,
but at least to stay with family.
despite the dozen people i could be going out with.

bummer!
but at least it helps me to save money,
until pay comes.
good lord, i have been absolutely dry argh.
plus i need to cut my hair gah.

there are probably a million things i would buy when pay's out.
> haversack from spin the bottle
> hoodie from topman
> hoodie from fox
> basic tees in different colours
> pair of jeans
> cap from springfield
> striped shorts from fox

there are probably more things to buy,
but that will be for another day.
either that or i havent seen or found em yet.

certain things, sometimes i wish i didnt know.
but knowing that some people are leaving strikes me every time i start work.
its this sinking feeling and i just want to give everyone a big hug.
like thats gonna solve anything.

still, being able to do music in the future really spurs me on.
and its something i havent had in quite a awhile.

at the rate i'm eating,
one day i'm gonna be sent to the hospital needing treatment.
alternate days of extreme deprivation and normal consumption.
unintentional of course but even normal consumption seems like a kill

i see steps moving forward, or attempts to.
but the nonchalance of before never fails to remind me of its existence.
so what am i to do, cos i'm really confused.
it actually came to a stage when i was questioning the possible reality of bipolarity.
yes, i am quite serious here.

so if you wonder why if i wasnt excited,
this is why and i dont want to be leading myself on again.

2009-09-28T11:34:00.002+08:00

i think the reason why i'm craving food so much
is that i watch too much tv shows that revolve around food.
abstaining from rachael ray and martha stewart (talking about gardens) helps.

running at ten am is not a good idea,
cos after one round i decided that it was really far too warm
and perspiring enough after four rounds.
so i went home for crunches in front of the telly.
quite healthy right?

and my mondays are looking up,
having shows like desperate housewives, american dad, family guy and simpsons.
all ready for a showdown when i'm back from work tonight.

i wonder if i should bring jetjet out today.
cos i've to drop by the developer for my photos, the dentist then work.
so i might pass by some interesting places.
(considering that though i have directs to the dentist, i have honestly no idea how to get there)

there are times like this i really cant be bothered at what you're playing.
and i'm honestly tired.

2009-09-27T14:46:00.002+08:00

just have this damn insatiable urges to eat.
(right now i'm craving bananas though i had one less than 12 hours ago)

stop growing fat!

2009-09-26T11:35:00.002+08:00

with grey's season six loading in the background,
here i am with some time to burn.
or so to distract me from eating something,
i swear, a banana and a cinnamon bun makes me hungrier.

darn it,
i just seem to nurse a soft spot for em singers.

maybe this is a good sign,
not know what to do or what to say when you're around.
cos for now, i really dont know what to expect or know what to surmount.
i guess i might be thinking too much,
cos i see beginnings of paranoia and i dont like what i see.
but sanity stops me, and i know that i've to give you space.
because after all, you've seen it all and probably more.

but it scares me sometimes,
about how little do i know about you.
and to you, i'm just another toy?
faith babe, faith.

SIGH,
two options to choose.
do you want me to give you priority?

2009-09-21T12:19:00.002+08:00

a veryvery long day indeed.
or yesterday for that matter.

was so bushed i almost fell asleep into my kimchi.
though i really fell asleep nearing the end of dinner,
and conked out in the car on the way home.
i don't know how people do it,
but at the expense of what i'm being paid,
i'm guessing i'm being milked for what its worth.

and that was followed by a deep sleep till four/five in the morning.
ended up watching shows till late and back to sleep,
completely missing the emmy's this morning bah.
):

i'm still very hesitant on embarking on the two-hour-long season five finale of grey's.
unrealistic expectations of love much, but still hmms.

my mom asked me last night,
"why do i work myself so hard?"
that was then i stopped and ask myself that very same question.
i couldnt find an answer but i may be suffering the aftereffects of being burnt.
a little for now at best, but nonetheless very existent.

contemplation and i keep staring.
should i or shouldnt i?
being tossed around is not something i want to invest in again.

2009-09-19T14:40:00.003+08:00

but what do you say to taking chances,
what do you say to jumping off the edge?
never knowing if there's solid ground below
or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
what do you say,
what do you say?
- glee cast

+++

it must be nice to sleep,
to know what once you wake up,
everything will be back to normal.

it felt like that,
and i never want it to end.

finding a drive and motivation,
that's probably the thing helps to keep me going.

it felt so right,
it felt so good.
will it still be like that?

2009-09-16T23:02:00.004+08:00

i marvel at the way my whole morning revolves around rachael ray and martha.
i wake up and judge my online time and wash-up time according to how much time till rachael.
and then its a complete blank-out until martha ends.
funny thing, i will decide what to eat for breakfast/lunch during the commercial breaks.

darn my life is completely weird hurhur.

well tomorrow will be interesting!
finally going to get down to baking yays.
for now its a tie between butterscotch cookies or pound cake.
(and it doesnt help that i'm opening more foodblog tabs that offer more choices)
and for lunch, its prawn aglio olio that i've been craving since forever.
the clam olio for lunch today doesnt quite hit the spot haha.

and then its off to movie, then ayam penyet loving and then geylang serai!
gonna bring jetjet along for the ride with his new pet flash.
we'll see how them photos turn out haha.

quite excited at the thought of a fulfilling day!
(but that depends if i can avoid waking up late gahh)

please dont play with me?
i dont want to invest in something that wont work out again.